Dear all,
The boyfriend is someone who is insecure about himself, he has
no confidence due to a defect on his face since young so he's
always "behind the scenes" and not fond of conversations. I am his
first girlfriend, probably the longest to date. Dated him since i
was 17, both of us are 24yrs old. I am always
there since day 1 to tell him he looks good today, to constantly
make him feel good about himself, to be there for him and tell him
to learn to speak up and e defect is nothing but a god's gift for
him but in return, he make me feel worthless. 7 years and very
worthless.
His problem: Since day 1 he has been trying to change me, change
the way i wear, talk me into putting make up, hinting me to start
wearing heels, asking me to stop wearing tshirts n more blouse and
i did all he wanted, i was a new me, secondary school friends all
thought i "bloom" but in fact i was just another person.
I am someone who never really give a thought about how people
look at me, how people thought of me but he is the complete
opposite. I thought maybe because of e "defect" it affected so much
on how people look and thought of him. This im fine with it, i
changed, i am different now because of love.
2nd year in our relationship: He started calling me fat, at
first it was all jokes but it went from "haha fatty" to "please
stop eating rice/no cakes/no ice cream". I am 158m, 48kg and yes, i
am not skinny but i know i am not fat. It got out of hand, he
didn't allow me to take lunch n force me to sleep through breakfast
and most of the days i only am allowed to have dinner with him. We
fought so much because of this issue and from then on...i
changed.
My problem: I was never a angry kid, i have little fights here n
there but never a physical one. I curse n swear like a sailor when
i am beyond mad but that draws the line. Today i am someone who
fights like a street gangster, i roll up my first and throw
punches. I no longer find a need to reason out with The Bf, i used
to cry, walk away from him or just plenty of shouting match but now
i hit him. I HIT HIM. I did not even notice i was so abusive but i
know im being push to e edge.
I love him with all my heart but whenever he push it too far i
will slap, throw punches and kick n swear. I hurt him physically n
mentally but i feel that he deserve it, i always feel that i don't
deserve a guy who treats me good only when i look skinny/pretty
today. So whenever i wear something that makes me look fat he will
go all out and "suan" me and he won't even want to hold my hand or
have proper conversation with me.
I don't know what to do anymore, everytime i physically hurt him
ill cry so hard for e whole day while he will just walk out of e
room n not come in till hours later. We both do not want this r/s
to end but he told me it's very hard for him to change. I tried to
leave but 7 years is not short, we had our good times together n i
am so dependent on him. He is my bestfriend, my shopping kaki, my
holiday kaki but i cannot accept that fact that i am with someone
who constantly wants to change me.
Just yesterday we fought so badly, he pissed me off so bad that
i just walk towards him and slap him but he even push it futher and
we started pushing n shoving each other. At one point i even
started to strangle him and all he could do is to hug me
so that i wont be able to hit him but i manage to gave him 2
punches to his face and he started bleeding. I am so depressed till
now, yes i feel terrible, i hate myself so much.
Recently, our circle of close friends started talking about
applying for HDB eg. settling down. i asked him if he would want to
settle down with me and all he said was "no, i can't marry a girl
who uses her fist on me" and my reply was "same here, i don't
think i can ever marry one who never truly love me for e way i am"
even though deep inside i am broken, his words caught me off
guard.
I want to end this all but i can't leave him, i thought of
suicide, i thought of many ways to die the whole night and even
now. suicide is never an option but it's been in my head so much
now. I am no longer happy. I even drafted a goodbye note to him
asking him to never treat his next girlfriend/wife the way he
treated me, i will be that expensive lesson he will get.
This is e last straw, i am not sure how long more can i take
it.
You r 148 m tall n u only weigh 48kg? He say u r fat? U gotta be
so damn skinny like hair thin. U know how tall is 148m ?
My two cents, first, you got a real temper problem. No matter
how he hurt ur feelings, u should never hit another person.
Second, if you want to break up, then go for it. You're not
happy anyway. Its better u break up now then end up in a
divorce, or worse divorcee with kids and husband don't want to pay
alimony.
Third, just because you have a seven year relationship does not
mean you both are going to be happily married. I've met friends who
only met for 1.5 years and got married - even more happy than those
dating for 7 years.