I have been contemplating to post on this forum but I feel the
need to rant a bit and hopefully get some useful advice for my
situation. As the thread title says, I'm in a sexless marriage.
I will provide details of my relationship with my wife and some
details of myself that will not compromise the privacy of my wife
and myself.
To start off, I have known my wife for 5 years and we decided to
tie the knot last year. My wife was a virgin when I dated her
although she was with her ex-bf for 7 years (not that it matters to
me). On the other hand, I have dated several girls before and been
in a couple of sexual relationships. When I got to know my wife,
she was still with her ex-bf but of course, their relationship was
in a very bad shape. Her bf sort-of cheated on her by allowing
himself to be seduced by a girl naked in her dormitory, but he did
not have sex with her. To summarise, my wife felt the need to move
on from this man and date someone else.
At the time where I first got to know my wife through a friend,
I was not attracted to her. Also, I was dating a stewardess at that
time so it has never cross my mind to consider dating her, until
some events took place. I think it all started with my birthday
party, stewardess was supposed to come but couldn't make it and my
wife came to the party. After the party, a few of my friends and
myself went to a park for drinks and I asked my wife along
because I felt that she was feeling down at that time and I wanted
to cheer her up. On my actual brithday, my wife asked me out for a
movie and I agreed and of course, she wished me a happy birthday.
From there on, I started to look at my wife in a different way, and
we started dating each other. I like my wife for her intelligence,
her common interest with me and similar views on many aspects of
life. So stewardess girl was out of the picture and I eventually
marry my wife at the age of 27.
Now on to the sexuality part.. My wife was a virgin, I was her
first sexual partner but it was not easy. It took several tries
before I was able to have intercourse with her as she was feeling
great pains as I try to penetrate. At that point, I knew that my
wife requires encouragement in-order to have sex as she feels more
pain that pleasure out of it. In our first few years of
relationship, the frequnecy of our sex is about 2 times a month
which I feel is not a good frequency. Then, something happened..
she got pregnant. Both of us made a decisive decision to abort it
during her first few weeks of pregnancy as both of us are not ready
for a child at that time. (You can call me names if you want,
perhaps I deserve it) That was the turning point of our sexual
life, it turned for the worst. After abortion, we did not have sex
for a year.. not even petting. Prior to getting married we did have
sex once in 6 months although we could not complete the full
intercourse as she was experiencing discomfort. During our trip to
Japan, we did not have sex either. A few months before our
marriage, I had a talk with her about our sexual relationship and
asked her about the possible reasons of the pain. She said that it
is probably because she was scared to get pregnant again. I tried
to help her by introducing a vibrator, game and lubricant but to no
avail. I also managed to persuade her to visit the gynae to check
if there is anything wrong with her vagina, there wasn't. Anyway, I
still love my wife despite her seemingly asexual behavior and
decided to marry her thinking that perhpas after marriage things
will get better for us.
Well, things did not get better. During the few days in our
hotel after the wedding dinner, we did not have sex at all.
Whenever I try to touch her intimately, she would be irritated and
reject me. After a few attempts, I got fraustrated and laid in the
bathtub for an hour refusing to talk to her. At that time, I almost
felt like crying. It has been 6 months since we tied the knot and
we only had sex once though it was not a full intercourse.On one
occasion, feeling fraustrated after a rejection from her, I
threaten her saying that she should be prepared to face the
consequences. I ignored her after that and just focused on
sleeping. A few weeks later, I brought up the issue of our sexual
life again. I told her how I have been feeling and that I still
feel disappointed about what happened on the wedding night. Feeling
fraustrated, I told her that I have thrown in the towel and I have
lost interest in having sex with her. She kept quiet and did not
say much.
I think I'm a person with high libido, so I needed to have an
avenue to meet my needs. My wife allows me to watch porn and
masturbate, so I have been doing this in order to keep myself from
feeling depressed. Recently, I found an article that might be
related to her problem so I forward to my wife and she concurs with
the conditions she is facing in that article. She is probably
having this condition called Vaginismus. The only friend that I've told of my
situation advised me to persuade my wife to see a sexologist which
she agrees to. The relationship with my wife is seemingly good and
we are going to Greece on our honeymoon next week. I'm currently
fraustrated that she is so passive on our sexual problem and it
seems to me that she do not compremend the seriousness of the
situation.
I hope that someone can offer some valuable advice on how to
improve my current situation and no, I'm not going to visit
prostittues in Geylang or have an affair.
Thank you for your time reading this, I know it is kind of long
winded.
Hi Dude,
I think you have a very real problem that needs professional
help. Imo sex is integral to a relationship especially if yer
already married. Visit a female psychiatrist GH (I think female can
relate to her better and she will be more willing to open up to
same sex) and if needed she will escalate the problem to the
respective department. My gut feeling is that after the abortion
she sort of dislikes sex. And to top it off she did not seem to
enjoy it from start more so of a chore becos of partners needs
(which is normal).
Kind Regards
Genie