A Crappy Date (A True Story)
Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in
Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two
years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from
Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never
had the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at
home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and
they make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks
like Prohibition is coming back.
Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through
twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom.
After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he
is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to
cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her
again.
So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City
(about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he
excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They
enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has
to go back again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another
rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak,
so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he
still has a bit of gas stored up.
He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the
table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of
gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and
feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero
immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on
this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of
dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a)
start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He
quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the
way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.
Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at
last week?" he asks.
"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go
into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the
right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to
the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his
current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are
on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure
that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the
sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date
can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the
Gap girl.
"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.)
Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave
the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station
and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down,
our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of
the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly
rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and
throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens
the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.
