haii so this is hotel heartbreak, didnt think i would ever need
to post here. i always thought that r/s problems are not worth
getting troubled over, that i wont ever allow myself to be found in
such a situation, yet i cant seem to find peace within the depths
of my soul.
prolly just sharing how i feel, to let off whats inside for so
long.
in primary three, i had a crush on this guy who sat beside me. its
like puppy love, cant remember why i liked him then. i think its
because we interacted quite a lot, sitting beside each other, and
he was really good looking.
as time passed, and hormones surged during puberty, i had many
crushes on the other guys, BUT these crushes lasted a short time
and when i had no other guys to crush on, i would go back to liking
my first crush. call me stupid or whatever, but that was how silly
and foolish i was in primary school, that shy student who had
crushes but never had the guts to confess. whenever i had a new
crush, i would keep it to myself and only limit myself to stealing
glances at my crush. i dont even try to make myself more noticeable
to my crushes, so its more of a one way thing. but hey, that was in
primary school and i was content just given the chance to stare at
my crushes.
by primary six, i realised that i still "kinda like" my first
crush. in fact, for the entire year, i wasnt crushing anyone,
prolly due to psle. i just had feelings of liking for him.
in sec school, went to a non co-ed school and lost contact with my
crush. after all the other crushes faded, i keep going back to
liking him, occasionally thinking about him and just missing him.
for four years it was like that
in jc now and i dont know if fate is playing with me or what cos we
ended up
in the same jc. i saw him on the first day, didnt get a chance to
say hello for a while. somehow there is this sense of awkwardness
whenever i see him, like he knew that i liked him and he was
embarrassed about it too. but the thing is, i dont even know if he
remotely likes me in the first place.
its really nice just seeing him along the corridors or in the
canteen. whenever i do talk to him, i feel ok, dont blush or show
sighs of likeness for him at all. i feel just like an ordinary
friend to him. its only when i dont see him that i start thinking
about him, missing him and liking him, weird huh
the thing is, i dont even know much about him at all, even in
primary school, the time when we were closest. dont know what kind
of person, he is, the things he is or is not. the things i know
about him are the characters and personalities that he portrays and
possess as a primary school student. so its like, i dont know him
at all. its like liking a total stranger. i dont even know if i
should like him, because its like a waste of time to be liking a
person you dont know, just liking what is outside and not knowing
what is inside
anyway, i really hope that he is more than a piece of eye candy,
after having that crush on him for so long. i have no intention of
confessing, because sometimes, i dont even know how i can feeling
about it myself. ill just look at him from afar and say hi and chat
a little. thats what ive been doing but i feel like something's
amiss. i feel weird about it. argh i dont know how im feeling, just
confused i guess. feeling vulnerable right now, but im feeling much
better after penning down the thoughts about this secret for so
long. the only comfort is that my identity is kept anonymous so i
dont feel so embarrassed talking about it.
