Today I had another quarrel with my dad. The feeling is so
bad that I had to find a way to vent my anger and sadness. Guess
one way is to pen this down.
Since young, my dad don’t bother to take care of mum,
brother and me. We had been staying with grandma and taken care of
by grandma since we were born till the age of 12. It was then that
we were seen as old enough to work that we were brought back to
stay with dad. Since then we were forced to work in dad’s shop and
earn our own living. Working after school till 8pm and earning a
tiny $3 a day. Dad was never in the shop to help out, only
collecting money at end of the day. My days only got better when I
got fed up and signed up with the SAF’s at the age of 16. My dad
did not want to pay for my school fee and therefore I had no choice
but to seek SAF’s sponsorship for my diploma and earning a monthly
allowance at the same time.
Feeling grateful of what SAF had provided me, I worked
hard in the SAF and was promoted along the way. Things got even
better when I was given the opportunity to study in UK.
During my studies, I read a lot of Buddhist teachings
which always remind to be forgiving and providing for your parents.
Even though I kind of hated my dad, I still believe that I should
provide for my parents with what I can afford. So I suggested
having our whole family pool our savings together (Bro, me and dad
each paying 33.33%) to purchase a condo and the rental will be
given to mum and dad. Dad readily took up the offer, we purchased
the condo, but he took the entire rental without sharing with mum.
Know his greedy nature, we just let him be.
Years passed and I returned to Singapore. I found my true
love in UK and we were preparing to get married. The condo had
appreciated more than $200k and I suggested to sell the condo at
this high price to share the profit and thereafter we can buy again
when the economy goes down again. But dad do not bother with my
wedding, he is more concerned with losing the rental then sharing
the profits first and helping me in my wedding. His reason in not
selling, he did not take good care of us since young and he can
trust no one in the world to provide for him!
Mum was so angry with him that she silently told me that
she will help me with her $30k of private savings. But this was
found out by dad when he saw mum’s messages in my phone.
After much quarreling, he suddenly agreed to loan me 60k
(of which he took mum’s $30k and claimed as his own) and that I
have to return the entire 60k to his own account. To this, mum and
I conceded.
Days passed and (for 5 months) almost every fortnights dad
would ask on when will the 60k be returned or that I need to buy
new household item like washing machines, pay bills for
him.
Today, 10 Dec 2011, he got worst! He actually asked me to
take the maximum cash-out housing loan to repay him the 60k (of
which 30k is not his) and the rest must be kept by him for his
personal purchase of shop house and more rental for himself! The
reason being he needs to look after himself and there are so many
news saying children are not taking care of their
parents!
But thinking aloud myself, did dad ever treat us as his
children?
-The sorrow one
No, you and your brother are only by-products of his sexual
pleasures with your mother.
Family relationship is a two way street.
He don't give a shit about you, you shouldn't have given shits
about him.
Yes he is your father, he is also a human being.
From the get go, you and your family had been enabling his
behavior. For whatever reason, I don't know.
Maybe you are hoping he will pass on his shop/business to you
when he is old ? He is obviously capable of making his own money
and taking care of himself.
Does your father has another family outside ? Maybe he
keeps the money to feed another set of mouth ?
Whatever you wish to do, as long as you are not putting everyone
in financial jeopardy, you should be able to go ahead and do what
you wish.
As for the condo, get him to buy your share out.. after that,
you can wash you hands of him and let him rot in peace.
Your father is not stupid . He is well aware he had not been a
pious father .. so he cannot expect his sons to be filial to him
back.
On filial piety, not a sided thing...note : Love cannot be
forced and respect is earned.
"Essentially, filial piety is one of the “right relationships” for which
Confucius advocated. The definition includes the responsibility of
each person to respect their parents, obey them, take care of them
as they age, advise parents, and of course to love them. Loving
one’s parents and offering them respect is the spring from which
other forms of filial piety flows. A relationship with parents must be centered
on love and respect.
This does not mean that children always obey. In fact some
schools of Confucian and Buddhist thought feel the adult child must
point out the parent’s mistakes and help to teach them. Confucius
often emphasized the circuitous relationship of
life. When the child is young, the parent is strong,
preeminent and due all respect. When the child is an adult he or
she must take the place of the parent and lead the family."