Yesterday, I met with my mum who had moved away from me since
June 2012 because my parents had divorced. She's renting a room in
Sengkang [she doesn't have a house]. She's lowly-educated and a
low-income Singaporean. I talked to her for an hour, and I do
realised that life is going to get very very hard for her, given
that she is using her muscles not brains for work, and the
Singapore government policy [ 6.9 million policy] brings in a lot
of cheap foriegners. I begin to wonder how is she going to live her
old age [well obviously she is dependent on me, fillial piety lah],
where is she going to live and wonder if she's going to end up like
those auntie picking cans from the trash just to make ends meet.
Well people still want to hire younger, stronger and cheaper
workers eh?
I am a very responsible person, I do want to take care of her.
But I just don't know how.
The stituation here is that both of my parents have divorced and
are seperated. I know from the bottom of my heart and my logic that
they hate each other so much that they will never ever get back
together. That spells trouble for me. That means that despite the
ever-rising HDB I have to get a house for both of them. I cannot
leave my mum homeless if she's unable to work later [and she can't
move into my Dad's apartment] and my Dad is working so hard for the
family surivival, food on the table and I cannot neglect his
well-being, I would need to upgrade his life and let him age
gracefully. Because of my parent's mistake of getting married, and
having sex to give birth to me, followed by both of them divorcing,
I am born. I am responsible to them. FML.
My future is so bleak that I don't look forward to anything
ahead. I may be 15-years-old but I am really terrified of my
future.
My actual dream is to become a journalist but the press freedom
here in Singapore sucks and we only have SPH. The entertainment
industry in other countries is dying as well [i am not someone who
is into medicine, computers...etc ] Being a journalist don't bring
much money home and now I thinking of becoming a lawyer. Now, my
grades sucks so much [i am making progess] that it seems to me that
becoming a lawyer is impossible and the competition I faced is
intense. People with richer parents have better resources,
connections to start in life, and they wouldn't have to worry about
university debt and some can even drive a car. I am not complaining
about the struggles I will face in pursuing education, but the
unfairness life had posed for me. Life will never be fair to me. I
will accept the fact.
Frankly speaking I think that life as a lawyer will sucks. But
at least it is about humanities and understanding people, huh? A
law degree will be a big help in my life if I want to enter the
government sector, and I will probably need to be a scholar to get
a house for my mum, and another for my Dad. I have so much anxiety
for my future that at some point in my life, I want to die.
Singapore sucks [the world sucks]. Income inequality is becoming
bigger and bigger and the rich, gets richer and the poor get fucked
over and over. I am living in poverty [single-parent household] and
there's huge inflation in Singapore. I once board a taxi which
drove for 2.1 km and it cost me $9.50. It was in the morning and my
teacher called the cab for me because I was sick that they are
afraid that I will faint on my way home. So I have the booking and
the morning peak hour surcharge.
I don't want to get married ever. I have no resources for that
shit. Don't blame me for the decling birthrate which became the
reason for the government to bring in more foriegners causing the
"extinction of singaporeans". Just look at how expensive housing is
and how long is the HDB loan. Like what I said before, I need a
house for BOTH of them. So FML. Fuck the birthrate and the stupid
singaporean fairytale shit. I don't care if I get infertile if I
don't give birth by age 24. All this meant that I don't want to get
into a relationship forever. Relationships either end in break-up
or marriage. And marriage = chance of children. FML. I also do not
want to delude myself into having children so that they will care
for me when I get old. I don't want them to live the same life as
me, thinking that my mother loves me unconditionally, but rather
out of obligation that I could support her at old. I recalled that
they told me that was my purpose for being born.
Oh, on another confession I have NF1. An inherited genetic
condition which is not my fault.. Neurofibromatosis type I (NF-1)
is a tumor disorder that is caused by the mutation of a gene on
chromosome 17 that is responsible for control of cell division.
NF-1 causes tumors along the nervous system. NF-1 often comes with
scoliosis (curvature of the spine), learning difficulties, eye
problems, and epilepsy. Do you see?I developed fucking ugly and
sometimes fatal tumors. I am probably going to have a very bad
health if I develop the complictations and healthcare in Singapore
is fucking expensive. FML. I need that law degree for my
medical care.
Why is my future looking so bleak? I don't want to live, but I
don't want to die either.