A wee bit dated but something rather
thought provoking
French Military Prowess Revisited
By Anonymous
From the Net | February 10, 2003
President Bush and Secretary Rumsfeld may be upset that the French
are not "assisting" us in this fight, but out here at the tip of
the spear, there is nothing but jubilation at their absence. Last
thing we need is to be carrying the French on our shoulders.
A cursory review of French military history reveals the
following:
1 - Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next
2,000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all
things, an Italian.
2 - Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by a female
schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French
Warfare: "French armies are victorious only when not led by a
Frenchman."
3 - Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country
to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
4 - Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the
Huguenots.
5 - Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant but
still manages to get invaded. Claims a tie on the basis that
eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
6 - War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red
flowerpots as chapeaux.
7 - The Dutch War - Tied. Dutch farmers and tulip growers are
tougher than they look.
8 - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian
War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces
deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the
height of French military power.
9 - War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the
French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved
every since.
10 - American Revolution - In a move that will become quite
familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the
English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de
Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "
France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
11 - French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the
opponent was also French.
12 - The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the
First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no
match for the Russian winter, Prussian grenadiers or a British
footwear designer.
13 - The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. For the first, but certainly
not the last time, Germany plays the role of drunk frat boy to
France 's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
14 - World War I - Invaded, humiliated and on the way to losing,
France is saved by the United States. Winds up a tie for les
francaise. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not
only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein."
Sadly, the American fascination with personal hygiene (a
fascination totally foreign to French women) incites widespread use
of condoms by American soldiers, thus precluding any improvement in
the French bloodline.
15 - World War II - A decisive defeat even by French standards.
Hitler and the German Youth spend Christmas time sleeping soundly
through the winter, then arouse themselves to conquer France in six
weeks. Hitler dances in front of the Eiffel Tower, while the French
command staff retreats to Algeria to institute a crash language
program to teach French privates how to say "I surrender" in German
and French generals to say "We surrender" in German. Conquered
French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they
finish learning the Horst Wessel Song and some small portion of the
German work ethic. De Gaulle of it all...
16 - First Vietnamese war (in Vietnamese circles, known as "the
scrimmage", or "the exhibition game" where the varsity squad is
kept on the sideline to see how the second string will play) -
Lost. French soldiers, fresh off their four year occupation by the
Germans, catch a terminal case of Dien Bien Flu.
17 - Algerian rebellion - Lost. First time an Arab army has beaten
a Western army since the Crusades, and produces the first rule of
modern Islamic warfare: "We can always beat the French." A nice
phrase, but it lacks something in originality, since it is also the
first rule of warfare for the Italians, Russians, Prussians,
Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, Native Americans and
capitalists.
18 - War on Terrorism - Lost. Incensed at not being included in the
original "Axis of Evil," France refuses to participate. When it
becomes clear that this is a "no-kidding war," Jacques Chirac looks
at his cards and immediately surrenders to that old warhorse,
Gerhard Schroeder. For good measure, he also surrenders to five
million illegal immigrants from Algeria.
The moral of the story is - give thanks to God on high that the
French are not helping us!
