Married but thinking of another man

soul_rage SG

Personal details?!

From just what you said, I know in a second that you don't have the slightest handle over the extent of our interaction or entanglements with each other over the past 8 - 9 yrs.

So what is it you want us to do?

To tell you that you are right in thinking about another man, and to divorce your hubby to go with something that is purely mostly daydreaming?

If that's what you want us to say, then you have your mind made up. You want to end your own marriage. And you want us to validate your actions.

Know this though. Each person is responsible for his/her choices and the consequences that come with it.

Arapahoe SG

yeah she is asking for acknowledgement to have an affair.........

Hugh Hefner SG

I've been married for over one and a half years. My husband's posted overseas for work slightly over 3 months ago. There is another 4 months to go.

I'm not sure but highly suspect that its due to my loneliness, that I recently found myself thinking of a man who had chosen to depart from my life and discontinue our unusual and illicit relationship, after I told him that my then-bf (who became my husband) proposed to me and I accepted.

I last heard from him about 1 year ago, when he popped online to ask me how I was. he had "vanished" for many months before that, when I told him that my then-bf proposed to me. He popped up 1 yr ago that time, he asked me whether I had accepted the proposal. I said yes. This is in itself, a lie, because actually I was already married by then.

After I told him that I have accepted the proposal, which today I think was the biggest mistake of my life, this man never contacted me ever again. Before that he was already acting weird and said how he didn't feel that it's right of him to continue our unusual relationship while my real bf and I took serious steps to cement our relationship (through engagement). He said he feels bad towards my then-bf, who did not do anything wrong to him and feels he can't "violate" an engagement that will amount to marriage (as all engagements are supposed to).

I wonder if its due to my husband not being around, that i've been thinking of him again (prior to my husband's leaving singapore for the posting, I didn't think of that man too much).

But now in fact, not only do I think of him, I visualise meeting him and us in embrace. I also wonder if the fact that he's still lurking around in my mind, is because there was no proper closure between us.

I really miss him so dearly and I pray to God that he has found happiness with a girl who makes him laugh like I do, who understands him like I do and who can click with him so well like i do. In other words, I feel that I'd have been this girl together with him married, if we met under different circumstances or in an alternate reality.

I can't stop thinking of him. and I'm also worried of how this affects my marriage. Last week i even threw my temper at my husband when he phoned, I think its because of my thoughts and feelings for this man. what should I do?

he chose to cut me off after thinking that I was getting married, yet he had no qualms about having feelings for me all throughout the time when I was attached to my then-bf or attached to previous bfs.

is there such a big distinction between the status of married and attached, if you're a guy and you have feelings for a girl?

I pity your husband. What kind of woman are you? Forget about tryst and concentrate on yuor marriage. By marriage, you have already consecrated yourself to your husband and vice versa. So quit thinking about having feelings for another man, venture into the unknown and this would qualify you as a slut and society has no respect for you. Biggest mistake of your life? If you go and pursue the affair it would be the mother of all biggest mistakes of your life. Once married never look back.

Fugazzi SG

The spouse's going away is an excuse, by that I mean that the cirumstances now surrounding her is such that it is revealing of what one is: she is getting to find out who the real person she is now. Right/wrong does not matter. Between ethics n rules, the former is freeing and inclusive and is respectful of onself and the other(s). The latter is simply duty-bound and useful in business!

jojobeach SG

Personal details?!

From just what you said, I know in a second that you don't have the slightest handle over the extent of our interaction or entanglements with each other over the past 8 - 9 yrs.

For the past 8-9 years ?

Excuse me lady, you've been his fuck buddy for the past 8-9 years and he never bother to claim you as his own all these time ???

That pretty much sums up his real feelings for you.

"He didn't do it before, he ain't gonna do it now."

You can dream and fantasize about him all you want. He's not gonna recipocrate the feelings lah. If he would, that woulda be done long time ago.

This is a one sided dream.

Takes two to tango OK ? Good.

Now go and continue your one sided dream...

Since the dream is all you've got, it will be sad for us to dash it.

I wish you'd be less foolish and dream about your own husband instead.

blowfish SG

she going to hell if she still think this way.

Yunhaier SG

A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the woman he couldn't.

Pretty much a fantasy constructed entirely from your mind; as you have mentioned, most of your communication with him is within this virtual space, hence it's easy to say that this man could have been part of your marriage plan if 'he' were to do something in the past. I am not concerned about who makes a better fit (between your husband or the other guy), but rather, to use ideas of what you think the relationship would be like from a hypothetical point of view can be very different from the reality of being together with him.

Honestly, there is serious dissatisfaction in your marriage and this is something that is creating powerful push factor/s to rethink into your marriage. This man conveniently served as a tool of escapism, where the line between what's real and unreal becomes blur. Surely circumstances would have led you to where you are now and there are higher reasons why circumstances are manipulated into what they are and these are not easily comprehended by our finite mind.

Loneliness is common manifestation of a dissatisfied relationship and if you find yourself having to retrace your decision (although not entirely acting on it just yet), it probably suggest the perilous state of health your relationship is at. If you perceived that this 'other man' requires a greater status other than just being a man 'you could have, but didn't', this is probably where your complication really begins.

Seemed like the previous attempts of mending the relationship wasn't exactly fruitful. There is still much underlying current of intensive emotions hidden at the back of your subconscious. It would truly be fallacious if people believe that marriage will dissolve all existing problem in their BGR relationship - e.g, your illicit relationship with the other man. The truth is that it merely burrows itself into our subconscious, waiting for opportunity to screw our mind and heart once again because we fail to recognise the crux of issue.

It is a common phenomenon for people who are unavailable/unable to commit to find someone likewise because there appear to be 'safety' in 'playing around' with people who are unavailable as it socially 'restrain' us from transgressing. But the problem is that if we don't recognise them as part of our mechanism to prevent ourselves from falling deeper, but instead, push the boundary beyond what it should have been, then it is possible to burn down the relationship.

Although you might have cemented the relationship before marriage, cracks are surfacing. From a longer term perspective, I think it might be helpful for you not to look externally for answers (e.g the other man), but instead, introspect inwardly to see if this marriage and love with your husband is something that you genuinely want. Only then, would you be able to build your decision from that point onwards and see how you could safeguard this marriage from the role of a wife.

P.S: Elbows are close to our heart, but most of us are not physically able to kiss our elbows. Sometimes in love, some people are just not meant to be - we will probably break a bone or two if we force it through.

Cheers

Just_do_it_lah SG

ChoCoChips SG

wahhhhhhhh

the elbow thingy is zai!

Just_do_it_lah SG

with some pics in the thread differently makes it more interesting....

Just_do_it_lah SG

Thinkingofyou SG

Hi. A quick update.

I am no longer interested or give a damn about this man.

I managed to track him down through facebook. And found out he's a lying cheating scum. he's lame too, with a blog that has spelling mistakes and also found that he has a twitter account which is lame to the max with the most spastic tweets.

I can't believe I fantasized about leaving my precious husband for this lying creep.

Simple_Bear SG

Hi. A quick update.

I am no longer interested or give a damn about this man.

I can't believe I fantasized about leaving my precious husband for this lying creep.

Always think through before you made your decision...

mancha SG

Personal details?!

From just what you said, I know in a second that you don't have the slightest handle over the extent of our interaction or entanglements with each other over the past 8 - 9 yrs.

Looks like your entanglements for the past 8 - 9 years was just an illusion on your part.

Count yourself lucky. He had fun, and so did you, while it lasted.

Thinkingofyou SG

Looks like your entanglements for the past 8 - 9 years was just an illusion on your part.

Count yourself lucky. He had fun, and so did you, while it lasted.

I have bad news.

Turned out the guy I found on facebook is not him. I made a mistake. I knew that he would never ever have a blog or twitter account like that. Moreover he's such a private man that I don't think he even has a facebook account.

So no, what I know of my e-bf is not an illusion in my part. I knew that I know him well. But it seems that the timing is not ripe for us to meet.

I pray to God that I will see him some day, hopefully soon. All I ask from God is one day. I will not have sex with him and so I will not cheat on my husband. I just want to see him.

Fugazzi SG

TS,

Illusion or not you are living an illusion lah - from your marriage to your futurizing, fantazing about this bloke of the past you are far removed from what is real.

I do emphatize with your spouse's predicament but I do feel sorry for u.

It is fine to fall for another but one has to be self-honest and not play mind games. It is apparent and so palpable that you seem utterly oblivious to that split within you!

When a relationship or marriage is bereft of love - it is reduced to being a mutual benefit scheme!

ShrodingersCat SG

I have bad news.

So no, what I know of my e-bf is not an illusion in my part. I knew that I know him well. But it seems that the timing is not ripe for us to meet.

I pray to God that I will see him some day, hopefully soon. All I ask from God is one day. I will not have sex with him and so I will not cheat on my husband. I just want to see him.

how u know u made a mistake? U asked him and he said 'no its not me'?

Fcukpap SG

why not make it "preaching but thinking of another God"

mancha SG

I have bad news.

So no, what I know of my e-bf is not an illusion in my part. I knew that I know him well. But it seems that the timing is not ripe for us to meet.

I pray to God that I will see him some day, hopefully soon. All I ask from God is one day. I will not have sex with him and so I will not cheat on my husband. I just want to see him.

We are not jumping with joy when you told us about the blog. So the case of mistaken identity is not bad news. It just a correction. Thats good.

You declared that he is your soul-mate. I see only a unilateral declaration.

Soul-mate has reference to previous existence. Everything consumable on earth is recycled. The air that we breathe has been used over and over again since the formation of the earth. That means dinosaurs have breathe the air that we are breathing now. Nothing is added nothing is taken away, whats on Planet Earth remains on Planet Earth. (Only a teeny bit of metal, and hydrogen fuel is lost through space explorations, other than that everything stays on this planet.)

The water, minerals, chemicals, gases, that make up the various tissues of our body has been used before. In a tree, a fish, another person, an animal etc. etc. These materials they go to the ground, air, water and is recycled.

This then brings about the phenomenon of unusual attraction to something i.e. an animal, a tree, a person, an object. The attraction is usually a mystery. Could it be that there are cells in that wooden table that had been from the same source as that in your body now?

Of course the table is just an example, it could be anything, even a person or a pet.

This is what soul-mate is all about. But because objects cannot express feelings, it is the human that feels the attraction. Some animals do too.

With humans/animals soul-mate situations the attraction is always mutual.

But the chance of coming across your soul-mate is extremely rare. As the elements in our body are from diverse sources, and each too minute to have a major influence. But it is also not an impossibility to come across a soul-mate. It is also possible to ressist the attraction. Conversely, it is also possible to declare soul-mate attraction where there is none.

Be careful you do not deceive yourself.

Thinkingofyou SG

We are not jumping with joy when you told us about the blog. So the case of mistaken identity is not bad news. It just a correction. Thats good.

You declared that he is your soul-mate. I see only a unilateral declaration.

Of course the table is just an example, it could be anything, even a person or a pet.

This is what soul-mate is all about. But because objects cannot express feelings, it is the human that feels the attraction. Some animals do too.

With humans/animals soul-mate situations the attraction is always mutual.

Be careful you do not deceive yourself.

I did not mean you jumping for joy when I said 'bad news'. I meant bad news for myself, because I had equated seeing the bad side of him as good news. If the lame guy had been identified to be the man I'm thinking of, I'd have been freed of the bondage of this love. So not everything is about you.

Thanks for your interesting and unique take on the concept of soulmates. I assure you that your scientific take on it is very unique and not shared by most others.

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