This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at
a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida . . . And they
hired him, because he was so honest and funny!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NAME: Greg Bulmash
[SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right
person.]
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I
wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options
and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not
possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management
hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection
of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday,
and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're
better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had
one, would I be here?
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A FELONY?: Is
"felony" sex with a cat? Because if it is . . . no.
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate
question here would be "do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR
RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers
Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
[DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.]
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks
I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be
doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE
BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove
otherwise.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF
YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.]
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
