Love made
of rock
The heart that breaks open can contain the whole
universe.
- Joanna Macy, writer and teacher (1929- )
When I first read that quote I thought "Oh, No, another of those
namby-pamby, wishy-washy, 'the world's a beautiful place' kind of
fluff stuff."
Then I thought about people with broken hearts. That led
inevitably to thinking about people whose hearts apparently had
never broken.
That moved me to the startling conclusion that I have never met
a person who has not suffered from a broken heart who I have liked.
They're cold, unfeeling. They care little for anyone else, unless
the other person can do something to help them or because it's
their duty and it will make them look good.
As co-workers they aren't much fun, unless you want to retire to
a pub after work. They usually have a ready supply of jokes or
insults to sling around about people who are having problems. You
can't learn much from them because they don't care enough to teach
anyone else.
While they pride themselves on their parenting skills, it's not
much fun to be their child because they have no idea what a child
needs. They do know how to structure family life so they visit the
theme parks and drive SUVs and the kids know how to behave because
they're painful to be around when they bitch about the kid not
being well mannered.
People whose hearts have been broken open--usually more than
once--so they're never sure they will be able to piece their lives
back together again, they care about others. They're sometimes
painful to be around too because they want others to avoid having
their hearts broken (little knowing how counter-productive that is
to building stability and sensitivity in young people). But they
care and they show it.
They're usually
much loved as parents because they know--perhaps their most
important and endearing characteristic--how much those they love
need to be touched. Touch is a basic human need, though not one
well publicized. Those whose hearts have been broken want to hold
their loved ones near, which while being awkward sometimes lets
their loved ones know how much they are loved.
People whose hearts have been broken are better listeners,
especially to others who have problems. They have been there and
know that often just listening is the best form of comforting for
someone in great need.
They need to be learners more than those whose hearts have never
been broken. Rock-hearted people believe they already know as much
as they need to know, find learning from someone else humiliating,
believe that nothing is true unless it conforms to their personal
life experience.
Those whose hearts have been broken know they will never know
enough. They know they didn't know enough to prevent their heart
from being broken, so they had better learn more. They never learn
the secret (and they shouldn't) but they learn a great deal more
along the way.
Broken hearted people know how to trust, even if it hurts them.
Rock hearts never trust anyone fully, which makes them shallow
people.
Heart-healed people know how to smile in such a way that they
convey both that they feel good and that they want others to share
what they feel. They appreciate being happy because they know it
never lasts. They also eventually learn that unhappiness never
lasts. Life is a cycle of ups and downs and the survivors live it
more fully.
The survivors share more of themselves and what they have. They
share their love with family and loved ones, but also with
strangers, homeless people, lost children, dying aunts, co-workers
who are "suddenly single."
Heartbreak survivors learn that emotions work like a pendulum,
the farther they swing to the negative, the greater the potential
they have for their emotions to swing the same distance toward
happiness, peace and contentment. Hard hearted people may not get
angry much, but they don't have the capacity to enjoy life to the
fullest either. They believe that happiness can be bought with
money and delight in the acquisition of it.
Those with unbroken hearts like to be bosses because they don't
have the ability to be sensitive to the things that common people
enjoy and appreciate. They think they are whole people because they
have no experience with being other than like rocks. They believe
they are the smart ones and those who get their hearts broken are
simply careless with their emotions, that are needless anyway.
People with cobbled-together hearts know how to live whole
lives, something they discover before they find themselves at the
end of it. Some of the rock hearts never learn that and secretly
die with the intention of returning to earth and finding a way to
take their money with them wherever they go. It's all they really
have.
I find it easy to like people whose heart has been broken. We
share much in common, including our ability to survive. I wouldn't
care if I never met people whose heart has never been broken.
Have you ever wondered about why some kids are so very different
from other kids? It's not just their natures. Part of it is that
some kids have never had their hearts broken (yet) so they act like
the child version of adult rock hearts. A broken heart is not
something you wish on a child, but it makes them different people
who live different lives because of it.
Life changes when you get your heart broken. It's a tough
experience, but no one ever promised us that life would be grand.
At least they shouldn't have because it's not. We grow when we
survive the worst that life has to throw at us.
People whose hearts have been broken have a greater capacity for
life. But you could never convince the rock hearts of that.