1/4 life crisis - Tired, frustrated and lost

last SG · 2010-03-28T12:06:23+00:00

"The job market is showing signs of life, though its slow recovery suggests unemployment will remain high for years to come. Employers added 162,000 jobs in...

Jerjoe SG

Hi, my first post rant...

I want to start by introducing myself. If you think I'm boasting, you're entitled to since it may come across that way. I'm just so frustrated that I don't know what to think or do anymore.

I come from a pretty well to do family. From young, I've worked very hard, so my parents wanted to send me overseas for university. I was reluctant to be honest but went with it as they insisted. In the middle of ns, I applied and got into one of the best US university for the engineering field I was interested in. Over my 3 years in college, I tried my utmost to find a job there but it was just a complete failure. Ironically, I was at my best in my undergraduate years. I was doing incredibly well academically - With a stunning gpa, I was performing better than all the other Sg scholars. I was also the president/captain of one of the varsity sports clubs and was really fit. I went to church every Sunday and had many friends. Heck, I even had time to go out clubbing and for some reason some guys worshipped how I carried myself around girls (with confidence on hindsight).

Every year I practically threw myself at any US employer but no one bit. One could blame the recession perhaps. I was forced to compromise, interning in Shanghai one year, working for my university professor the next and in Singapore in the last year. The day I graduated was probably the most disappointing day in my life. I found it very shameful to tell others that, unlike all my peers, I was out of college without a plan, without a dream. All that motivational talk and speeches given out on that day could not console what I was really feeling. Lets face it, we graduated at the shittest time in the last 5 decades. People complain about not finding a job for 6 months. I hadn't found one in 4 years.

I decided not to take it personally. I switched majors for my masters, hopefully to broaden my scope. As expected, my grades took a dip and became quite average (I'm only human. Trying to compete with a classroom full of phd candidates with almost zero basic knowledge is like jumping out of a plane with an umbrella). I lost quite a bit of fitness as I sunk a little into depression even though I'm still managing the club. I think I'm losing my mind as well (as in becoming more stupid or mentally insane I don't know). Overall, I lost pretty much every bit of confidence I had in myself. Before I at least had academics to fall back on. Now, I have almost nothing academically, financially, socially, intelluctually. That's not to say I didn't see it coming. The decline started the few months before I graduated and proceeded to endure almost a year later to now. I don't know how to reverse it.

I'm a quarter million dollars in debt to my parents with no clear path of recourse (ie, no job). The job situation here in the US is bad. In Singapore, it seems I'm not wanted either. Too expensive compared to "FT"s. Furthermore, we all know the job "prospects" of being an engineer. On the contrary, the banks who are culprits for this crisis are still offering business grads ridculous starting salarys (a topic for another time).

I've given up also on having any kind of relationships. I thought that it was because I couldn't spare the time but now I know that was just an excuse. I just simply don't believe relationships work for me anymore (maybe this is a confidence issue I don't know). You may find this ridculous but at 25, I think I'm already too old to develop any meaningful long term relationship. Once a person starts working, status and money distort relationships and for all my faith in humanity, I don't believe girls can see alot beyond that. I've seen too many first hand, off hand examples that my trust has been blown away. Sure, sure my sample size is "relatively" small hahaha but it grows every year.

I no longer find myself having time/energy to spare for friends much less making new ones. Every thing I had going before evaporated. In the past, I would be garang enough to step into awkard situations. Now even sharing eye contact with other people makes me feel weird and insecure. I used to be such an extrovert, now I'm an introvert. In short, I'm the person who from the outside seemed to have every thing but really has nothing.

If someone threatened my life now, I don't think I would care. I think about suicide on a weekly basis, more from a "harakiri" standpoint but then what would my parents do? They are the sole reason why I'm still breathing. They also need to pay housing loans something that would not have been a problem if I had stayed in Singapore. I need to provide an ROI so to speak for all their time and money. But with all the mistakes and failures I have made, I don't know how long more I can go on. Each failure I bring bears a cost to other people. Edison could have had a thousand failures before he succeeded but how many people have that luxury?

I'm tired, frustrated and lost. Did I mention about my health? Nevermind, I too lor sor already.

BaByBoY SG

hey man,

i too had this feeling recently,

thou i had not found a solution to our situation, but at least i`m doing the things tat are expected of me.. i found a low paying job as an engineer and trying to claw my way out of the industry...

just an advise to you from an insider, don ever even thinkof stepping into an engineering industry, it just aint worth it..

TYING SG

You have got only one brain up there to function your life, so maybe you can solving part by part of your problems first?

Right now, at the age of 25, you should be focusing on building your career instead of r/s. So for the r/s problem, maybe you can just cast it aside first. That already reduces one of your problem.

Now, about getting job, are you in this state because of your interview skills are not up on par? or that your asking salary is too high? Think about the factors that makes you unemployed till now. It does not take much to compromise right now.

Correct me if I'm wrong. But I do not think you are required to contribute back to your household expense or that your parents are hounding you for the debt you are owing them. So this makes you pretty financially free at the moment. If that is the case, why not take a step back, take down a lower paid job, and slowly climb up through your abilities? Look at the longer term rewards, rather than the short ones.

If you could have climbed that high in your early academic days, there must be something worthy of you to be mentioned and made use of. Do not give up.

All the best. =)

Fuck PAP & Lee Kuan Yew SG

Why 1/4 life crisis?

http://sgforums.com/forums/1533/topics/394232

mancha SG

Simple.

You are full of yourself.

You have no plans for next week, you only see yourself now. Not to say the next five years.

"I was out of college without a plan, without a dream."

You failed to plan. A very common trait on all those who don't make it.

You still expect things to be laid out for you as it was all through the years of study.

Sorry, you are on your own now. You have to make things happen. Or else wait for what is dished out to you. Many others are also like you, expecting their "entitlement" rather than "go get 'em".

You are on a different level, a higher level from mere workers. You got to have a plan, a road map, direction, what you can contribute, what you want to achieve. Your prospective employers want to see that. They don't want a highly qualified worker. You are entering at the executive level, for gawd sake.

Forbiddensinner SG

Why 1/4 life crisis?

http://sgforums.com/forums/1533/topics/394232

Cause he is expecting himself to live to a hundred. 25 is a quarter of a hundred. Personally, I will prefer not living past forty though.

Problems:

1) No Job

2) Health

3) Debts to parents

4) No gf

The above is listed in an order from most important to least important. Basically, the first step is to find a job. My advice is to look for areas beside the engineering field. You can try education, insurance, products - Anything that will put food on the table and allow you to pay back your parents bit-by-bit. It doesn't matter if it is going to take a decade or two, the main thing now is that you have no income and thus is totally unable to repay them at all.

DO NOT have the thinkings that ''I have a Masters, and I will definitely need to have a starting pay of above 5k, if not 10k'' and "I study so hard for so many years, so I must have a good job". Life is unpredictable, just take whatever that comes your way, and make the best out of it.

charlize SG

Look on the bright side.

Your friends whom you seem to think live hunky dory lives have probably worse problems than you.

Really.

Jerjoe SG

hey man,

i too had this feeling recently,

thou i had not found a solution to our situation, but at least i`m doing the things tat are expected of me.. i found a low paying job as an engineer and trying to claw my way out of the industry...

just an advise to you from an insider, don ever even thinkof stepping into an engineering industry, it just aint worth it..

I'm left with not much choice now at this rate. So much for doing what you love. If it were in the US, it wouldn't be too bad actually but if I had to be an engineer in Sg, I really don't see much of a future in terms of job prospects, satisfaction and renumeration.

I wish you all the best too.

Jerjoe SG

You have got only one brain up there to function your life, so maybe you can solving part by part of your problems first?

Right now, at the age of 25, you should be focusing on building your career instead of r/s. So for the r/s problem, maybe you can just cast it aside first. That already reduces one of your problem.

If you could have climbed that high in your early academic days, there must be something worthy of you to be mentioned and made use of. Do not give up.

All the best. =)

Thanks. I do understand where you are coming from about r/s. The view I have is that its almost now or never. Yes we never know what will happen in future but I think that if I wait till I'm financially stable (great job I'm doing here), there will be too many obstacles by that time. But alright, perhaps I should sort out my career first and see how.

My interview skills are decent I think. The feedback I get is that they usually very impressed with my conversation skills and education background. This was back in my undergrad and I was very confident then. Salary was always negotiable. The problem was that my "skill set" did not match. US private employers were very particular about candidates having a specific set of skills already in place, even for internships which I found a little unreasonable. I've been to so many career fairs that I'm on first-name basis with alot of recruiters from different companies.

There is certainly no hard and fast rule about repayment. However, they have a housing loan to service soon. The last thing I want is for my parents to have any kind of financial instability because my education became a white elephant.

Thanks again for your advice. I don't know what's going to hold me together but I guess I'll just keep plugging at it.

storywolf SG

Sometime you just have to down grade yourself if you did not have the right skill set !!!

For god sake get a job - and stop sitting there and think so much !

Jerjoe SG

Simple.

You are full of yourself.

You have no plans for next week, you only see yourself now. Not to say the next five years.

"I was out of college without a plan, without a dream."

You failed to plan. A very common trait on all those who don't make it.

You still expect things to be laid out for you as it was all through the years of study.

Sorry, you are on your own now. You have to make things happen. Or else wait for what is dished out to you. Many others are also like you, expecting their "entitlement" rather than "go get 'em".

I figured I would get some negative response. The internships I did through out my undergrad were all "plan B"s. When I graduated, I had applied and got into grad school for masters. That was also a plan B. Sorry what I meant without a plan was less literal. I was trying to say that even though on face value I had a clear path to take, on a more emotion level I was lost. I was following plan that I couldn't believe I was taking. Actually, I never expected things to be laid out, in fact I got so used to failure (to get a job/intern) that I planned my life around expecting failure to happen. For 4 years I gave everything. There's only so much I can take.

You are right about facing a prospective employer. A couple years ago that wouldn't have been a problem. I was bright-eyed, sharp, had a clear idea of how I could position myself in the industry, knew where I was going. I had a hunger that I now vaguely remember. Now I don't even believe in or recognise myself. I'm not sure how I can convince someone else. I'm surprised at how college turned me into a tired shadow of myself.

TYING SG

Thanks again for your advice. I'm don't know what's going to hold me together but I guess I'll just keep plugging at it.

So have you thought, whether you would be settling down locally or in the US? You must know where you want to be, before you can even look for a job right? I'm not very sure about US employment stuff. Since you said that they are very particular about the relevant set of skills, then why not change your focus to that in Singapore?

In Singapore, you do not need any specific set of skills, but a general one. If you are willing to accept a lower pay cut, and willing to work hard to show your commitment in the industry, I believe you would be scaling the ranks in no time given your qualification.

Have you tried going into the civil service sector?

Daveteo SG

At most just accept any jobs that come, even temp and waiter, security guard job etc..

Jerjoe SG

To all:

I forgot to mention this, hence the questions I see being brought up. I'm still doing my masters right now and I'll be done by the end of this year, so I'm not sitting around at home fretting. I was hoping that I could get a good internship this summer but not a single company has replied. I shudder to think what will happen when I graduate. Working in a low end job is less of a pride issue to me, as I have little left, but more of a feasibility issue. I just need to find something that would make good the education that I've had. Alright fine maybe this statement is also arrogant, if a Stanford Phd can drive a taxi who am I kidding.

As for "1/4 life crisis" lol, I think I miscalculated. Its probably 1/3 but even I won't want to live that long.

Jerjoe SG

Have you tried going into the civil service sector?

Ideally my plan was to work in the US, recoup the degree investment before returning to Sg. But I can't be too rigid in my thinking seeing that today anything and nothing can happen. I've switched my internship search over to Sg but its also not going well, not to mention the inherent difficulty of doing it from US.

I'm really banking on the fact actually that Sg companies aren't as particular about a graduate's initial skills as long as he/she has shown capability. I've considered civil service but it would certainly fall behind private. Before going to the US, I actually argued with my parents about getting a scholarship as they didn't want me to be bonded. How ironic things turn out.

lovegoddes SG

Ideally my plan was to work in the US, recoupe the degree investment before returning to Sg. But I can't be too rigid in my thinking seeing that today anything and nothing can happen. I'm switched my internship search over to Sg but its also not going well, not to mention the inherent difficulty of doing it from US.

Hey, if you're still in the US and want to talk to someone, you could call me.

I'm doing my masters here in philadelphia.

where in the US are you at?

one36 SG

To all:

As for "1/4 life crisis" lol, I think I miscalculated. Its probably 1/3 but even I won't want to live that long.

hi,

i empathize with you. the world is changing, especially in the last 2 years of global crisis. 10 years ago, singapore graduates generally can expect to find work upon graduation. there was the asian financial crisis, nevertheless the spore job market was more stable and protected then (in my view) compared to now due to the influx of foreign "talents" and economic restructuring.

fresh grads enter the job market full of idealism and ideas of how their future should turn out. it's frustrating when reality turns out to be quite different from their dreams.

this situation happens not only to "fresh" grads like yourself, but also to mid-career professionals who left their jobs, say 1-2 years ago when the economy outlook was rosy, to pursue full time post-grad degrees. after making a hefty investment, they left grad school to find themselves either out of job, or having to do jobs which don't commensurate with their abilities. it's not their fault that this situation has happened. it is the macro-environment that has changed - the current slate of jobs available just don't fit their "upgraded" skills and knowledge.

you are absolutely right in wanting to "make good of the education that you have had". it is only natural to feel this way. working at a "low-end" job for grads is possible, however it is likely you will feel the mis-fit.

anyway, to cut a long story short, my point is that, being caught in a situation like yours is not your fault. so don't burden yourself unnecessarily by blaming yourself or your parents for the decisions made in the earlier years. back then, i'm sure no one had a crystal ball to predict how the future will turn out. we have to make adjustment - psychologically and in our strategy to move forward. a changed world requires a different thinking to adapt to it.

depressing as it is now, life will go on. we just need to figure out how. there will always be a way. who knows, you may have a lucky break soon ! cheer up, k ? :) keep a positive attitude.

by the way, don't give up on relationships (in general). it's true that the well-being of a person's career affects his mood and outlook. nevertheless, good relationships give you the warmth and fuel to draw upon to help you tide over the winter. change is the only constant. that means that the situation is changing too. our minds tend to dwell on the negative, but change can be for the better too :)

R3SsH|n SG

i believe this is because you haven't fail in life before. all the while from birth till degree your life has been smooth sailing. However, once you encounter failure, you panicked and start losing confidence.

Comparing the glory days when u were president of your sports club and popular among to now you are just studying to pass time, you are experience the rollercoaster of success and failure.

However, do not fret! everyone has fail before! some fail big, some fail small but its a certainty everyone has failed before. Do not be afraid of failure. Afraid is when you are scared of taking steps which ONLY YOU think will result in failures.

Right now, you have to learn to take one step at a time. concentrate on what you have at hand instead of the future. i believe your path now is finish your masters, get a job (don't worry if your pay is lesser than what your peers are earning now), repay whatever debts you have and start regaining your confidence. Confidence for you should be an innate ability so find it and start believing that failure in life is nothing because the earth still spins and the clock still ticks when you fail.

Jerjoe SG

Hey, if you're still in the US and want to talk to someone, you could call me.

I'm doing my masters here in philadelphia.

where in the US are you at?

Just PM'ed you

Jerjoe SG

hi,

fresh grads enter the job market full of idealism and ideas of how their future should turn out. it's frustrating when reality turns out to be quite different from their dreams.

depressing as it is now, life will go on. we just need to figure out how. there will always be a way. who knows, you may have a lucky break soon ! cheer up, k ? :) keep a positive attitude.

I think there is alot of truth in what you said and it makes alot of sense. Unfortunately, feelings aren't very logical and constantly facing negative setbacks for years at a time does take its toll. But I'll do my best to keep a positive outlook and at least get through this semester. Thanks for your understanding.