Hmm.. lets see... Since primary 4, i've been suicidal and
looking at things in a negative way. The whole story of my life is
very long but u just need to know i kena a lot of shit. P4 to p6,
nervous every single day for little little things. Sec1 to sec2,
depressed and attempted suicide. Sec3, felt like a god and have
superpowers. sec4, which is now, depressed again.
And somehow, i ended up in the principal's office, and she told me
she recommends that i see a child psychiatrist.
How i ended up there..? I have been constant feeling depressed from
the start of sec4 until now and i couldn't stand it any longer so i
told the dean (AKA the person in charge of the whole sec4 cohort)
the whole story of my pathetic life. At first, he asked my form
teacher to talk to me. It didnt work so he asked counselors from
REACH to talk to me (yesterday i found out that the counselors were
sent by MOE, by request of the principal). And again, it didnt
work.
So, i was convincing the dean to just leave me alone because he's
not helping at all. And who knows that i suddenly emailed MOE about
some issues (the education system and teachers's attitude towards
students's emotional and mental wellbeing). I ended up in the vice
principal's office but luckily he said i did a good thing by
raising awareness of the issue.
But somehow i started doing things without knowing what im doing. I
threw paper balls at my teachers in their face and even spray water
at them with Nike water bottle. And when they asked to talk to me,
i said a whole lot of vulgarities and insulted them. Then once, i
put a bag over my head and pointed both my middle fingers. Right
now, i dont fully remember doing those things and the more i think
about it, the more unreal it seems. Now, it feels like the world is
fading away from me and i can barely continue typing. And my head
has been hurting since this morning.
Before i knew it, the school called me and said the principal
wished to see me.
There, in her office, she dropped the 'bomb' on me. SHE THINKS I
SHOULD SEE A PSYCHIATRIST!! AND SHE SAY I GOT HUGE MOOD SWINGS.
What????? U don't see me dressing up as a clown and laughing like
crazy and then suddenly take a chopper and starts chopping everyone
right???
Apparently, there are different stages of help. 1. teachers 2.
school counselors 3. REACH counselors/ MOE counselors 4.
Psychiatrist 5. Mental hospital (i think)
So, I went through number 1, skipped number 2 and jumped to number
3, and now they want me to go to number 4. It seems that the only
reason i am able to skip number 2 is because i told the dean i've
already been through 10+++ useless counseling sessions.
The good thing is, the principal say she wont force me to see a
psychiatrist if i dont want to.
But here's the thing.
I'm not sure if the teachers will leave me alone after this. I know
i was the one who seek help first. But now I seriously just want to
be left alone. I wanted help, but not such a serious help. The
moment the dean told me he has booked professional counselors from
REACH to counsel me, I already want to back out liao. Which idiot
will actually willingly see a professional counselor and
psychiatrist? The thing i really hate about it is the fact that I
will be seen as crazy. I'm fine. I'm normal. I'm not gonna let
anyone think of me as crazy.
But my emotions and actions are not something i can control. If i
can control it, i wouldn't be here typing this thing. Even if the
teachers somehow promise to leave me alone, I know that i will
somehow do something that will give the teachers a chance to label
me as crazy. Gosh, i think the principal had a talk with ALL my
teachers, asking how i behave in class.
I dunno what to do now. I don't want to see a psychiatrist or a
counselor and take whatever stupid medicine, but at the same time,
these stupid overwhelming feelings of mine wouldn't go away. I'm
totally not gonna see a psychiatrist, not unless they drag me
there. So what should I do now? It's impossible for the teachers to
completely leave me alone. How can they leave me alone? Me, student
who got recommended to see a psychiatrist by the school
PRINCIPAL.
Any suggestion, help, opinion will be helpful. But please, no mean
or cruel remarks.
I do not believe or think im crazy. but i am aware that others see
me as crazy.
Seek spiritual help, seek solace in religions. It might help. It
depends on which religion you believe in. Anything but don't look
for mediums.
