The Ultimate Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake
Model)
Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
Air Force, O-6 and above: "Get that damned snake off the
fairway!"
Armor: Runs over snake. Never knows it,as well as where he is on
the battlefield. Continues directly ahead wondering what all those
new buttons in his turret do.
Army Aviation: Has GPS ten digit grid to snake. Stands off at a
range greater than any other weapon system and destroys snake with
precision fires at a cost equivilant of one Mercedes 350SEL.
Returns to base for fighter management and a "cool one".
Army Shrink. Attempts to get snake to explain its sexual feelings
about its mother.
Chaplain. Tries to get snake to attend services, mend its
ways.
Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in depth analysis based on
obscure 5 series FM about how to defeat snake using counter
mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand
how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake operations.
(Engineer School tries to hide the fact that M9 ACE proves
ineffective against snakes).
Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage
with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several
hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is
considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics
and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
Military Intelligence, G-2: Sanke? What snake? Only four of 35
indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the
potential for snake activity as LOW.
Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing
professional courtesy.
Marines, ForceRecon: Follows snake, gets lost.
Marines, Infantry: Kills snake by accident while looking for
souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from
Area of Operations.
Mech Infantry: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more
snakes.
Military Intelligence, S-2: Reports to ground troops that snake is
a non-combatant. Six Infantry wounded. MI states that if the ground
forces would have read the nesting diagram provided in the 24 page
enemy intel report, they would have known the snake was a possible
threat.
Military Police, Criminal Investigation: Handcuffs snake's head to
its tail, reads it its Miranda rights, then proceeds to beat snake
to a pulp with night stick.
Missileers, Air Force: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20
seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command
Authority to use nuclear weapons.
Military Police, Field: Snake safely infiltrates rear area of
operations.
Navy SeaBees: Build snake elaborate rec room, complete with secret
still.
Navy, SEAL: Expends all ammunition and several grenades, then calls
for naval gunfire in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites the
SEAL, and dies of salt water poisoning. Hollywood makes film in
which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
Navy, Surface Action Group: Fires off 50 cruise missiles fro
several ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate
Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most
cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
Ordnance: IDs snake as having improper scales. Deadline snake and
order parts against snake. Parts come in 15 days later but the
snake has been upgraded to FMC due to scrounging of parts through
improper channels.
Para-Rescue: Lands on snake upon descending, thereby injuring it,
then feverishly works to save the nake's life.
Pilot, A-10: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake.
Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and
manicure.
Pilot, Air Force, B-52: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills
snake and every other living thing within two miles of
target.
Pilot, Air Force, F-15: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind
helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill
on aircraft.
Pilot, Air Force, F-16: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster
bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on Embassy 100
KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear
but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low
cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multimillion dollar,
high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill
all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
Pilot, Air Force, Fighter, Generic: Mis-identifies the snake as a
HIND and engages it with missiles. Crew Chief paints snake on
airplane.
Pilot, Air Force, Transport: Receives call for anti-snake
equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.
Pilot, Army, AH-64 Apache: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't
show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AO's
without power lines or SAM's.
Pilot, Army, HH-53 Jolly Green Giant: Finds snake on fourth pass
after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out flares to mark
Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
Quartermaster: Encounters snake, then loses contact. Can not
identify who owns snake by hand receipts. Orders new snake through
supply channels. Request is denied by higher authority; issuing the
unit a snake will bring the manager to a zero balance; one snake
must remain on hand at all times as per their boss' guidance.
Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
Signal, Enlisted: Tries to communicate with snake . . . fails
despite repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have
the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child
could operate.
Signal, Officer: Informs the commander that he could easily
communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists
that he NEEDS to videoconference with the snake, with real-time
streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on
video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make
this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it
happen, while everybody else stands around, bitches, and takes
credit. In the end, GTE and several sub-contractors make a few
billion dollars, the two smart people get out and go to work for
them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic
based simulations. The snake dies of old age.
SJA: Swear they saw something like that on the Discovery Channel .
. . spend weeks arguing if it was a snake or not.
Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State
Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by
building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains
it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon
return.
Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
Transportation Corps: "Snake? What snake? We were sleeping in the
truck."
