Raising a Big Boy

last SG · 2009-12-13T22:19:55+00:00

rolling on the floor.who would actually do that. it takes so much effort and is troublesome to get back up again.is he retard. go get someone better.

steadypompipi SG

u shouldnt blame urself cos u were not the 1 who sparked it all. rather than being disappointed in urself, isnt it better to put an end to all these nonsense?

having read ur comments, seems like u are just being used to having him around in your life, a companion and someone whom you can talk to. you should start asking yourself, is he the kind of person that you would wana spend the rest of your life with? 4yrs of relationship compared to a lifelong of commitment is nothing.

start examining where you really hope to see yourself 10, 20 yrs from now. if you do not let this r/s go, you will probably see yourself punching him a few more times. better to muster the courage to leave him now then to live a life full of regrets... good luck.

Little Red Book SG

Thanks all for your kind advice. I really want to do it, and it means more than courage.

I have to change my whole life to run away from him. Change my home address, office address and number. I am quite stuck in my life now, at 27 can't buy HDB. Can't afford a condo yet. Even buying a 2nd hand condo will take at least 3 months! Office has a lease of 2 yrs, 1 more year to go.

At long as he can locate me, he wont let me off. I dun seems to be able to escape his claw. It is tiring mentally to keep resisting and running away. To put on the rejecting mode is draining. Unless I get out of Singapore, but that again will be really a big step to take, involving not only emotional strength but finances as well. As much as I want to let go, it seems to involve a destructive process. To break everything, including the good ones to start building new ones again. I can't seems to afford it.

Jojo, you described my exact feeling. Walking on egg shell fearing the next time round. Hiding my bruises. Thanks for sharing your feelings, you inspire me. I truly admire your strength to walk out, but then again maybe your ex partner is not as scary as this guy. He caused a stir each time i reject him. I need to pacify him if i wan to reject him. It's ridiculous......

I remind myself everyday, if i have a chance i will not hesitate to leave him....

kopiosatu SG

wow

its still not over

jojobeach SG

Thanks all for your kind advice. I really want to do it, and it means more than courage.

I remind myself everyday, if i have a chance i will not hesitate to leave him....

And so you stayed because you fear losing everything you worked for today.

And tomorrow when you have more to lose.. will that make it easier to leave him ?

Now you are knee deep.. where will you be 5 years from now ?

Let there be intervention from your family. They loves you and will not want you to live through another day of hell . Families are the best people to help you get "UNSTUCK"... don't procrastinate any longer.

I know you are hoping he will change.. but will he ?

My ex started out being a really nice guy... then the verbal abuses... then the threats and intimidation... soon.. the smashing and destruction of anything he knows I care about... after that.... the physical abuse ....soon.. death threats......to me and my family.... pure emotional torture.

The bruises will go away... things can be bought again... but your spirit will be broken for as long as this torture continues.

Every destructive behaviour is about "control". When he cannot get his way..the mayhem starts....

The more independent you are of him... be it financially, emotionally, and/or physically.. the more he wants to exert control over you.

It's not about love anymore little red.

I'm pretty sure right now.. you must feel so conflicted.. because you think he must love you a lot to be doing these kind of stuff to "hold you back"... but really.. it's just him not wanting to lose his pride as a man who " cannot keep his woman".

Living your life like a circus animal... for show only.

You must be hoping he will leave you on his own accord. But he won't.

Even when he is now sleeping and hugging another woman... he'll still want to exert the same kind of control over you.

Put your feet down firmly, he can't carry on like this forever... one day.. his act will cease... else it will destroy HIS OWN life. His career, his own family will despise him... he will become an outcast.

Call the police when he comes near.. inform his parents when he refuses to back off.. send video clips of his aggression to his boss...

The same way he terrorise you.. do it back to him...when he knows you no longer fear him.. he will have to stop.

A bully will only bully one who is weak.. not one who is more aggressive than he.

jojobeach SG

You are lucky he has a career and reputation to protect. That is what makes him vulnerable.

When a man has nothing to his name.. when he has nothing to lose.. that is when he is most dangerous.

Genie99a SG

Hi Little Red Book,

Been awhile, sad to see things haven't ironed out but that's how life is really. However hard you plan for it, it has its ways.

Back to the topic. There must be a core reason why he is throwing those tantrums. Can you perhaps cite an example? We are all anonymous here but if you feel uncomfortable pm me an example.

If you've been an item with him for awhile...(4 years over?) walking out of the relationship really should be the last straw after you have exhausted all other possibilities.

Kind Regards

Genie

jojobeach SG

Had it not been for my family, I woulda be dead. Somewhere on the ground floor of our apartment, my soul and splattered body departs.

Their support and protection helped me pull through this horrible past.

They were shocked.. to know what had transpired between my ex and me... we looked like such perfect couple on the surface... but.. behind closed doors... incessant fights and torture we reside.

Today.. my family are still very protective of who comes near.. and fear I give my heart to another man not worthy.

That which does not kill us, makes us stronger..-Friedrich Nietzsche

Little Red Book SG

Hi Jojo,

you have a strong family, you are lucky. My family is full of loop holes. My parents, both brothers are divorced. I grow up watching all these. Even my grandma is the 2nd wife, so is my aunty. Do you have faith anymore? I am tired and scare becos nobody seems to stay together anymore.

Today, something happened. I was at his office for a meeting. His company is my client. After the meeting as we are about to leave, we bump into this girl he dated behind my back! Last year, we nearly broke up and during the period of cold war, he dated this good looking office girl. I am always carrying this doubt in me, as he is not the honest kind.

Just now, we bumped into her at the entrance he avoided her by using the side entrance?? What does this mean??? I felt like a misstress, as if i cant be seen. I feel so ugly. My self-esteem dropped further. Can you tell me what all these mean. I questioned him and he lose his temper on me. I called for a taxi and escaped home while he was talking to someone.

My GOD, help me out of this!!! Why did a man that say he loves you and will marry you hurt you like tat???? Is this all BULLSHIT???

kopiosatu SG

u want out but you're not doing anything.

elindra SG

Hi Jojo,

My GOD, help me out of this!!! Why did a man that say he loves you and will marry you hurt you like tat???? Is this all BULLSHIT???

My question to you is, why are you still in this relationship if it's all bullshit and torture

jojobeach SG

ou have a strong family, you are lucky. My family is full of loop holes. My parents, both brothers are divorced. I grow up watching all these. Even my grandma is the 2nd wife, so is my aunty. Do you have faith anymore? I am tired and scare becos nobody seems to stay together anymore.

My GOD, help me out of this!!! Why did a man that say he loves you and will marry you hurt you like tat???? Is this all BULLSHIT???

Me have a strong family ? Pffffft ... my parents divorced when I was a baby.

Just that your family won't leave you to the wolves. They will provide you the shelter to run to and some family members can tell that meanie to back off.

When the abuser knows you are all alone, they'd rip you apart. Once he knows your family is aware of his dirty deeds and will intervene when necessary, he won't dare to go too far.

Don't keep asking " why why why".. are you really that naive ?

That man don't love you.. he just wanna CONTROL you. A marriage gives him LEGAL RIGHTS to do so once you are his wife.

How many times must you get betrayed, abused, yelled at, mis-treated, pushed around , and trampled on.... before you open your eyes to see and ACKNOWLEDGE THIS MAN IS NO GOOD ??

So he goes seeking solace in another woman's bossom every time you give him a cold shoulder ??

NO WONDER he keeps picking fights with you. Good reason to go off on a hot date with another woman eh ???

Ya want your self esteem back ? You know what to do sister.

Seriously.. is he really that attractive ? His cock very big issit ? Or he got voodoo on you ???

I hope you are not a sucker for punishment..

You ain't getting any younger sister ... 27 already. Not many more years left.

This terrible man ain't gonna change for you cus he has no respect for ya. So what are you waiting for ? Wait unti old and boh lang ai alredy.. then you regret ah ? Tooo late already ok ?

Leave this guy.. and go find yerself a better one lah.....

Fugazzi SG

TS,

Your predicament is such lar - your sense of self is related to what you do and what you are with others - hence this misery.

You seem to unconciously define life, love and ... and try to find it in others ways and doings. However, what one forgets (u in this instance) is that people change and only change is permanent. Till u reconcile to this and accept and allow ..... you may leave this guy and later with the next encounter or relationship it will all come back again. The same psychodrama/melodrama.

Why? When one's lives with definitions, ideals, right/wrong - one is being accidental one is at the mercy of what happens outside of oneself. It is simply not sustainable and many try and eventually find themselves languishing and dragging everyday.

Only this works and works - learn to unlearn your ways and most importantly be absent to the SELF (what you think of yourself, of love, of life, traditions, customs, beliefs) that u carry around. By that is meant - EGO , when u are absent to that aspect or at least understand the fiction of SELf - u are going to be present to what is and what u are. Love has a concept if it is lacking in oneself will never fulfil another and at most it may try, pretend, cajole or trade.

When one is unfree inside - it is only a matter of time,situaition, circumstance - it will surface. Now, your so-called boyfried or whatever u label him to be - what he is has surfaced. However, do also know this lar - what you are has also surfaced. He was an excuse - what you are now has always been there. One may pretend, apportion blame or fall back on the past and justify/rationalize.

jojobeach SG

Hi Jojo,

My GOD, help me out of this!!! Why did a man that say he loves you and will marry you hurt you like tat???? Is this all BULLSHIT???

Little red,

So far.. all your posting is about how you want to RUN AWAY from him.

There's really no need to run.

Just be brave and STAND UP to him.

You know why he doesn't respect you ? Because you always run away....running running running away. He yelled at you.. you run away... he abuse you.. you run away... you've been running away your whole life....even to your family.. you don't want them to think badly of you.. so you run away and hide .......so your family won't know.

I'm actually quite surprised you are able start your own business ... having a personality that doesn't want to face the problems head on.....

Running away will not solve anything... running away just means when you go back/return.... you go back to the SAME PROBLEMS.

mancha SG

There is this thing called the vicious cycle.

You are caught in it.

Unless you break from it, your life will be as you are experiencing now.

You are from a dyfunctional family. As such your thoughts, and expectations are towards strife. And you get just that. You have unconsciously chosen a husband who gives you the kind of life you are familiar with. You have grown up amid misery, and now react in the manner that you have learn will keep you in misery.

Even if you have a good man, your thought pattern will generate discord.

You need to take stock of your self.

Know what you are capable of.

Know what you want.

Know what you have.

Know what to do.

But first break away from the present environment. You must act, don't leave it as fate.

And firmly resolve to get what you want. You can do it, provided no one pulls you down while you are trying.

In a partnership, it takes two working correspondingly to achieve happiness. You must change yourself for the better and find a complementing partner.

Its difficult. But begin the journey.

Little Red Book SG

Yes, you guys are right! I am trapped in an endless and tired cycle.

You know anywhere I can take shelter at this moment? I heard the trans centre at HDB area provide confidential shelter for those under abuse? Is that true?

I need a place where I can be at peace so I can sort things out, internally and externally.

You are right, I need to ACT FOR MY LIFE!

Can someone plse advise me?

TehJarVu SG

can seek the police's help?

can u apply for order of retraint?

i don't know if it applies to non-married couple
tt's why maybe you can find out more from your neighbourhood police or from legal adviser

u can then tell him that you have this thing

if he sees that you are taking action and is so serious about it
he will not be so bold

TehJarVu SG

http://www.ellelministries.org/singapore

this place has lodging place for people who needs healing
but it's a christian organisation, i have to let you know
i don't know any other more "neutral" places
maybe you can make a visit and talk to them if you want

Little Red Book SG

Thanks Ah Hock! Appreciate that!

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