Hi folks,
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to
send me your damn chain letters over the past few years.
Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of what's left
of my heart for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Because of your concern...
I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet
stains.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick
from the rat faeces and urine.
I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys
and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like
a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer use margarine because it's one molecule away from being
plastic.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with
a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with
calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every
wish. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my
prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a
wish within five minutes. (Geez, the BIBLE did not mention it works
that way!)
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who
is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.
Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for
me! I will now return the favor.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next
60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhoea will crap on your head at
5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will
infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a
friend of a friend of a friend of my next door neighbour's
ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd husband's
ex-wife's mother's beautician!
