http://www.allsingaporestuff.com/article/girl-forced-abort-baby-after-young-father-refused-take-responsibility
My dearest angel, i am sorry.
I'm sorry that i cannot bring you into this world. I'm sorry
that i'll never get to hold you in my arms or be able to tell you
how much i love you. I won't get to wrap you up with the quilt that
my mother poured her heart into making for you. I won't get to feel
you inside me anymore and i won't get to feel the joy of having you
in my life.
I'm sorry that you kick and move around so innocently and yet
you don't know that you'll be going back into the arms of God
soon.
Maybe its idiotic for me to feel so upset over you since i'm
only 18 and in other's eyes i might be the disgusting and
disgraceful one for getting myself into this in the first place.
But they do not know the joys of being your mother. They do not
understand the happiness and comfort you bring me with each little
kick. They will not care that in a few days, i have to take away
the one person that has kept me going for the past 5 months of
hell. It has been your kicks that has gotten me through the hard
nights after an argument because ultimately, if it is for you, any
amount of physical pain is worth it. Perhaps it is stupid that i
refer to you as if you're alive and you can read this but i don't
know how or where else i can express my grief.
I'm sorry that daddy doesn't want to take responsibility because
i've made too many mistakes and caused him too much hurt that he
cannot bring himself to raise you with me.
I'm sorry that i let him hit and kick you so many times while
you were still growing. I should have been more careful. I should
have used contraception or gone for the morning after pill and
never had let this happen in the first place and it is my fault to
begin with. I can't bring myself to give you up to another family
and leave you with thoughts like 'why didn't mummy want me' or 'why
didn't mummy love me' ; the same thoughts and questions i had to
grow up with. The fact is that I do love you very much, more than
anything else in this world but i'll never be able to tell you and
it kills me.
I can't bring you up as a single mother either, you'd wonder the
same things about your father. You would wonder why all your
friends in school have a daddy but not you. How would i face you
and say that the reason Leon didn't want you is because of me?
While your daddy walks away with no scars or pain and without a
care in the world, only eager to find a new woman, i want you to
know that after i wake up from the operation i'll pick up the
broken pieces on my own. The sleepless nights filled with regret
and endless tears seems like the minimal punishment for taking away
your life.
You, who's only "mistake" was growing and existing.
Please know that this is the hardest decision i've had to make
and i hate myself for it.
Believe me, I want to go with you as well, So so badly.
People say you're going to a better place and it is easy to get
over my loss since you aren't "really alive".
How can that be when I feel you kick and move every night before
i sleep.
How do i live with the fact that after i wake from the
operation, there'll be no more kicks, no more movement. How do i
cope with missing those kicks and little movements? All that will
be left is silence and cruel emptiness and I will long day and
night to feel you once again.
I'm going to miss you so much and i wish there was another way,
you don't deserve any of this. You deserve to live and to be
loved.
Please know that it had come to a point where i was given no
choice. My only options from your father and his family was to
raise you on my own, or give you up for adoption.
Perhaps raising a child alone or seperately is considered normal
to his family and therefore i should have no qualms about it. His
mother might feel nothing towards killing a baby, her grandchild,
since she's done it 5 times herself but i cannot bring myself to
say with a clear conscience that this is the right thing to do.
There is no right choice.
The correct and fair option would be for both your father and i to
take responsibility, but that is out of the question and i am to be
blamed. I'm sorry i didn't fight or try harder.
Forgive me for i have failed you in all aspects as a mother and i
am so sorry. I should have protected you. I am a monster and i
should be the one to go, not you. I will cherish our last few days
together with all my being. I will miss you with all my heart and
soul and not a day will go by where i don't think of you. My
biggest fear is not being able to get over the anger and self
loathing. I'm so afraid of letting go and what comes afterwards.
Despite the criticism and judgement, you are the best thing that
has ever happened to me and i will learn from losing you.
You will always be precious to me, so know that you hold a
special place in my heart and that you are, now and to the very end
of time, my very first little girl. I can only pray and hope that
you, my little angel will find peace and somehow forgive me.
I love you so very much. I wish there was another way.
And Leon Lee E, i hope you get to see this. I wish you all the
best in NUS and i pray you won't do this to any other girl. You can
choose to twist the story and place all the blame on me, i do not
mind, I was horrible to you after all. I abused you physically and
emotionally during our first month together all because of my own
selfish 'issues'. Alas, that is no excuse. I lied about changing
time and time again and when i finally woke up, it was too late for
you. I still feel that if we are being entirely honest, we are both
at fault whether you want to admit it or not. We both hurt each
other, we left each other scars.
Although you tried to physically induce an abortion countless
times, i hope you won't forget your baby Ashe. She is and always
will be your very first daughter. Do not ever forget her. Do not
ever forget the sound of her heartbeat or how she moved around so
much during our gynae visits. I am thankful that despite your
attempts at her life, she turned out perfect. I remember your face
when you first saw her and when you saw her again just last
Wednesday. You can choose to deny it but deep down you didn't hate
her, you hated me. My only regret between the two of us now is that
she wont get a proper goodbye from you. Our relationship was never
easy and it was hard the whole way through. We were both upset and
unhappy for the few months we were together. The single happiest
moment was not even on my birthday but when i saw our baby girl for
the first time.
That is how much she means to me. For 5 months i never gave up
on you. I never stopped doting on you or treating you like you were
a prince. I took your beatings and verbal abuse because i thought
that maybe just maybe, if i let you have your way and i let you do
what you want, you'd forgive me for taking you for granted and we
could love again. I am and i will never not be sorry for spending
your money and taking away your freedom. I see now that i was wrong
to keep hoping and looking for the best in you. I was wrong for
trying desperately to make this work for her sake.
Nevertheless, I'm sorry for the first month where i pushed you
physically and psychologically to the point where you no longer
loved me and we stayed together purely out of my will to let the
baby have a proper family. I hope the subsequent months of
bloodshed and abuse you inflicted on me in return will one day be
enough for you to forgive me. I have never blamed you for anything
you've done to me, remember that. I was a horrible girlfriend and
partner and for that, i really am sorry. I hope you will learn and
mature from this incident. I pray the next time if it were to
happen again, you will man up and do the right thing.
My biggest regret is believing you could change and that you
would keep your promise and be responsible for your child. You've
made countless promises about taking care of us and ultimately you
kept none. From day one you wanted to abort and i convinced you to
give her a chance, you agreed. After that you promised time and
time again that you would keep to your word. While you walk away
from this without any sadness or guilt, which i completely
understand since you cant really feel her, i will be here. I will
miss our good memories, no one can deny that we were very
compatible.
Ultimately, i am sorry if i forced you to do the right thing. If
only you had the spine to make that decision on your own.
Remember how you cursed death upon her and i countless times?
You would constantly remind me how you wish that i'd die during
labour along with her or that i'd fall and she would die. Well, I
hope you are happy.
You're finally getting what you wished for. Let this be a lesson
to you and every girl out there, one night of enjoyment and neglect
isn't worth a life time of regret or the life of an innocent child.
I've clearly had to learn that the hard way. Thank you for the
first two months of happiness.
http://www.allsingaporestuff.com/article/girl-forced-abort-baby-after-young-father-refused-take-responsibility
