The first time it happened to marketing manager
Crystal*, she was completely blindsided.
“I was going overseas for a work trip, and my
supervisor asked me to take pictures for another project we were
working on. She had seen my Instagram feed and said I took good
pictures, so she wanted me to take some for use in our presentation
to our director,” she said.
“Because of her instructions, I lugged my heavy DSLR
camera all the way to Europe, and spent a lot of time and effort
into curating shots. However, when I returned to the office and
showed her my pictures, she looked at me incredulously and went, ‘I
told you not to take these! Your pictures will never make it into
the presentation. They’re only good enough for your own social
media feed.’ I was completely taken aback — I had actually written
down her instructions! But because I was so shocked, I couldn’t
defend myself in time.”
Account executive Marianne* had a similar experience in
the advertising agency she used to work at. She said: “The account
manager I was working on the same account with instructed me to
come up with a few pitch ideas for a client. Over the course of the
prep work, he dictated the direction of the pitch and reminded me
to follow his instructions exactly. When we finally went to present
the ideas to the account director, she was not at all pleased to
find out that we had gotten the client’s brief entirely wrong.”
“Instead of owning up to his mistake, the account
manager agreed with her and told her that he’d already told me, and
he wasn’t sure why I still went ahead with the pitch angle. He was
so convincing that I actually tried to recall if I’d misunderstood
him. When I asked him about it afterwards, he retorted, ‘Well, you
didn’t have to take me so literally, did you?’”
DENIAL, MISDIRECTION & CONTRADICTION
It’s tempting to write off these apparent lapses in
memory as one-off incidents, especially if you’re dealing with
someone you work closely with. But if you’re starting to see a
consistent pattern over an extended period of time, you could be
looking at something a lot more insidious, such as
“gaslighting”.
Gaslighting is widely defined as a form of manipulation
that makes the victim doubt his or her sense of reality.
Through constant and persistent denial, misdirection
and contradiction, the manipulator gains the upper hand when the
victim starts to question their own memory and sanity. While the
concept of gaslighting isn’t new, it has been more commonly covered
in popular culture as a manipulation tactic in relationships.
The term originated from the 1944 Oscar-nominated
mystery thriller Gaslight, which tells the story of a young woman
who is constantly manipulated and lied to by her husband, to the
point where she isolates herself from the public for fear of not
being able to trust her own grasp of reality.
Gaslighting was also brought to the fore in The New
York Times bestseller The Girl On The Train, where a cheating
ex-husband was revealed in a plot twist to have taken advantage of
the lead character’s alcoholism to plant false memories of her
abusive behaviour towards him.
MORE THAN JUST A MANIPULATION TACTIC
But it was only last year that gaslighting outside of
personal relationships became a hot topic, thanks to the United
States presidential election — and, more specifically, US president
Donald Trump.
Even when presented with video or written evidence of
contradictory statements made throughout the course of his
campaign, Trump would resolutely deny ever making them. Former CNN
correspondent Frida Ghitis summed it up best in an
opinion-editorial in which she stated: “Reality is becoming hazy in
the era of Trump. And that’s no accident. The fact is Trump has
become America’s gaslighter-in-chief.”
Now, people are starting to take notice of such
tactics, particularly in the work environment. If Crystal’s and
Marianne’s stories sound like something you’ve experienced before,
you may be a victim of gas lighting in the workplace.
Rachel Gan, manager of Sales & Marketing, Consumer
& Healthcare at recruitment consultancy Robert Walters
Singapore, shared two common examples.
“If your boss has a history of promising to do
something for you and subsequently retracting his or her statement;
or if you find a co-worker alternating between being warm and cold
towards you, while constantly undermining your contributions, it
could be a form of gaslighting.” she said.
According to Ho Shee Wai, founder and registered
psychologist of The Counselling Place, people who gaslight often
have some form of personality disorder such as narcissistic
personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, or
antisocial personality disorder. They could appear at any
hierarchical level in the workplace, but problems are amplified
when they are your supervisors.
“In Asia, we are always told to listen to our bosses
and corporate settings do not encourage second guessing or
questioning one’s boss,” said Richa Sharma, manager at employment
agency Page Personnel Singapore.
As experts describe it, gaslighting is a “sophisticated
form of emotional abuse”. And the unfortunate thing is, it’s
sometimes hard to identify and hence correctly manage it.
“Many people are unaware of the concept of gas
lighting,” said Ho. “Many people chalk it up to having a difficult
boss.”
Daniel Koh, psychologist at Insights Mind Centre,
agrees, “Most of the time, (the victims) are so caught up in
handling their emotions or the current situation (of being
gaslighted), they don’t realise the intentions (of the
abuser).”
A MENTAL & PHYSICAL TOLL
According to Ho, it’s crucial that people are aware
they’re being manipulated.
“The technique used in gaslighting is similar to those
used in brainwashing, interrogation and torture that have been used
in psychological warfare by intelligence operatives, law
enforcement and other forces for decades. And the effect is a
negative impact on the mental equilibrium, self-confidence and
self-esteem, so that (victims) are no longer able to function in an
independent way.”
Sharma echoed those sentiments. “By listening to the
accusations by the abuser, you are automatically and categorically
giving him or her more power and control. As a result, you’re
breaking the trust you have with yourself and handing it over to
the abuser(s). The problem is bigger than you think.”
Sounds exaggerated? Consider the physical and mental
toll gaslighting took on Crystal and Marianne.
“I left every meeting with my boss completely drained —
mentally and physically — from having to be hyper-present,” said
Crystal. “I started exhibiting classic signs of burn-out: I
physically couldn’t get out of bed in the morning, I lost my
appetite, I lost interest in things I used to feel passionate
about. My hair started falling out and my skin became patchy and
dry.”
In Marianne’s case, despite exercising diligently and
eating well, her periods became irregular because of the
stress.
“There were days where I would pass out on my laptop at
home because I was wracking my brains so hard for new ideas again
and again in case he changed his mind. And because he would make
sneering remarks about how I was such a ‘millennial’ — implying
that I couldn’t take the heat — I tried even harder to prove him
wrong. I ended up drinking almost every day to relieve the
stress.”
Despite the physical strain, both of them stuck it out
for longer than they wanted to because of the same reason: They
blamed themselves for the situation.
“I bought into his ‘millennial’ nonsense, and truly
believed I was just terrible at what I did,” recalled Marianne. “I
didn’t quit because I was afraid that nobody else would hire me,
and I’d be proving him right.”
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
If the gaslighter is your boss, Robert Walters’ Gan
suggests summarising and documenting your discussion after
important meetings.
“In the event that your boss promises you a pay raise
or promotion then denies ever having said anything, it would be
good then to use the writer summary as a reference point — it could
be in the form of an email or appraisal form,” she elaborated.
“If he or she maintains the same stance despite the
evidence, maintain your calm but be assertive yet tactful by asking
your boss what made him or her change his mind.”
In the case of a co-worker gaslighting you, Gan said
that regardless of the situation, it’s important to maintain your
professionalism. “If you feel the feedback provided by your
co-worker lacks justification, try scheduling a meeting with him or
her to obtain more clarification.”
When faced with such people in the office, both Sharma
and Gan agree that it’s best to have a support system whether
within or outside the company, and “basically, (let them be) your
reason within the insanity”.
It’s also imperative to have faith in yourself and
trust your intuition.
“Have self-confidence. If you don’t allow others to get
to you, then gaslighting won’t work,” said Insights Mind Centre’s
Koh.
Of course, if the situation doesn’t improve, sometimes
there’s just no point fighting a losing battle.
“The healthiest way to end gaslighting is to put
yourself as priority, and get out,” shares Sharma. “This is not a
battle you need to win. There is no ‘they won’, or ‘they beat me’
scenario. You just need to move on and be at peace with it, but
also recognise the lessons learned from the ordeal.”
DON’T BE AFRAID TO LEAVE
In the end, both Cystal and Marianne left their jobs
because, despite confronting their supervisors, nothing
changed.
“My boss simply did not see anything wrong with her
actions,” said Crystal. “The only thing left was to change my
situation — either not let it get to me, or leave a job I loved.
For the sake of my wellbeing, I chose the latter.”
“The moment I handed in my resignation, it was as
though I had a complete personality reboot,” said Marianne. “I had
become a very negative and bitter person in the last few years
working with my manager, and resigning made me feel as though life
was full of possibilities again. My mind felt clear and my
colleagues even joked about my skin glowing the next day.”
“I was sad about leaving my colleagues, of course. But
ultimately, no job is worth the mental torture I had to endure. All
I was looking for in a supervisor was someone who demonstrated
basic respect for others. Gaslighting your co-workers and
subordinates is the very opposite of that.”
*Names and occupations have been changed to protect
their identities.
A version of this story first appeared in
ELLE.sg.