Our normal way of relating people is to see ourself as separate
from the others.
To objectify beings as separate you and make them an object of
attachment is to bring endless seeking, endless longing, and
endless suffering. And hence, passion, emotion, attachment, and so
on. All sentient beings are like that.
But to recognise yourself (true self), in all beings, is true
love. When we meet someone without seeing them as individual
entities separate from us, with no labeling and no objectification,
there is simply the act of love, or compassion, without separation
resulting in lust. There is a 'recognition in oneness'.
The problem is we will always hold onto an idea of separation
and individuality, and become totally bonded, and this strong
imprint will lead to suffering, if lets say we 'lose' someone (and
in actuality there is no 'one' who can lose 'some other one'). We
will then be lost in our stream of endless projection of someone
separate from us, leading to separation, seeking, and
suffering.
But if suffering happens we cannot suppress or push it away, if
suffering arise, we have to be completely honest and face the
suffering fearlessly. To deny suffering is to deny What
Is, and this denial will result in further suffering because
there is no 'you' (a fiction) who can run away from What
Is. There is only What Is at every moment... so if
suffering arise at that moment, it has to be accepted.
As you can see, the problem is not in love itself, but in the
illusion of separation, grasping on individuality, lust, resulting
in suffering.
I am myself far from being free from such illusions, but I know
of people who have reached that level. They are awakened. As
longchen said,
Yes, a fully enlightened being will not view what that is
being see as external.
There is no inner and outer. Likewise there is no separate
persons and things out there.
There is no out there. There is no inside. All is one
reality.
That being said, as a lay person, it's important not to be too
attached to someone or anything, and contemplate on the
impermanence and death. But the ultimate 'solution' is not throwing
away your wife or belongings (I know of many enlightened people who
still have family and children), it is to realise deeply the
non-dual reality, without separation, without self and others,
without birth and dying, coming or going... the non-dual reality
that encompasses everything. It transform our 'dualistic love' to
the great love of Bodhisattvas, which is non-dualistic, and
unconditional for all beings.
Vimalakirti Sutra:
Thereupon, Manjusri, the crown prince, addressed the Licchavi
Vimalakirti: "Good sir, how should a bodhisattva regard all living
beings?"
Vimalakirti replied, "Manjusri, a bodhisattva should regard all
livings beings as a wise man regards the reflection of the moon in
water or as magicians regard men created by magic. He should regard
them as being like a face in a mirror; like the water of a mirage;
like the sound of an echo; like a mass of clouds in the sky; like
the previous moment of a ball of foam; like the appearance and
disappearance of a bubble of water; like the core of a plantain
tree; like a flash of lightning; like the fifth great element; like
the seventh sense-medium; like the appearance of matter in an
immaterial realm; like a sprout from a rotten seed; like a
tortoise-hair coat; like the fun of games for one who wishes to
die; like the egoistic views of a stream-winner; like a third
rebirth of a once-returner; like the descent of a nonreturner into
a womb; like the existence of desire, hatred, and folly in a saint;
like thoughts of avarice, immorality, wickedness, and hostility in
a bodhisattva who has attained tolerance; like the instincts of
passions in a Tathagata; like the perception of color in one blind
from birth; like the inhalation and exhalation of an ascetic
absorbed in the meditation of cessation; like the track of a bird
in the sky; like the erection of a eunuch; like the pregnancy of a
barren woman; like the unproduced passions of an emanated
incarnation of the Tathagata; like dream-visions seen after waking;
like the passions of one who is free of conceptualizations; like
fire burning without fuel; like the reincarnation of one who has
attained ultimate liberation.
"Precisely thus, Manjusri, does a bodhisattva who
realizes the ultimate selflessness consider all
beings."
Manjusri then asked further, "Noble sir, if a
bodhisattva considers all living beings in such a way, how does he
generate the great love toward them?"
Vimalakirti replied, "Manjusri, when a bodhisattva considers all
living beings in this way, he thinks: 'Just as I have
realized the Dharma, so should I teach it to living beings.'
Thereby, he generates the love that is truly a refuge for all
living beings; the love that is peaceful because free of grasping;
the love that is not feverish, because free of passions; the love
that accords with reality because it is equanimous in all three
times; the love that is without conflict because free of the
violence of the passions; the
love that is nondual because it is involved neither with the
external nor with the internal; the love that is imperturbable
because totally ultimate.
"Thereby he generates the love that is firm, its high resolve
unbreakable, like a diamond; the love that is pure, purified in its
intrinsic nature; the love that is even, its aspirations being
equal; the saint's love that has eliminated its enemy; the
bodhisattva's love that continuously develops living beings; The
Tathagata's love that understands reality; the Buddha's love that
causes living beings to awaken from their sleep; the love that is
spontaneous because it is fully enlightened spontaneously; the love
that is enlightenment because it is unity of experience; the love
that has no presumption because it has eliminated attachment and
aversion; the love that is great compassion because it infuses the
Mahayana with radiance; the love that is never exhausted because it
acknowledges voidness and selflessness; the love that is giving
because it bestows the gift of Dharma free of the tight fist of a
bad teacher; the love that is morality because it improves immoral
living beings; the love that is tolerance because it protects both
self and others; the love that is effort because it takes
responsibility for all living beings; the love that is
contemplation because it refrains from indulgence in tastes; the
love that is wisdom because it causes attainment at the proper
time; the love that is liberative technique because it shows the
way everywhere; the love that is without formality because it is
pure in motivation; the love that is without deviation because it
acts from decisive motivation; the love that is high resolve
because it is without passions; the love that is without deceit
because it is not artificial; the love that is happiness because it
introduces living beings to the happiness of the Buddha. Such,
Manjusri, is the great love of a bodhisattva."