101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served
weapon.
102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors,
even if they are "casualties of war".
103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil
war, and I should stop implying that he did.
104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a Cool Mint Listerine®
bottle is not a good combination.
105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under
twelve.
106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes,
booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small
children, or bootleg CDs.
107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really
fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern
Europe.
110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about
anything.
111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or
Russian Armored vehicles.
112. When saluting a leg officer, an appropriate greeting is not
"Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".
113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from Full
Monty every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.
115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who
outranks me.
116. Crucifying mice - bad idea.
117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg
pornography.
118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires -
therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.
120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my
newest off color joke.
121. I should not use government resources to waterproof dirty
magazines.
122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the
barracks.
123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude
things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say
potentially useful phrases.
124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I
like.
127. No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages does not imply that a
Jack Daniels ® IV is acceptable.
128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.
129. The Microsoft ® Dancing Paperclip is not authorized to
countermand any orders.
130. Im drunk is a bad answer to any question posed by my
commander.
131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in
conjunction with rule #113.
132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the
radio.
134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the
soundtrack to a porno movie.
135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
136. Shouting Lets do the village! Lets do the whole fucking
village! while out on a mission is bad.
137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian
uniform, messily drunk.
138. Even if my commander did it.
139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.
140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove The Pen is
Mightier than the sword.
142. Calvin-Ball is not authorized PT.
143. I do not need to keep a range card by my window.
144. K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free is not an
authorized uniform.
145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a
urine test.
146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and
scream during the same.
147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.
148. Putting red Mike and Ike's ® into a prescription medicine
bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled
out.
150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal
tackle.
151. The proper way to report to my Commander is Specialist
Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir not You can't prove a
thing!
152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box
of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy
lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.
153. I should not assign new privates to guard the flight
line.
154. Shouldn't treat piss-bottles with extra-strength icy
hot.
155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not
nice.
156. I will no longer perform lap-dances while in uniform.
157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it
still counts.
158. The revolution is not now.
159. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip
search.
160. No part of the military uniform is edible.
161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of
command.
163. Take that hat off.
164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
165. I do not get that time of month.
166. No, the pants are not optional.
167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
169. Not even if they *are* especially patriotic films
170. Not allowed to defect to OPFOR during training
missions.
171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's
helicopter.
172. A full magazine and some privacy is not the way to help a
potential suicide.
173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security
clearance.
174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the
gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).
175. We do not charge into battle, naked, like the Celts.
176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not
need to be brought into the office.
177. I am not to refer to a formation as the boxy rectangle
thingie.
178. I am not A lesbian trapped in a man's body.
179. On Army documents, my race is not Other.
180. Nor is it Secretariat, in the third.
181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.
182. There is no FM for wall-to-wall counseling.
183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination
to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt
something I saw in a cartoon.
185. My name is not a killing word.
186. I am not the Emperor of anything.
187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal,
with cigarettes.
188. May not challenge officers to Meet me on the field of honor,
at dawn.
189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do
it.
190. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.
191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant
battle-robot.
192. The proper response to a briefing is not That's what you
think.
193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of
command.
194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of
command.
195. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my
chain of command.
196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.
197. I am not allowed to sing Henry the VIII I am until verse 68
ever again.
198. Not allowed to lead a Coup during training missions.
199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was
born.
200. My chain of command is not interested in why I just happen
to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in
the back of my car.
