Need help desperately. Depressed about marriage life

last SG · 2009-05-11T16:36:41+00:00

before we talk about your marriage, can I ask you something,Are you willing to change your life?Saying and dreaming about it is very easy but doing it is ano...

GreyMeow SG

TS, from what I saw on your previous posts, sorry to say that you are a selfish guy. I pity your wife. Sorry to be rude but......

It is your "you rong gua duan" that kills your marriage. The crack occurs becos you did not handle the situation properly.

Marriage for 7yrs, courtship for xx yrs. I believe that you should have known her well enough by now. How can you wait & wait till things turn so sour that both of you cannot taste the sweetness other than sour.

You either endure till end of everything or shout out everything after giving her several warnings. Marriage is diff from courtship, honeymoon period while dating. 2 pax from diff world live together in an "enclosed environment." Luckily that no kid is involved in this or else i think you can go MPH liao.

You can voice out what you feel in Sgf becos you have no peer pressure as no one knows you. But you can't voice out to her becos of.... Have you ever feel guilty towards her? If I am in your shoe, i will....... She spends her most beautiful 10yrs of youth with you.....

No 3rd party here can tell you or advise you what is best for you. Only you can decide for yourself. Asking a couple to divorce is very bad. It takes alot to become husband & wife.

38yrs old is still young and dun rush to conclusion. Think of the times that both of you were happily together. Give each other space to cool things down. If you wan, you can leave the house for a month, go back to your parent's or sibling's home for a short stay. Perhaps a cold turkey from your side can cure your wife's unstable condition.

thanks for your reply. i was still wondering when somebody will 'bash' me here. i admit in the past 2 yrs i had been dragging my feet.

i've stated my situation completely here in my post...didn't leave out much or being one-side in my story (although it's a post of my problems). i don't deny my poor handling of my marriage and was ready for any 'bashing' when i made my post.

believe it or not, the past 7 yrs of marriage had been hard and unhappy. i can hardly tell you of any happy moments. all i can say is that i'm always tense around her, not knowing where she will flare up for whatever reasons.

i can explain to you all day all things i had tried and perhaps you will still think i'm biased.

i didn't post my problems to give myself excuses in my failure or to make myself feel better or right..neither can i ask for your understanding. it's in my desperation too that i put up my post.

it maybe true nobody knows me here and nobody can tell me what to do.

after 7 yrs, i'm just an emotional wreck right now and i feel very guilty and ashamed i couldn't save my marriage..still i feel responsible and hope to find a way to make her acknowledge her problems and seek help. i still think the marriage is over for me and i just want to move on even if it appear selfish to you.

i cannot express to you how much guilt i've towards her and i doubt you'll believe me.

GreyMeow SG

Mister, can tell that you still love her. Hope you find ways to sort out your problems and not seek divorce since you still love her.

What about going for holidays to rekindle ?

i don't think i love her anymore. just feel responsible for her. yes, i hope i can find a way to help her and me soon. i definitely want to move on with my life.....w/o her.

Fantagf SG

i don't think i love her anymore. just feel responsible for her. yes, i hope i can find a way to help her and me soon. i definitely want to move on with my life.....w/o her.

What about approaching counsellors to help out?

Bak la va SG

thanks for your reply. i was still wondering when somebody will 'bash' me here. i admit in the past 2 yrs i had been dragging my feet.

i can explain to you all day all things i had tried and perhaps you will still think i'm biased.

i didn't post my problems to give myself excuses in my failure or to make myself feel better or right..neither can i ask for your understanding. it's in my desperation too that i put up my post.

it maybe true nobody knows me here and nobody can tell me what to do.

i cannot express to you how much guilt i've towards her and i doubt you'll believe me.

since you have decided, then go for it. Don't regret the decision that you have made. She may hate you now and thanks you after finding her next chapter in life.

Keeping quiet dun solve things in relationship.

Luckily I am not like you or else I would have married and bear kids for him that only feel guilt towards me..... Luckily me

Fugazzi SG

Selfishness is when one is a burden on another, when one is expecting another to be responsible for one's happiness, well-being and so on so forth.

In other words, one remains a beggar, one is never an emperor, wheter it be in a marriage, or a relationship or even a friendship, the emperor is rich within, he/she is abundant - able to share without expectations. The beggar has nothing to share, what can he/she give?

Translate this into the arena of everyday living (add on ....), look around, and one can see!

Alas, it is misconstrued - i m talking about richness that emanates from one's Being, one's heart. one is either impoverished or one is abundantly overflowing

GreyMeow SG

since you have decided, then go for it. Don't regret the decision that you have made. She may hate you now and thanks you after finding her next chapter in life.

Keeping quiet dun solve things in relationship.

Luckily I am not like you or else I would have married and bear kids for him that only feel guilt towards me..... Luckily me

yes, i hope she can move on too. i still have not find any way to let her acknowledge the problem....so the reason i'm here.

yes, everybody is luckier than me.

dkcx SG

yes, i hope she can move on too. i still have not find any way to let her acknowledge the problem....so the reason i'm here.

yes, everybody is luckier than me.

Its always possible to find some1 unluckier than you. Don't think so negatively.

Don't keep thinking about how she will react, what she will do, how she will think etc. Think about yourself and do what you feel is best for you. Ultimately you are living your life for yourself and not for her.

Bak la va SG

yes, i hope she can move on too. i still have not find any way to let her acknowledge the problem....so the reason i'm here.

yes, everybody is luckier than me.

If u really want to do that, there is alots of ways de mah....

GreyMeow SG

Its always possible to find some1 unluckier than you. Don't think so negatively.

right. i've been trying very hard not to think negatively. depression is a terrible illness...it take alot of self-control and energy just to stay 'normal'.

it's easier said than done....esp. when i still so guilty and responsible for her and i still don't know how to get her to acknowledge the problem.

GreyMeow SG

If u really want to do that, there is alots of ways de mah....

really?! can you advise me please?

Bak la va SG

really?! can you advise me please?

you want soft approach or harsh approach?

jojobeach SG

Greymeow,

Your wife will not move on.. as long as you stay. And it is emotional torture for her to come home to a husband who is emotionally withdrawn and is unable to rekindle the bond.

I suggest you move out first. Go stay with your parents or rent a place elsewhere. Don't need to file the papers yet.

You need to remove yourself from the toxic environment you called home. A sanctuary that was meant to foster peace.. has turned into a cold war zone. Give yourself some space to recover from your depression.

Right now.. your dilema is that you don't know how to break the news to her. You want out.. but you are afraid of the repercussions.

There's no easy way to break a divorce news to your spouse. It may come as a surprise for her.

Ya need to give her some time to wrap her brains around the decision. Let her ride the anger over ...but ... DO NOT give her hope of a reconciliation if there is none.

That is why it is best to move out.. and maintain contact in a civil and business manner.

DO NOT play the blame game. Be CIVIL about it.

Good luck.

dkcx SG

right. i've been trying very hard not to think negatively. depression is a terrible illness...it take alot of self-control and energy just to stay 'normal'.

it's easier said than done....esp. when i still so guilty and responsible for her and i still don't know how to get her to acknowledge the problem.

Depression is hard to deal with i know since you aren't the 1st person with depression i've known through sgf. The first thing to become normal is not not treat yourself as being abnormal and continue to remind yourself or even think that you are depressed.

Don't think about her at all. Just walkout if shes unreasonable as what some others have suggested or file for a seperation order etc. Do not always consider how she would feel, make yourself guilty etc since that will never let you get anything done. Think for yourself, harden your heart and just do what you should.

The first step is always the hardest to take. Give yourself courage to step out this 1 first step and the later steps will gradually get easier.

Kyutake SG

Before you even got married you should have long asked her and yourself. Were you even ready to accept her as a whole and embrace her flaws? She is a perfectionist and you a soft spoken compromising fella. A balanced combination but your time bomb ticking to explode. It will always takes two hands to clap, ask yourself, What is it you did that let her face such insecurities?

I can't offer much advice but only one which is to ask yourself why did you marry her even in the first place? seek that emotion, think of the happier times, talk to her more, show her more attention you do not just stop and do nothing. You stop and you move it on!

The way you placed your thread only dwells in your self pity. My dear fellow i feel for you and i understand that pain. But have you seriously asked and think real hard without hating her, on what part did you done wrong or you have lacked after marrying her?

Hope i woke you up a little, love touches once and last a lifetime.. Someone taught me that once and it was a regret that woke me up and treasure my next and i hope it will ring a bell for you too.

jojobeach SG

The first step is always the hardest to take. Give yourself courage to step out this 1 first step and the later steps will gradually get easier.

True true...Grey's problem is fairly common among married couples.

Married couple who fights over their differences. Fighting takes a toll on their marriage. And turns their marital home into a battle ground. Husband starts emotional withdrawal. Wife feels unloved and puts up more demand to test presence of love. Husband goes into his cave... wife gets more angrier because women wants to talk it out... and the problem perpetuate itself.

So.. during their marriage they are at each other's throat.... but after a divorce.. they actually can be "friendly" with each other. Strange how humans's behave sometimes. The lack of marital expectations........changes everything.

Some people may think friends are great to become a marital partner.. But they are dead wrong. Because a male and a female .. sometimes are only suitable to be .. just friends, they can only care for each other at friendship level.

When you are friends, you don't care if that person is a perfectionist or a slob. Because they are just friends.

That's why we "take it up" to the next level.. .. courtship level.. then marital level.. then child raising level... then finally the empty nest/retirement age level.

So apparently.. Grey and his wife.. couldn't even get past the marital level.

But for TS's case... since they have no kids.. life doesn't get that complicated.

Fantagf SG

True true...Grey's problem is fairly common among married couples.

After divorce.. no more marital expectations.. no more fightings.. are able to become friends.

So.. during their marriage they are at each other's throat.... but after a divorce.. they actually can be "friendly" with each other. Strange how humans's behave sometimes.

When you are friends, you don't care if that person is a perfectionist or a slop. Because they are just friends.

Many troubled married couples with kids... stayed in the marriage.. as "friends", that's how they keep it together.

But for TS's case... since they have no kids.. it's so much more easier.

Absolutely agree.

No money issue when they become friends. May be more caring to each other when they become friends.

GreyMeow SG

Greymeow,

Your wife will not move on.. as long as you stay. And it is emotional torture for her to come home to a husband who is emotionally withdrawn and is unable to rekindle the bond.

I suggest you move out first. Go stay with your parents or rent a place elsewhere. Don't need to file the papers yet.

Right now.. your dilema is that you don't know how to break the news to her. You want out.. but you are afraid of the repercussions.

There's no easy way to break a divorce news to your spouse. It may come as a surprise for her.

Ya need to give her some time to wrap her brains around the decision. Let her ride the anger over ...but ... DO NOT give her hope of a reconciliation if there is none.

That is why it is best to move out.. and maintain contact in a civil and business manner.

DO NOT play the blame game. Be CIVIL about it.

Good luck.

yes, jojob. you hit the issue right on the spot.... i don't know how to break the news to her. i want out.. but i'm afraid of the repercussions.

the only different i think of us with other common couples is she don't want to talk it out. she just want it her way. she recognised her sis was in depression and seek help for her...yet she is so blinded to my depression when i've the same symptoms as her sis. i just don't know why she is so in denial of our situation and i'm unable to talk to her.

anyway, i don't want to make it sound like self-pitying or blaming her. i'm just frustrated and tired. that's all.

tare SG

u slip into depression but u have to step out of it... this alone should give u an indication how much work and effort u have to put in if u truly want a happier life.

start somewhr.... 1st, move out... give both of u time and space to evaluate the situation. and IF she still deny the fact there's issue in the marriage AFTER u move out, i think u can just mail her the seperation papers...

and please, not everyone is 'luckier' than u the worse thing u can ever do is have a pity part (cos no one will be attending, not me at least)...

GreyMeow SG

Hope i woke you up a little, love touches once and last a lifetime.. Someone taught me that once and it was a regret that woke me up and treasure my next and i hope it will ring a bell for you too.

hi Kyutake, to ans ur qns.

1. no i didn't embrace all her flaws. i didn't know all her flaws. i did try to embrace them (as you call it..but i think it's more like compromise) during our marriage but certain flaws are just too hard to embrace from my experience. guess what? i'm a perfectionist too...so i've this idealist concept that i should 'embrace my partner all flaws' since i loved her....it only make things worse as i found out...

2. i didn't know about her insecurity or didn't recognise it. i guess there were signs even before our marriage...but i didn't recognise it. it was only when i talked to a psychologist that i knew about it. (this may sound like pushing the blame...) i didn't do anything to cause her insecurity, she was like this even before marriage....or maybe i did wrong by not trying hard enough to fix her insecurity.

3. i've been asked this qns many times - why did i marry her in the first place? it just get "blurrer" and unconvincing and stupid each time i ans.

4. i'm sorry but there is no happier time....or it just hard for me to recall them now in my condition. maybe along time ago before we got married....when we just know each other.

5. is it always i did wrong b'cos i want out first? (just a qns). anyway, what did i do wrong? hmmm...not being strong when she throw her temper? not recognising her insecure behaviour? always the one compromising even though i sometime don't like it...like a hypocrite? avoiding conflicts? controlling my temper too well?

one thing to clarify - i don't hate her. i just feel empty, lifeless, hopeless, guilty and tired. that's all.

did you wake up me alittle? no, i asked myself these qns over and over in my head for countless nights.

a few of you said i still love her...maybe..or maybe it's just i feel gulity and responsible. i don't know. should i continue to love her and 'embrace' her flaws?

Kyutake - will you continue to embrace your spouse flaw for lifetime if his/her flaw is to always critizing you, puching & kicking you? i think you will since you love him/her. just my thought.

GreyMeow SG

u slip into depression but u have to step out of it... this alone should give u an indication how much work and effort u have to put in if u truly want a happier life.

and please, not everyone is 'luckier' than u the worse thing u can ever do is have a pity part (cos no one will be attending, not me at least)...

please don't take my 'luckier than me' comment seriously. it's just depression talk.

i'm not here to self-pity. honestly, i don't like ppl who self-pity too.

moving out is the toughest part b'cos it'll come as a total shock too her. she didn't even know there is a problem with the marriage. okay, she may know something but she is just denying it.

what i hope to do is to somehow let her acknowledge her insecurity...like why is she so 'clingy' to me? why is she so afraid of lack of attention for 15 mins from me? (she keep checking on me every 15 mins when we're at home but not together) why won't she allow me to have female friends? (she is even jealous my insurance agent and hairstyler are female) why is she so controlling? (she hide her insecure by flaring up easily and critizing others, making others feel small. i'm not saying me but others too), etc.

maybe there is some kind of social group that let women talk about such thing?

once, she acknowledge her problem and seek help. then maybe i can talk to her about the separation, move out and see where we go from there. maybe during separation, i may find i still love her and she love me..who knows?

« Previous Page Next Page »