Did you ever think you heard something and turn to discover
nothing there? We all have. But have you ever heard voices that
seemed to be inside your own head? Voices that told you you smell
bad or that you should leap in front of a bus?
It's hard to imagine getting through life with such hallucinations.
But for many people it is a daily challenge. I, for one, have spent
most of my 29 years hearing these inexplicable voices. Two forms of
severe mental illness schizophrenia and bipolar disorder are
responsible.
I don't know why or how I developed these conditions. There is no
history of mental illness in my family.
Perhaps the first sign of problems to come was when I was still a
kid in school. I started acting out in front of other classmates.
According to my teachers, I was hyperactive, and they suggested
medication. But my mother refused.
When I was 14 I started hearing voices. They were frightening and
foreboding. They would tell me to kill people and threaten to kill
me if I didn't. To escape these demons, I did street drugs angel
dust, cocaine, and pills. I also began to drink heavily. Ultimately
my mother had to commit me to a psychiatric institution for a
year.
While I was being treated I was afraid to tell my doctors about the
voices in my head. So I was treated for drugs and alcohol
addiction.
After I was discharged, I continued to hear the voices. I became so
depressed that I couldn't bear to be alive, and I attempted
suicide. I had to return to a psychiatric ward, but I still didn't
trust the people there to tell them about my voices. So they
continued to treat just my substance abuse.
The voices at times were stronger than at others. When I was in my
mid-twenties, they became unbearable. I began to run away from them
literally taking trains and buses to cities such as Atlanta and
Phoenix.
But nothing worked. No matter where I traveled, I could not escape
them.
I finally took a bus to Santa Monica, California, where I went to a
hospital and told the doctors about the overwhelming dialogue going
on in my head. I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and
given medications for it, but the voices still overpowered my
mind.
I went back to New York, where the doctors added bipolar disorder
and hypothyroidism to my diagnosis and started me on a new
antipsychotic.
Two and a half months later, I stumbled out of my hospital bed and
walked to the nurses' station, where I announced, "The voices are
gone." For the first time, my mind was quiet and clear. I began
learning things all over again. I felt like a newborn baby.
My life has changed dramatically because of these medications. I no
longer wait for the voices to tell me what to do. I set my own
goals. I've moved into my own apartment and attend a day program.
And I'm hoping to go back to school this summer to become a
chef.
The voices are gone, and I'm relieved (though I have to admit that
sometimes when I'm lonely I do miss them).
This story was written by John Gillen with the help of Todd
Huckabone. Based in New York, they both live with
schizophrenia.
http://www.mentalwellness.com/html/mw/pd_mentalhealth.xml?article=index_stories.jspf