Our in-house astrologer Confuseus hands out his horoscopes for
this Chinese New Year.
DOG: Good news! Since this is your year, you will be extremely
attractive to the opposite sex. But the bad news is because youre
a dog, they will express their attraction to you by sniffing your
butt.
PIG: You will be making a big splash this year in a new business
venture. Unfortunately, that business venture is a bak kut teh
stall, and youll be making the splash as a soup ingredient.
RAT: This year, all rats will ponder the ultimate rodent question:
how come Mickey Mouse never takes off his gloves? Hmmm!
OX: Your friends have been telling you for years how full of bull
you are. Well, this year you turn that into an asset by running for
MP.
TIGER: Its time. Time to stop pretending Jessica Alba will ever
have anything to do with a sad old drunk like you, that is.
RABBIT: Youll just have to face the facts. Youre not a
were-rabbit like in that claymation movie. Youre just a weird
rabbit.
DRAGON: Eh, not say I say what, but do something about your breath
already!!! Note: if youre a dragon prince, better curb your wifes
spending.
SNAKE: If youre really into bags and shoes, congrats! This year
youll be made into them.
HORSE: Your job situation will improve greatly this year. I hear
theres a new employer in Singapore whos looking specially for
horses. In particular, the crazy type.
SHEEP: Can you tell your kid to stop following Mary around? Its
creepy! Wait she get restraining order on him, then you know!
MONKEY: Remember the saying, Pay peanuts, get monkeys? Well,
arent you lucky to be living in Singapore where peanuts are worth
a lot! Just dont spend them on golden plumbing equipment.
ROOSTER: You may be a rooster, but thats no reason to feel cocky.
Its a dirty habit and you might go blind if you continue.
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