DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work
dressed according to your salary. If we see
you wearing $750 Prada shoes & carrying a $900 Gucci bag, we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need
a raise.
SICK LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor's
statement or medical certificate as proof of sickness. If you are
able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to
work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you
are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not
consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have
something removed constitutes a breach of your employment
contract.
PERSONAL LEAVE: Each employee will receive 104
days of personal leave a year. They are
called Saturday & Sunday.
COMPANY VACATION DAYS: We are a good company that,
on top of your entitlement to 104 days of personal leave a year,
allows all employees will take their vacation at the same time
every year. The company vacation days are as follows: Jan 1 &
Dec 25.
COMPASSIONATE LEAVE: This is no
excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be
made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare
cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon, and after work. We will be
glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently
leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done
enough.
LEAVING BECAUSE OF YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be
accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks'
notice as it is your duty to train your own
replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being
spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice
of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A will go from 8 to
8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to
8:40 and on. If you're unable to go at your allotted
time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your
turn comes again. In extreme
emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker.
However, both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in
writing (and not necessarily on toilet paper).
LUNCH BREAKS: Skinny
people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more
so that they can look healthy, normal size
people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced
meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people
get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to
our company. We are here to provide a positive employment
experience. Have a nice week!