Dear all,
The boyfriend is someone who is insecure about himself, he has
no confidence due to a defect on his face since young so he's
always "behind the scenes" and not fond of conversations. I am his
first girlfriend, probably the longest to date. Dated him since i
was 17, both of us are 24yrs old. I am always
there since day 1 to tell him he looks good today, to constantly
make him feel good about himself, to be there for him and tell him
to learn to speak up and e defect is nothing but a god's gift for
him but in return, he make me feel worthless. 7 years and very
worthless.
His problem: Since day 1 he has been trying to change me, change
the way i wear, talk me into putting make up, hinting me to start
wearing heels, asking me to stop wearing tshirts n more blouse and
i did all he wanted, i was a new me, secondary school friends all
thought i "bloom" but in fact i was just another person.
I am someone who never really give a thought about how people
look at me, how people thought of me but he is the complete
opposite. I thought maybe because of e "defect" it affected so much
on how people look and thought of him. This im fine with it, i
changed, i am different now because of love.
2nd year in our relationship: He started calling me fat, at
first it was all jokes but it went from "haha fatty" to "please
stop eating rice/no cakes/no ice cream". I am 158m, 48kg and yes, i
am not skinny but i know i am not fat. It got out of hand, he
didn't allow me to take lunch n force me to sleep through breakfast
and most of the days i only am allowed to have dinner with him. We
fought so much because of this issue and from then on...i
changed.
My problem: I was never a angry kid, i have little fights here n
there but never a physical one. I curse n swear like a sailor when
i am beyond mad but that draws the line. Today i am someone who
fights like a street gangster, i roll up my first and throw
punches. I no longer find a need to reason out with The Bf, i used
to cry, walk away from him or just plenty of shouting match but now
i hit him. I HIT HIM. I did not even notice i was so abusive but i
know im being push to e edge.
I love him with all my heart but whenever he push it too far i
will slap, throw punches and kick n swear. I hurt him physically n
mentally but i feel that he deserve it, i always feel that i don't
deserve a guy who treats me good only when i look skinny/pretty
today. So whenever i wear something that makes me look fat he will
go all out and "suan" me and he won't even want to hold my hand or
have proper conversation with me.
I don't know what to do anymore, everytime i physically hurt him
ill cry so hard for e whole day while he will just walk out of e
room n not come in till hours later. We both do not want this r/s
to end but he told me it's very hard for him to change. I tried to
leave but 7 years is not short, we had our good times together n i
am so dependent on him. He is my bestfriend, my shopping kaki, my
holiday kaki but i cannot accept that fact that i am with someone
who constantly wants to change me.
Just yesterday we fought so badly, he pissed me off so bad that
i just walk towards him and slap him but he even push it futher and
we started pushing n shoving each other. At one point i even
started to strangle him and all he could do is to hug me
so that i wont be able to hit him but i manage to gave him 2
punches to his face and he started bleeding. I am so depressed till
now, yes i feel terrible, i hate myself so much.
Recently, our circle of close friends started talking about
applying for HDB eg. settling down. i asked him if he would want to
settle down with me and all he said was "no, i can't marry a girl
who uses her fist on me" and my reply was "same here, i don't
think i can ever marry one who never truly love me for e way i am"
even though deep inside i am broken, his words caught me off
guard.
I want to end this all but i can't leave him, i thought of
suicide, i thought of many ways to die the whole night and even
now. suicide is never an option but it's been in my head so much
now. I am no longer happy. I even drafted a goodbye note to him
asking him to never treat his next girlfriend/wife the way he
treated me, i will be that expensive lesson he will get.
This is e last straw, i am not sure how long more can i take
it.
The defect is a God's gift to him ??? Who are you kidding girl
?
You think he is that stupid to believe you ?? Gosh.. you have no
idea.
Quit patronising him, what he needs is respect..NOT pity !
Don't you get it ? He is using emotional abuse on you because of
his own insecurities.
He puts you down.. hurting your self-esteem.. so that you will
never think you are too good for him.
Nothing you do will ever be good enough for him.
Walk away.. before he plunge you into the abyss of
depression.
He's a foolish guy.. and you clinging on to him ENABLES his
behavior.
If he loves you.. he won't be hurting you.
Since he believes he doesn't deserve you.. then go find someone
else who does !
