Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate
the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some
shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your
friends and family...
Ghost Shit
You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit
in the bowl.
Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No
traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to
be sure you did it!
Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and
it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in
your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent
skid marks in the toilet.
Second Thought Shit
You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when
you realize it.....you've got some more.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come
until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so
hard.
Bali Belly Shit
You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.
Right Now Shit
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its
head out before you get your pants down.
King Kong or Commode Choker Shit
This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet
unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well.
This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.
Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets
your ass wet.
Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no
shit!
Cement Block or Oh God Shit
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.
Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and
at least three feet long.
Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god!
How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's
house.
Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops
burning.
Beer Drunk Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit
doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's
somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit
also usually happens at someone else's house.
The Frightened Turtle
The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes
back in
The Bungee Shit
The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into
the water.
The Ring of Fire Shit
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole
feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.
The Crippler
The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your
legs go numb from the waist down.
The Big Bobber
The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always
floats back to the surface.
The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a
traffic jam.
The Incredible Hulk Shit
The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously
expands to twice it's normal size.
The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes
its way out.
The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet,
you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
The Toxic Gas Shit
The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet
before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South
American town.
Dirty Bowl Shit
The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second,
reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and
splatters all over the toilet bowl.
The Windy City Shit
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer
need to take a shit.
Oh Shit! Shit
You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of
toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!
The Never Ending Shit
It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just
when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash,
more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky
Fried Chicken.
Ouch That Hurt Shit
The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a
bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.
I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement
as you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios
listed. If you haven't you need more fiber.....
The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's
rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse,
but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that
breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic
high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was
totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the
world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too
many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a
sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent
fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill
advised.....
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you
all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie
starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass
look like "a Japanese Flag".
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an
empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you.
You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are
the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then
come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must
face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself
to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your
shirt-tail or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water
that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now
your wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up
your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by
nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma.
First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and
wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the
newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster
loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an
Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you
get through it.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime
peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that
break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next
cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his
umbrella like a M16....damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates
are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to
cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the
essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1.
Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the
first two stanzas of your favorite opera.
The Cling-On Dump
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop.
You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump
but the little bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a
canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some
scissors.......
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the
whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole
episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs
into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet,
walls, whatever it takes.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are
about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on.
You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is
seven encores.....
The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep
down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush?
Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and
smile at the next person who comes in.
