Hi, please do try to help me as much as possible.
I graduated with an O level certificate and after that, went
through a series of quarter-life crisis. Tried to retake but lose
interest in my academic studies. Now at age 22 (this year going to
be 23), I am soon be graduating in Mar at a commercial school, with
my Higher Nitec certificate if everything goes smoothly.
Anyways, this afternoon I had a chat with my sister. As my dad
is getting older as the years come, I've always blamed myself for
not thinking clearly when I graduated secondary school. I couldn't
think properly as I was deep in depression at that point of time. I
took a year and a half off indulging in games. I begged my dad to
take me back to studies but he kept saying he had no means of funds
to provide for my education. In the end, I went through a series of
job hopping and sacking before enrolling myself into a school with
the little savings I had.
Right now, as i'm working part-time, I am saving up for a
private diploma. I don't want to waste anymore time dragging my
studies.
But the point is, I had a chat with my sister. She wasn't too
interested in her job because of some management changes. Anyways,
I jokingly told her if I could leech off her and my mum (i'm
staying with my dad and stepmum) in future if I ever stayed with
them. She told me that if I wanted to stay there, I had to pay my
mum a sum of fees. I was like "Wtf?" I mean my mum wasn't that all
present in my childhood and it was my dad that took care of
everything and I was there thinking that it was pretty sly of her
to ask for my sister money since she knew being all grown up, we
could be self-sufficient enough to provide some funds for her.
And this, she didn't even give it to my dad.
Yes, I was hit by reality fast and hard enough when she said
that. I realised that the person, my dad, whom I can be dependent
on would sooner or later not be present in my life and I would be
leading a life of self-destruction or possibly homelessness. All
the while right now, he's providing my transport fees, my
handphone, internet bills and a roof atop of my head.
I thought I could be dependent on my mum, but I realised how
naive I was. I mean, she doesn't care about us when we were young
and helpless and why would she care about us right now??
I know i'm potraying myself as a leech and should learn to be
independent but I can assure you I am suffering from anxiety
problems and low-self esteem since I was treated like crap with the
people around me. I have no friends, no support network and my
relatives hate me plus my stepmum made it clear that she will kick
me out of the house if not for my dad.
Tell me people, what should I do? I've realised that since my
childhood, no one cares about me until my dad took me back, I kept
clinging on to him and i'm spoilt beyond belief.
Now I've lost my sense of direction life :(
People around you treat you like crap.. because you behaved like
one.
Your predicament is your own doing.
While you complain about your sister not giving to your dad. May
I ask.. what have YOU given to your family ?
Let me guess... you believe your family owes you a living ,
yes? At age 22 , NO.
So you think nobody loves you ? May I ask , do you love anyone
in your family ?
Do you love your father ? He provided for you, shelter you. What
are you giving back in return ? NOTHING ? Why , because you blame
your predicament on him don't you, and now is the time you are
taking revenge on him for screwing up your pathetic life, no ?
Do you really want to see your father still slogging away at old
age just to feed your mouth ? OFcors you do, you think he deserved
it, yes ?
So you bummed a year and a half of your life away playing
games... then out of the blue you want your dad to cough out money
to pay for your studies again ?
Studying and getting results requires effort, discipline
and motivation. Do you have any of these ? If not, then it
is only fair he don't have to pay his hard earned income into a
worthless cause (you).
You are not suffering from depression.. you are a sad case of
too much self-centeredness.
You are lost, because you have no one to give back to.
When all you do is take take take, the meaning in life goes
away.