I met J in the university. She was in the same course as me. I
was attracted by her cuteness and frankness. J is a very attractive
girl too. Very soon, we were a couple.
J and I were together for more than 3 years. We practically see
each other everyday and we shared everything. Theres nothing I
dont know about J and theres nothing she doesnt know about me.
We even had a savings joint account together. We were making plans
for the future and it seems very likely that we were going to get
married to each other. Friends were asking me if she is going to my
future wife and I always replied, Yah lor, should be.
J has a very bad temper. She would flare up very easily over the
tiniest thing. She says she inherits her temper from her mother who
is quite a bit of a chilli padi too.
I couldnt stand Js temper. She would get pissed easily over
everything I do. It seems to me that theres nothing I can do that
will satisfy her. She always lament that Im not caring enough, Im
not sensitive enough, etc
She always criticizes me for being
boring, having no life, etc
And these made me sad. Worse is she
said I dont love her.
When she gets angry, she would stare at me like I just massacred
her family. The stare slices through my heart like a knife through
butter. In particular, she blames for me for not remembering what
she always said. Whenever I forgot a name of her friend or
something else, she will fly into a rage. I admit that Im a very
forgetful person but surely you dont have to get so angry.
Sometimes, she gets pissed when I say something that seems right to
me but wrong to her. Then the nagging, scolding and criticism will
all come and it will get endless. Most of the time, I just kept
quiet. I dont think Im in the wrong but I dont want to aggravate
the situation. I will just apologize and hope she simmers down. But
no she dont. She will scold me why I can only say sorry and why
cant I coax her.
Im not a romantic person or a charmer with sweet lips. But I try.
She complains that I dont give her little surprises so I tried to
do so by giving her tiny presents or find her unexpectedly. I feel
like a slave to her. Every time I went to her house, I would pack
her stuff, clean up her bed and room, keep her clothes, etc
I also
wash the dishes after we ate in her house. But she says any Tom,
Dick or Harry can do those chores. She doesnt feel secured with
me, that I didnt give her the impression that I love her. She says
I place my studies or work above her, that I didnt spend enough
time with her. But I spend more time in her house than in my own
house, I spend so much time with her that I practically neglected
all my other friends.
She also likes to criticize me. Almost every time I see her. She
would say why Im not sensitive and caring. Why I dont how to coax
her. Why I cant go to her workplace to fetch her from work. Why
Im so ugly. Why Im so selfish. And so on. I dont know if Im
truly so bad as a boyfriend. I dont think Im that bad. I dont
understand why she likes me in the first place if she wants me to
change into another completely different person.
As time goes by, I feel like Im trapped in this relationship. I
feel like a slave. Here I was doing everything for J to have J say
that I dont love her. Yet I dont see J doing any thing for me.
Her tempers have made me so paranoid of her getting angry that
everything I do in front of her, I do it with care to make sure she
wont get pissed. Her criticism had made me so unsure of myself to
losing my self-esteem and confidence.
I used to be very patient with J and her temper. But about a year
ago, I also started getting angry every time J gets pissed with me
when I dont think I made any wrong. Why would you always get
pissed off with someone you love? I thought we should try to give
and take?
We quarreled frequently and had break-ups often too only to patch
back. But our differences still remained and patching back only
returns us back to square one. Im the one who always initiated the
break-up only to relent and patch back. Most of the times, I
couldnt bear to see her crying and feeling so sad. She is very
weak emotionally and I really couldnt bear to see her so sad. But
I also wonder why treat me so badly like you dont appreciate me
only to cry when I want to break up?
Last Friday, we broke up again. This time, Im quite determined not
to patch back. Just now, I saw J in my MSN. I nearly wanted to
message her to ask how she is. I stopped myself in time. I dont
want to return to square one. I think both of us will be happier
without each other.
But I cant help being worried about J. Will she be okay? Can she
cope with the break-up? Will she be able to move on in her life? Is
she okay without me? Is she crying now? Will another man come along
in the future and made her miserable? I wanted so much to protect J
and give her happiness but I only gave her tears and misery.
Well, J is offline now. I hope she is sleeping and having sweet
dreams. I can only wish that J is happy from now on, without me in
her life. 3 years is a long time. I wouldnt be able to forget
her.
Wish you happiness J. Im sorry I cant give you that now.
