For most couple after marry will have a happy married life but
not mine. Really regret with this married but what can I do, I
can’t turn back time. I feel like what happen to me is unfair. Now
I really need an opinion about what I have done. But you need to
take time to read my long story to understand what happen to
us.
I was being introduce by my brother in law sister to her friend.
This guy is a fatty guy and not handsome but they told me he is
really a good guy, hard working, can say a success business man
(since he own a big house at spore), and very respect to parents.
After meet once, he start to message me and then call me, and we
become close friend.
For me, live until age thirty haven’t marry still ok but above
that become a worry for me and my parents too. I scare to start a
relationship, afraid being cheat or they just want to have fun.
Hear and saw unhappy married life make me scare too.
Many friends and relative shock after know that my husband so
fat. He is more than double of my weight. And many may think that I
want him because he is rich, own big house. I can’t stop them. For
me, as long as he is a good guy, don’t like drink, don’t like
gambling, hard working, responsible, respect and can take care of
me. Its already enough, no one is perfect in this world. I as women
also have to understand myself. If he is better than that then will
be good.
Everything goes well. He show me that he and his family
relationship good. He and his family all also very good to me and
my family but now no more.
After married, I just known that husband is a gambler. He and
his family relation is actually no good. Maybe his father want him
to faster get married because his father also already give up of
him. His father then told me that his son have been banded from
spore casino. Can u all imagine what will u respond when u hear
this? This is really a cheat to me start from the time we known
each other.
On the fifth day after married, he told me he have meeting so go
out very early around 7 o’clock. The next day also the same told me
he have meeting. Then on weekend he told me his friend have a
resort at Batam and ask me to go with him so we go. At ferry he
just told me that actually we are going to ship casino. I don’t
know why he have to bring me there, have to let me saw he
gambling.
On the 12th day after married, again he told me have meeting.
This time I already feel something wrong with him. At noon I try to
call him but no answer, then his office girl call me ask where is
he? They said they can’t contact him that’s why ask me. Until night
he still not come back home, I can’t contact him and his father
(that time his father is on travel) I don’t know he go gambling or
got car accident. Nothing I can do except crying. I don’t know what
mistake I have done so he leave me like that. Then I call my
parents and let my parents know what had happen.
My parents then call my brother in law sister ask her are they
known this guy well? Are they known whether he like gambling or
not? And the answer my father get is they are friends but they not
24 hours together.
At around 11 or 12 o’clock I just got message from husband told
me that he is ok ask me don’t have to worry, he just miss the ferry
and will only came back the next morning. At this time suicide
really come to my mind.
The reason for gambling is because he have spend a lot for a
wedding dinner party at 5 star hotel. I never ask him for those lux
party, why he have to spend it he not afford. What can I do is only
forgive him and give him a chance. And I told him that when his
father back from traveling, I have to let him know this. He beg me
not to do so and I said sorry I have to for ur good. And when I
told his father, I heard a lot of bad habits about him from his
father. Its really a very complicate, need a lot of time to explain
it. Father said his son bad things and son told me his father bad
things. For me I don’t care and don’t want to get involved in their
family problem. As long as husband is a good guy, responsible,
respect and can take care of me is already enough to me. He call my
parents ask for apologize of what he have done. Apologize is
accepted.
Again after one month married, on our first anniversary of
proposing date. He told me that he feel no good and need to have a
rest so we cancel go out for celebrating. Suddenly at night he told
me he have to go out, go fish port. I just trust him, he go out
until the next morning around 11 o’clock just came back. In the
morning his father told me that I have been cheat by husband again.
Where got people go fish port until this time ( its around 9
o’clock) haven’t came back? I just keep quite have no answer
because I also don’t know well anything about singapore (I am a
foreigner). From that I starting to check what he did, his phone,
follow him where ever he go ( as suggest from his father too). I do
all this for his good too, although he might feel annoying. During
the time going out/ follow him, I found out that he seldom want to
care of his job, seldom want to stay at office. When I ask, he told
me now business is low so what for stay at office, must go out look
for order. And I never again. They we often go out visit his
friends, meet up with his friend, pay his gambling debts and
sometimes meet client.
Again, he told me that he want to meet friend and because I also
have to do house thing then I can’t follow him. After 11 o’clock
night haven’t come back,call him he said he is at his food store.
At 12 o’clock haven’t come back, 2 o’clock haven’t come back, call
him many time but he no answer my call then at 4 o’clock morning I
ask his sister bring me to his food store and I can find he or his
car at there. His sister then send me back home. Again what can I
do is only cry, it is not possible to wake up his father and let
his father known. I feel really sad, wanna commit suicide, but I
still love my parents and I remember my parents told me no matter
what happen to you, here is still your home, you have parents,
don’t do stupid things, you can come back anytime.
In the morning, his father knock my door ask me am I ok and ask
me to go down have breakfast. In this situation where got mood to
eat. I just stay at my room never let my parents know, then his
father ask my brother in law sister come to pick me. I don’t want,
I don’t them to get involved in this problem anymore since they
said they are not 24hour with him, say this married is because we
decide not forcing by them, they are just introduce. I also don’t
know why my father in law have to do this, ask me to leave house is
not a good solution for me. But then although I already said I
don’t want to go with them, they still come. For me, at spore they
are the closest friend/ family I have. They already come want to
help me why I reject them, it is no good. So I follow them go their
house and stay there for few days until my parents come.
My parents then come with me to meet father in law ask what is
actually happen, why things become like that. Then father in law
said he fell so sorry to me and my parents for this case, say he
know his son have many debts outside and he owe spore Along too.
And ask my parents don’t help to clear his son debts. I don’t know
it is true or not because he never told me and always don’t want to
share with me his problem. At that time, he come back home and sit
together with us, say sorry to my parents.
We then sit together with his friend without his father, discuss
how to solve his debts problem since he told us he have such big
debts outside. The only way is he have to sell his house, clear his
debts and move to smaller house and start everything new. Although
his father don’t like him to sell house, but no other way.
Starting from that, he and his father relation become worst.
They don’t talk to each other. Son don’t want to come back home
have dinner together as usual, don’t want go office. While father
in law almost everyday call me back home eat dinner together. Me in
the middle of them really hard , don’t know what to do will be
good.
Before my parents go back, I ask him to write what ever he
promise me in an agreement letter so everything in black in white
not just promise, apologize, forgive since he want to start his new
life. In agreement letter mention that he will let me manage his
financial, will give 30% of his reminding money after house sold,
after clear debts. And the rest will keep in bank with joint
account name. He promise to be truth and many more.
Hear husband have many debts and some more owe Along, he know I
don’t like he gambling he still bring me to casino, he starting
shout at me. Everyday follow him go out make me become scare of
him, dunno he will bring me to Along to clear his debts or not.
Stay at home scare Along come look for him and he not at home then
look for me how. I think a lot of all this thing. I don’t know this
will happen in spore or not but if in my country this will possibly
happen, Along can come to look for his wife.
Don’t know how he did until he become so pity, no money until
have to take from his coin box money for meals. When got money,
have to pay for debts. Maybe this condition make him become always
have bad mood. When I check his phone, who is he talking to, he
feel angry.
All this make me feel sad too. I think it will be better for
both of us if I go back my country until he settle his problem. He
can have less expend and can concentrate look for new job new
business to do. I also don’t have to be face his family faces since
they become unhappy with me too because I allow husband to sell
house to clear debts.
Then I told husband I will go back until everything settle,
leave him struggle him self.
Am I a bad wife?
All this is just unfair to me. What people can said is I bring
unlucky to their family, just joint their family and many thing
happen. While the truth are I have been cheat since from the
begining, before married. Husband already a gambler and have many
debts outside before we married. Husband already being warning many
time by his father about his gambling habit.
For forum readers (expecially girl), if you are me. What will u
do?
It is quite a
mess, but by now, you probably already have a decision in mind and
my guess is that you would probably stick with your thinking.
***
Your situation
has less to do with the state of your life/destiny/fate much more
than the quality of your choice. Initially, your pain of choice
constantly oscillates between two paranoia: the fear of being left
on the shelf and the fear of not marrying the 'right guy'. The
former obviously had stronger influence over you; hence, your
decision to marry him was largely made on a rational basis: (1) He
was recommended to possess values that are attractive to you, (2)
he appears to be financially sound, (3) he is available and is
interested in you.
Since your marital decision can be said to be largely based on
rationality (e.g. biological age is ticking, etc), your conclusion
would also likely mirror this beginning (e.g. I am leaving him
because I foresee little future, etc).
In some ways, the choice of marrying him does dissolve your
singlehood. However, your subconscious fear of not marrying the
'right guy' is beginning to roar into reality; the core of the
issue is not about the financial (although it is the presenting
symptoms), but is about being in a relationship with someone of
conflicting values. You wanted someone safe, predictable and
consistent: living in debts, gambling woes, unprofitable business
and lasting family conflicts basically promoted an opposite outcome
from your ideals.
Suicide is unnecessary; even the talk about getting part of the
money is superfluous. The question you might want to figure out is
your attitude towards a divorce circumstance - namely being a
divorcee. I want to stress that I not suggesting that divorce is
the way forward; I am merely asking you to expand your
consideration of choices beyond that of suicide - till such extend
of even questioning your personal belief of what divorce means to
you.
When you realized that you have choices (even unappealing ones),
suicide is unnecessary. 
***
The talk about
sticking with your husband during hardship is arduous for a union
accepted largely on rationality basis. Reasons alone - in a purist
sense - would mean that it is 'wiser' to leave before the house of
cards collapse on you (unless you hold strongly to the concept of
obligation or disallowing yourself a no-divorce situation). Those
that stick in bad times are usually those that have more love than
reasons to be hanging around. Emotional reasons, especially during
the dating phrase, are the major factors that cause our hearts to
skip a beat, tingling sensation in our feet, palpitation and red
flushes.
Hence, these are - again in a purist sense - a sense of
uncontrolled, uncalculated feeling towards another person.
Again, the morality of relationship needs to be removed from the
equation. What constitute a 'good wife' or a 'bad husband' matters
little other than the choice you decide to undertake after having
all the information about the person at hand. After all, many
people still end up divorcing a 'good wife' or being overly
attached to a 'bad husband' - therefore, 'good' or 'bad' labels are
poor reference for decision making in love.
P.S: Life isn't unfair to you; you can change the course of your
action, in which your destiny will alter likewise.
Just remember: two wrongs doesn't make one right.
Cheers
