Dear diary,
I am forever curious about relationship between a guy and a girl. 2
decades of my life & I never dated a single female. Which is
why every time I see a couple out there, I get many weird feelings.
Envy, jealousy, sour, hurt. I always yearned to find that special
someone, someone who can share my happiness, my pain &
everything else.
Throughout my life, I have liked different girls on different
occasions: 1 childhood friend, 1 from secondary, 1 during
polytechnic. But I really dont have the guts to tell them I am
interested in them. I was young, ignorant of what is called love.
I was unsure what response I would get. Most of all I fear
rejection
Every time I see the girl I liked, I would notice what she does,
her attire, her language, her every single movement. I couldnt
help it. I really cant. I can only have a friendly chat with
her. I dont dare to tell her, I like you. For fear I get
rejected & in future it will be embarrassing whenever we
meet.
Every time I get to know what she did, where she goes or who she is
with, I wished I was there too. Seeing what I missed out, I felt
some sort of pain, envy & jealousy in me. This may not be a
positive attitude, but I couldnt help it. I mean, what am I in her
eyes? No more then a mere friend. If that is the case, why am I so
fussed up?
Many times I tried to suppress this feelings, I tried consulting in
my buddy, asking my friends about their relationships with girls,
reading books related to this, even tried to keep myself occupied
to forget this. No matter what I did, how my buddy gave sound
advice, how much information I collected, the feeling keeps
appearing.
Those whom I once have feelings for are now gone. I now live life
as usual, but I fear such feelings may arise again. I fear I may
once again have fancy for a girl and history repeats itself. I can
blame no one for this except for myself. I am too suspicious &
emotional. I can hardly take things easy as my buddy had advice me
to do.
What should I do? What can I do? I don't believe I will be single
the whole life, but I am also not confident. Am I really what I
described myself, "Ming Fan Ku Xing"? Have I offended "The Lonely
Star"? Give me a sign...
