Jokes Thread !

last SG · 2005-06-22T16:51:03+00:00

dun get the first... the second's

Ferret SG

Very long never contribute le.

New ones. Mr. Green

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

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A waiter asks a man, May I take your order, sir?

Yes, the man replies. Im just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?

Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that theyre going to die.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Ferret SG

Different Ways To Say ''You're Stupid''

A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off her cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The lights are on, but nobody's home.
24 cents short of a quarter.

alexkusu SG

Lights are on, nobody home.

Wheel is spinning, ferret is dead.. Laughing

omegadevil SG

Originally posted by makiko:
[b]TOPIC : COWS

TRADITIONAL CORPORATION

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies
and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment and high bovine productivity. You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You worship them.

A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre. Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply. When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20. The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead. Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.

A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. One cow-peh and one cow-bu

[/b]

This is Nice. I love this one
Laughing

omegadevil SG

Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad
Thats bad of the boy. But its a funny joke

redstone SG

Why Armageddon attracts many old ladies to watch?

Because Armageddon = Ah Ma Gather!

Mr. Green
Laughing

makiko SG

> >1. On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their
three
> >sons.
> >
> >Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the
window
> >onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying
> >dead
in
> >the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she
possibly
> >continue to feed her family now?
> >
> >In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband
> >awoke
to
> >find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the
> >hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
> >
> >Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the
cow!),
and
> >he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
> >
> >When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the
> >bank.
She
> >said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you
will
> >have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and
the
> >cow to you."
> >
> >The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to
> >satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
> >
> >Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had
happened,
he
> >too decided to throw himself into the river.
> >
> >The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a
row,
> >I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best
> >(seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she
> >drowned him
in
> >the river.
> >
> >The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in
> >the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless
prospect,
> >and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
> >
> >And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has
> >happened,
and
> >I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen
times
> >in a row."
> >
> >The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
> >
> >The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said,
"Hell,
> >why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly
> >agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
> >
> >Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me
> >thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect
> >health."
Then
> >the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row
won't
> >kill you like it did the cow?"

makiko SG

2. A boy is home with his babysitter on a stormy night when the boy
says
> >"Usually on a stormy night mommy lets me cuddle with her". The
babysitter
> >responds with "OK". They are cuddling when the boy says "Usually
> >mommy
lets
> >me take a bath". The babysitter says "ok". The boy is in the tub when
he
> >says "Usually mommy gets in with me". The babysitter says "Really?
ok".
> >They are in the tub when the boy says "Usually my mommy lets me touch
her
> >bellybutton" The babysitter says "Really? ummmmm ok".
> >
> >Then the babysitter says "Hey that wasn't my bellybutton!" The boy
says
> >"That wasn't my finger either."

makiko SG

3. Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke,
when
it
> >started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the
end
and
> >put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
> >
> >Lady 1: What's that?
> >Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Lady 1:
> >Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
> >
> >The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces
> >to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
> >
> >The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she
> >is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what
> >brand
she
> >prefers.
> >
> >Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
> >
> >The pharmacist fainted.
> >

makiko SG

4.
> >
> >A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her
> >bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully
says
> >"Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
> >
> >Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow
to
> >enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what
> >happened, and in minutes they both return.
> >
> >This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on
the
> >door, make my penis touch the floor!".
> >
> >Again, there's a bright flash... and then his legs fall off!
> >
> >5.An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a
bikini
> >- "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
> >
> >"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
> >
> >"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he
says.
> >
> >"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
> >
> >"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he
> >stated.
> >
> >"NO! Get away from me!"
> >
> >"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
> >
> >She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says,
"I
> >said NO!"
> >
> >"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.
> >
> >She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500
IS
a
> >lot of money... "Well, OK... but only for a minute."
> >
> >She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the
beach,
> >he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started
saying,
> >"OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.
> >
> >Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god,
oh
my
> >god'?"
> >
> >While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY
> >GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five
hundred
> >dollars?"

makiko SG

6. Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going
> >back
to
> >the place where they first met.
> >
> >Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time
> >I
met
> >you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner
> >behind
the
> >gas works, and I gave you one from behind."
> >
> >"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady
> >with
a
> >grin.
> >
> >"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you
one
> >from behind."
> >
> >The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man
sitting
> >next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself,
thinking
> >it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up
and
> >follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas
works.
> >The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
> >
> >The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the
little
> >old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of
the
> >most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is
> >banging
away
> >at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as
phenomenal.
> >Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not
stop
> >for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an
hour.
> >
> >Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything
that
> >equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from
his
> >own experiences.
> >
> >Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to
know
> >his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50
> >years' time!"
> >
> >The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed
themselves.
> >Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
> >
> >He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like
that,
> >particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like
> >that
50
> >years ago?"
> >
> >The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't
> >electrified."

makiko SG

7. Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to
raise
> >some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.
After
a
> >few days, a young, attractive woman applied for the room and
> >explained
that
> >she was a model working in a nearby city center studio for a few
weeks.
She
> >said she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays but would pay
for
> >the whole week.
> >
> >Doris showed her the house, and they agreed to start straight away.
> >
> >"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job,
> >I
have
> >to take a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
> >
> >"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the
yard,
> >and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it
with
> >hot water."
> >
> >"What about you're husband?" asked the model.
> >
> >"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the
> >evenings," replied Doris.
> >
> >"Good," said the model. "Now that's settled, I'll go to the studio
> >and
see
> >you tonight."
> >
> >That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris
prepared
> >the bath for the model. After stripping her clothes, the model
> >stepped
into
> >the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The
model
> >noticed Doris's staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is
part
> >of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimwear or
> >underclothes.
> >
> >Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity, and he did not
believe
> >her.
> >
> >"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me,
> >tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open, and you can
> >peek
in
> >and see for yourself."
> >
> >The next night, Fred left as usual, and Doris prepared the bath for
the
> >model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind
her.
> >Doris looked toward the curtains and pointed toward the model's naked
pubic
> >area. Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed
> >to
her
> >own hairy mass.
> >
> >Later, Fred returned and they retired to bed.
> >
> >"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred.
> >
> >"Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But
why
> >did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"
> >
> >"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess
> >you've
seen
> >me millions of times."
> >
> >"Yes," said Fred, "I have -- but the rest of the dart team hadn't."
> >

Lim Beh Ka Li Kong SG

A wife asked her husband:
"What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied:
"I like your sense of humor."

Mr. Green

Finnz SG

Hilarious

RaTtY81 SG

Laughing

browniebaobao SG

I lie awake waiting for you.

As I lie on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you lay on my naked body...

You sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you nearly drove me crazy while you drained me.

Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone.

I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...

........you f--king mosquito.

Gino & Angela

kalangkabo SG

ROTFL

Laughing

browniebaobao SG

Why I Am Not Married

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the
wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:

"Husband Wanted"

The next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:

"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said, I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

A Woman's Prayer "Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man, to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death. Laughing

shinta SG

Shocked Shocked Shocked

shinta SG

Originally posted by browniebaobao:

A Woman's Prayer "Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man, to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.

Shocked Shocked Shocked

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