In a perfect world, 24/7 honesty and openness
in relationships would be a reality. But we’re not perfect and
neither is the world—and there’s nothing wrong with keeping a
few secrets from your significant other. (Some have
even argued it’s
a necessity in good relationships.) Let’s be clear: We’re not
saying it’s ever OK to outright lie, and little white lies aren’t
even something you should be doing on a daily basis. But keeping
part of your life and thoughts private is healthy and
important.
For instance, does your S.O. really need
to know that his or her mom is an annoying chatterbox after
one glass of wine? Or find out that in your senior year of
college you slept with 75 percent of your total number?
Definitely not. Here are 10 subjects that experts
confirm are totally fine to keep to yourself when you’re in a
relationship.
Your partner doesn’t need to know about the
eye candy in your daily life, whether it’s the sexy guy in the
Armani suit you always notice on the F train or the cute
woman with the music note tattoo who’s always in your
favorite coffee shop. “Telling your partner about people you
have casual, essentially meaningless crushes on won’t make them
feel any better about themselves and could actually sow some
serious seeds of discontent,” says Rita Delgado, a sex educator and
owner of Shades of Love, an adult toy
store in San Antonio, TX. As long as things aren’t going any
further than you thinking he or she is good-looking, then
it’s no harm, no foul.
If you feel comfortable getting into the
nitty-gritty details of your grooming routine, go ahead, but if
it’s something you’d rather not reveal everything about, you’re not
alone—and it’s completely OK. “Your partner doesn’t need to
know about the Botox, laser hair removal, or other body
treatments you use to stay looking and feeling good,” says
adult advice columnist Sarah Merrill, founder
of @bigkidproblems. The
exception: Major surgery, like liposuction, in which case it’s a
health issue and you should share the decision with your S.O.
There’s no need for your lover to know when,
where, and how you pleasure yourself. “If you’re articulating when
and where you’re masturbating, it could be seen by your partner as
a sign that you’re not sexually satisfied, as well,” says
Delgado. Leave this to his or her imagination, which can also
be hot.
Unless you’re partnered for life, how you
spend your money is your business. Once you get to a certain point
of seriousness in a relationship, you should disregard this point,
because talking about finances and
budget is super-important, but until then, your debit card
balance or credit card debt is between you and AmEx. That goes for
savings accounts, too, says attorney Corri Fetman. “Every guy
and girl should have a rainy day fund for emergencies—or
just finally pulling the trigger on those Louboutins you’ve
always wanted,” she says. Either way, the money stuff can get
tricky, so if you’re not sure whether or not you should share
something with your partner, it might be time to have
the money
talk.
That thing some people say about how telling
your partner secrets about other people “doesn’t count”? That’s
totally false. “If you swore to one of your girlfriends that you’d
never divulge the details of her sex life or work drama, then it
should NEVER be revealed to anyone—including your partner,”
says Fetman. It doesn’t matter how close you are or how much
you trust your S.O.: you’ve been sworn to secrecy, which is a
non-negotiable. Don’t sacrifice the integrity of one
relationship for another.
The major caveat for this rule: You don’t have to tell
your S.O. the play-by-play of your friend’s bachelorette weekend or
girls’ night out as long as you used good
judgment. That means that if you’re in a monogamous
relationship, there was no cheating or borderline questionable
behavior—like serious drug use, for instance. “You can keep
the details of that wild weekend on the strip to your best friends
and yourself,” says relationship expert, Michelle Crosby. What happens in
Vegas stays in Vegas, so to speak, and your partner doesn’t need to
know how many singles you shoved into the G-strings of those
Chippendales dancers. Hopefully, though, you’re close enough with
your partner that you’d want to share some of
the funny moments from these types of nights—but as long as you
behaved, you’re under no obligation.
Yes, it’s actually OK to keep your number of sex
partners private. The experts all agree that your number of
lovers is no one’s business but your own. “It’s possible you
had a wild period, which your partner might not love hearing
about,” says dating guru Cathryn Mora, creator
of the relationship-strengthening course LoveSparkMe. “Instead of
delving into every detail, you can say things like ‘I was no
angel,’ but there’s no need to divulge specifics, and I’ve
rarely heard of that conversation ending well.” Ultimately, if
you’re happy in your new relationship, what does it really matter
anyway, assuming you’re both sexually healthy and safe?
“Oh, she went to Harvard? I had no idea.” It’s totally
fine for that to be your response when your S.O. brings up his or
her ex—even if you looked through three years of her Instagrams and
saw every haircut and job change she’s had. Experts say it’s
fine to keep your investigative work a secret from your
partner. Telling him or her may make you look suspicious or just
plain jealous. “I’m not even friends with my boyfriend on
Facebook and was able to find out a lot about his ex just by
knowing her first name!” admits 31-year-old, Stephanie, a teacher
in Staten Island. “I would never tell him, because I
don’t want him thinking I’m jealous or worried—I was just curious.”
Curiosity is fine—just don’t get too obsessive,
since that’s certainly not healthy either.
Never reveal negative feelings about your S.O.’s
family. They may seem to be OK with it at the time that you
say it, but may resent you for it later—and that can get ugly,
since you can’t take it back. (Hint: He or she can bitch about
their parents’ terrible taste in décor and cooking skills—but
you cannot.) And if it’s your parents who aren’t fond
of your partner, just imagine how he or she would feel knowing
that—or how you’d feel if the roles were reversed. “Your
S.O. might not want to spend the rest of their life knowing
that members in your family don’t like them,” says Delgado.”If
they’re in blissful ignorance, keep them that way by not sharing
that passive-aggressive comment your mom made.” In other words,
unless you or your family has something nice to say, don’t say
anything at all.
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