Being a divorcee in Singapore

last SG · 2010-12-30T11:41:28+00:00

.............i couldn't agree more with my toes laughing

russiabear SG

@russiabear: Back to your previous comment once again. You're saying that it isn't advisable for me to disclose my status right at the start. But then, he wouldn't bring me home to see his parents right at the start too, right? Sure, I can understand that there is this..stigma..when you know that the guy or girl has been divorced before. It kinda prevents you from getting to know him or her better. That is why it is better to only disclose that part of yourself until later. Hmm...what's your take on this then?

And most of you guys say that it wouldn't be a problem...would you yourself then even consider a girl who has been divorced before? I don't mean anything personally, just want to know how people really think, if they encounter such a situation.

ok. basic guy (and mine) perception is this:

stage 1: see pretty girl, go for her.

stage 2: identify status of girl. if single, good. if divorced, check if got kids, otherwise it's free sex (since divorced sure not virgin)

your response to stage 2 : single

if you dont say you are divorced, you are basically a single girl to guys. so there is no stigma. and the r/s progresses.

at some point, status is revealed. if you already have sex with him, then it probably isnt an issue to him. if you havent then he will feel cheated - he could have had sex with you from day1 but didnt cos he 'respected' you. this can turn messy in the future.

your response to stage 2: divorced

if you identify your status upfront, he can choose to abort or continue (on the basis that he will probably get free sex without commitment from day1). my advice is not to have sex just cos of mutual attraction, if u are looking for LTR. if he chooses to continue even though u are divorced but not going to have sex with him anytime soon, min. 6 months, he is likely to be a keeper.

more later if u interested to ask more...

shrekho SG

The way some dudes post things here just describe one thing: local singaporean male are obnoxious and boarish with no sense of self improvement.

Anyway to TS, everyone has a past, good or bad. I went thru some bad times and bad patches, and so did my other half. Important value is the past is over. You cannot turn back the time, but you can cherish the present walk towards the future.

No matter what type of past, as long as he really loves you, he will find a way out. Parents values wise, as long the son is determined enough, I don't see why he cannot convince them. At least I did. :)

Julian.khor SG

This is my situation:

I'm a Singaporean girl in my mid 20s who have been living and working in Europe for many years. I married and divorced at a very young age. I am once again, looking for a serious relationship that I can form a family with and I would prefer to consider an Asian man, preferbly with a Singaporean as I am looking forward to settle down back home.

I only have one relationship in my life but I've gone on casual dates with a couple of native Chinese expatriates (by native Chinese, I mean PRCs but I find that term discriminating). I don't mind settling down in China since it's nearer to home as compared to Europe or the States but I think I would prefer Singapore ;-) I don't have many friends or relatives in Singapore and neither do I have Singaporean friends overseas. However, I would like to return home to settle down once I find a good job in Singapore which shouldn't be a big problem I believe.

My question is would Singaporean men mind a Singaporean girl who has been divorced before? Is there even the slighest problem with the issue of being a divorcee in Singapore? I was married overseas and never held any traditional wedding ceremony. Of course if I am in a stable relationship, I will tell the guy about my divorced status, but is it advisable to keep my status as "single" once I'm back home?

(Disclaimer: This isn't an advertistment, I just want to find out about the local situation.)

I don't mind. Just out of curiosity, who initiated divorce? You or the husband?

When I say I don't mind, I mean I don't mind dating you. But when come to marriage, you got to be serious and make sure want to work thing out, not take the easy way out.

I know one fren, he divorce one time also when very young, early 20, but when he go into second marriage, he not happy, same prob again, then he think of easy way out bcause he done before, divorce again at 31. Then at 35 divorce again. Recently 41 marry again.

I am not generalising, but some people who divorce tend to think it is ok to divorce again. I only say that when dating somebody to consider carefully before making decision or else take marriage for granted.

Veggie Bao SG

Dont keep anything as secret especially something as big as a marriage/ divorce......because eventually one way or another he will find out and when he does, it will be a shock especially since you have been hiding that fact. That will make u look bad and untrustworthy.

Best policy is just to be upfront.

Regarding whether it would affect ur chances or not,

Honestly,

It would.

But maybe it is just one of the factors.....other factors like looks, personality, career, etc, also matter, so dont be too discouraged.

Well at least you dont have any children yet.

I believe it is still possible.

But try to see whether you yourself would be willing to enlarge your own choices, meaning.....you should also consider other male divorcees......

mistyblue SG

TS do you mind disclosing why you divorced?

For the guys who find that local girls are blah because of some issue, those might be your sisters, cousin, friends. Everything goes both ways, negative attitude don't make anything better.

mistyblue SG

I think if you really want to get a real relationship built on trust, being truthful is important

Fcukpap SG

perhaps ur ex was a caucasian and now u prefer an asian....

watever the case, be forthright about your situation....i dun think any right minded guys would mind if love is what they are pursuing...

the only concern for Sg men is the MATERIALISTIC TEST

Laverne SG

@Julian.khor: Hmm...Divorce is definitely not a runaway-solution. But sometimes we don't have a choice, people make mistakes in life. If you mean dating as in a steady, long term relationship between a couple, yet it is a r/ship that does not have a plan for marriage at all, then I wouldn't even get into such a r/ship in the first place. I am looking to form a family back home in Singapore, not for random romances (there are tons of chances out here in Europe for such romances, but I am not in my teens).

@Veggie Bao: There are different ways of picking your partner, i.e. through sifting out choices because it's time to get married and form a family, or through love. If a very eligible man/woman is gonna pick a woman/man by listing them in an excel sheet and comparing their qualities, then I think being a divorcee is definitely something that would make him/her cross the person out ;-) At least that is the case for some Asian countries like China. I'm not sure about Singapore. But if you're speaking of true love...I think being divorced without children wouldn't really come into question then. Hence I was wondering, how much do Singaporeans actually mind a divorced status.

@shrekho,mistyblue and Fcukpap: Yep and thanks :-)

russiabear SG

@russiabear: About virginity - as I've been out of Singapore for a long time, I wonder if Singapore is still conservative about that issue. I always believe we are, although the rest of Asia have already forsaken that idea. It isn't about reputation, it is about self-respect and virtue. I think a girl should cherish herself regardless of her past, i.e. divorced or not, a virgin or not, she should not easily give herself in to a guy unless she knows that he will be responsible towards her. Despite what the other Asians have told me, I still believe that being a non-virgin out of a failed marriage is an understandable issue, but being a non-virgin for someone who has not been married might be questionable This is really subjective though, perhaps I'm just conservative because up till now, no one has agreed with me. If I have to be honest, one of the reasons why I married so young was because of such an issue. That is why I have never regretted marrying him, he truly loves me and wants to be responsible towards me. My ex is a very good person. Nonetheless it was perhaps a mistake to be together, that was why it led to a divorce eventually. So if virginity is an issue with regards to my status as a divorcee, I think this wouldn't be something that I have to dispute about. Like I said, it isn't about reputation. It's just self-respect and a virtue. As to whether I'll go to bed with a guy early in the relationship, obviously I wouldn't and wouldn't recommend other girls to do that when they are still fresh in a relationship.

about virginity, the world hasnt changed much. those who say they dont mind, oso dont mind multiple partners, and lack the integrity to hold on to a r/s (less motivation to work at it)

virginity is still a man's world. nuff said

about divorce and single status for marriage. it's the norm to want to have the better deal in the marriage. hence old rich man, young virgin (or pretty) girl. so for a family of a single man to marry a divorcee, even without kids, it is pretty tough. unless the family is open. fair trade and stuff like that, even if never said openly.

Laverne SG

about virginity, the world hasnt changed much. those who say they dont mind, oso dont mind multiple partners, and lack the integrity to hold on to a r/s (less motivation to work at it)

virginity is still a man's world. nuff said

I agree that regarding the issue of a girl's virginity, we're debating in a man's world. I am conversative too. In reality, most Asian men actually do mind. It's just that most people in other parts of Asia also no longer expects their wife to be a virgin, unless she is their university sweetheart. I am not sure about Singapore now, but during my younger days back in Singapore, most still do expect their wife to be one. Actually I can understand the other asians. Unlike Singapore, the other asian countries are huge and their cities can be hundreds of km apart. The singles do not live with their parents, they have their own apartments or student hostels. When living alone outside, many singles tend to be less disciplined.

My point about virginity was that, it will not be a topic I will bother to dispute about if someone uses that against my divorced status. This is because this isn't something I have to hide, i.e. it isn't an affair or it isn't that I slept around randomly while being young and single. I was married. Chasity isn't about reputation, it's about virtue and self-respect.

As to being divorced and not divorced, sure "unmarried" is definitely a better "deal", if a "deal" is what a person is looking for in a marriage. A more educated wife or a prettier wife also makes a better "deal" for a partner, doesn't it? See my comment to Veggie Bao about listing potential partners in an excel sheet. It's just a matter of, how much Singaporeans in general, mind a divorced status. What I would like to know is that in Singapore's society, is this something that most would definitely not accept, or it is just something that would make them waver when considering a serious relationship with her?

the Bear SG

i always try to look at the bright side of things..

now with your status, you will immediately sieve out those you will have problems later in life if you ended up with them... just look at some of those who posted here and you have a glaring example of those who should never be allowed to breed

Kirin_Rider SG

As to being divorced and not divorced, sure "unmarried" is definitely a better "deal", if a "deal" is what a person is looking for in a marriage. A more educated wife or a prettier wife also makes a better "deal" for a partner, doesn't it? See my comment to Veggie Bao about listing potential partners in an excel sheet. It's just a matter of, how much Singaporeans in general, mind a divorced status. Is it something that most would definitely not accept, or it is just something that would make them waver when considering a serious relationship with her.

You are not gonna like what i say but you can try promoting yourself as much as possible here but your few paragraphs of self beliefs isnt gonna change the mindsets that has already been deeply instilled into most asian's minds. Fact is, you are used. The only realistic thing to do is to find another guy whom is also a divorcee, talk is cheap. Sure everyone can be an angel here but when it comes to the real thing and thats to marry a divorcee, heaven can become hell. Things like how the family, friends and relatives think or pressure will start coming in and its highly unlikely that you will succeed in your quest unless you are very confident that you have something that every men sought after. Otherwise if you are no more or less different from every other woman, i can tell you your chance is close to zero.

the Bear SG

i rest my case about those you will be able to sieve out immediately..

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

elindra SG

Wow, being divorced is the end of the world to you. Last I checked, it’s 2011 tomorrow and you seem to be stuck in time.

Funny, a lot of my guy friends who got married and are still happily married are married to women who were divorced

It’s not like they are “damaged goods” It’s just that in a relationship it takes 2 hands to clap and it just didn’t work out the 1^st time for them.

Marrying someone who has not been married before does not mean you will be married happily ever after or that your wife to be is a virgin.

I bet some single women have more sex partners than a divorcee

angel7030 SG

Bear out, we call the next witness to the stand in the afternoon, court adjourn....all stand!!

angel7030 SG

Wow, being divorced is the end of the world to you. Last I checked, it’s 2011 tomorrow and you seem to be stuck in time.

Funny, a lot of my guy friends who got married and are still happily married are married to women who were divorced

It’s not like they are “damaged goods” It’s just that in a relationship it takes 2 hands to clap and it just didn’t work out the 1^st time for them.

Marrying someone who has not been married before does not mean you will be married happily ever after or that your wife to be is a virgin.

I bet some single women have more sex partners than a divorcee

yalor, in fact, those men also, before marrying us, all also dunno lost their virginity long long ago liao...wa lau, what so shame about losing virginity, can sew back by surgery mah, then come back and be virgin again. Divorce rates are increasing and marriage rate is decreasing, some people like my Uncle, married just to get a HDB house, but never live together, each goes on each own life, rent out HDB for 5 or 10 years, later, sell, both earned and share and then, divorce, marrying in singapore can also make money ok.

maxsee SG

Marrying will only make money if ure poor and not so well off, the concept of buying HDB just might work......u try getting married if u have a net worth running in the millions of dollars....just the thought of having to lose out million of dollars once the divorce is finalized give me the creep...better to swing around everyday....><"

angel7030 SG

ya i love guys who swing alot,....can make money out of them

maxsee SG

Aiyah how much $$$ can one girl make once the all impt SEX is gotten before u swing to another girl......at least much better to lose all the a single gal....><"

Laverne SG

Fact is, you are used.

Marrying someone who has not been married before does not mean that your wife to be is a virgin.

I bet some single women have more sex partners than a divorcee

Elindra has my reply.

Anyway, I think there's no need to dispute against mindset about divorcees if it's really just about "virginity". Like I've said, virginity isn't about reputation.

As to family and society pressure the guy might face, this could be an issue. That is also a reason why I don't think I should disclose my status to anyone except to the one I'll re-marry.

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