I can get used to anything, except a guy

last SG · 2009-03-07T04:47:06+00:00

ha ha ha, u the fucktard ah qua never stop to draw attention to yourself. Nobody who is normal talks like you. YOu the bitch is so damn fucking fond o...

barista SG

I'm playing the angel's advocate all along.

Are there any ways to make him change ? That's what i'm harping for,all this while.

Gedanken SG

The short answer is yes, but the caveats are that you have to know what you're doing and that you're prepared to take it all the way to the end.

You're in a challenging position here. In the case of my profession, the client's already acknowledged that he or she has a problem - they wouldn't be shelling out thousands of dollars to be told how wonderful they are. Because of this, we can get right down to the business of fixing the problem.

In your case, it hasn't yet been established that there is a problem, and this could be where you'll spend the most time and energy.

From what you've written, your boyfriend's made a fundamental error in his conclusions. He says that women can't do things well because they are women. That's circular reasoning. He has offered no explanation of how characteristics unique to women cause them not to do things well.

From a Rational-Emotive perspective, the key to dealing with your boyfriend is challenging this flaw in his reasoning, with the objective being that he acknowledges how he's really full of crap and that he needs to wake up his ideas, to put it in plain English.

However, I see two key challenges for you in taking this approach.

First, you've already demonstrated that you would rather let things slide instead of taking a stand - this is why you still have this problem and why we're talking about it right now. If you're going to challenge him, you can't afford to back down or walk away because it will only serve to reinforce his belief that he is right, regardless of his lack of reasoning.

Second, I'd be concerned that you lack the resources to challenge him. As it is, with that discussion about women inventors, two obvious answers would be Marie Curie's invention of the method of isolating radium (for which she was awarded the Nobel Prize) and Bette Nesmith Graham's invention of Liquid Paper - then again, my wife tells me that I'm a goldmine of useless knowledge.

In any case, what with the relative lack of knowledge that you have described and his tendency to take advantage of that and shout you down, you're facing a real challenge in dealing with him this way.

I'm not sure how serious you guys are, but if you're looking at long-term plans, another approach to take lies in examining how his attitudes impact upon your relationship. If you guys are planning for a family, it needs to be an equal partnership and that's not going to happen as long as he believes that women can't do things well because they are women. If simply being a woman is the cause of not being able to do things well, then you're up the creek because you're a woman. Of course he'll try to argue that you're different, but that won't hold water because as a woman, you are by default subject to his purported cause of not being able to do things well. As such, by his reasoning, you will never be able to do things well, and in turn there can be no equal partnership, so what future is there? If he takes the relationship seriously enough, you'll be in a position to get him to re-examine his flawed beliefs.

Again, from what you've described, he's likely to run rings around you even with this approach because you're not prepared to challenge him and hold your ground.

Back to the original question. Can he be changed? Yes. Can you change him? Based on the evidence on hand, I can't say yes with any measure of confidence.

barista SG

In short , only a walking encyclopedia ,intelligent woman can change his mindset of big headed-ness. but it just not happens to be me. Right?

Gedanken SG

Nope. Only a capable woman will get him to revise his view that women are incapable.

Compare your conclusion to the sentence above, and you might figure out why I think you're not prepared to challenge his thinking.

barista SG

and by capable you mean ? my only clue is confidence.

Gedanken SG

By capable I mean solution-focused enough to handle whatever objections he'll throw at you.

There were two ways you could have responded to what I wrote earlier:

1) you could have taken it in, started thinking in terms of a solution and come back with questions about what you need to do to be prepared, or;
2) you could have reacted emotionally and thrown in the towel, which is what you just did.

If you're responding in this manner to what he tells you, all you're doing is reinforcing his views that women can't do things well because you're not attending to the solution. That being the case, there's even more evidence that he's simply handing you a condescending line of placation when he claims he treats you as an equal.

You don't have to be a walking encyclopaedia, you don't have to be a genius. What you have to do is stick to the issue at hand instead of chasing after red herrings.

By the way, if I recall correctly, Marie Curie's story is part of the early-secondary school science syllabus, so the walking encyclopaedia argument is a moot point in any case.

barista SG

wouldn't that be another day at work?
At the end of the day,i just want to relax,laugh heartily and be emotional .

Gedanken SG

i just want to relax,laugh heartily and be emotional .

The very existence of this thread shows that this is already not the case, does it not?

barista SG

i'm drained being with him . I'm confused whether should i be with him because i just want to enjoy my free time (without keeping my mind occupied of my thoughts of him) which i can't seem to set myself to do that anymore. I'm very unhappy being with him.

mancha SG

I'm playing the angel's advocate all along.

Are there any ways to make him change ? That's what i'm harping for,all this while.

The only way to change his opinion of women is to change him. Change him from inside, the outside world to remain as it is.

He is pissed, he thinks life is not being fair to him. He feels he should be greater than where he is now. And when he sees women who are at a level higher than him, feel inadequate, and he copes by badmouthing them.

He has to feel comfortable with himself. He has to have self esteem, as he is, and not a sense of grandiosement,

He has to develop self-confidence, else there is no way to change his views of people whom he deem to be lesser than him.

seotiblizzard SG

Finally the real reason is out. Aft so long. -.-"

Gedanken SG

Well, of course you are. A jerk like that could ruin anybody's day on a consistent basis.

Now you know what the problem is, so you may as well dump the loser and find someone who does make you happy.

ghast. SG

well what you can do is actually try to prove it to him. though i can understand, some guys are just serious hard nuts to crack, stubborn and refuse to change their mindset. and in such instance, you can rly just shrug.

barista SG

"Do you love me?"

On many occassions, the words he said and the things he do doesn't seem like he wants me by his side anymore. Is he waiting for me to pick up my things and go ? Till then , he will continue picking on me?

Sometimes, i look at him and have an inner conversation with myself , where are you? That man who loves me for who i am is gone. But yet question me with a " do you love me?" Does he still love and care for me when he ask that?

If you say he is a jerk , then i'm a bitch. I'm no perfect. I do things which he can't tolerate as well. Initially , when he was head over heels with me, everything was possible, as long as i am happy. Now, i got blame for all the shit he had to take last time.

Perhaps, the only partner who is worthy of him is someone in the same industry he is doing. ( because thats the one of the few industries that he looks up to).If his partner is doing the same thing as he does , she will probably earn him some respect. Unfortunately i'm not .Then why be with me? Or am i speculating wrongly?

Gedanken SG

Ah, familiarity breeds contempt. You've probably heard it said that relationships take work - this fellow obviously hasn't listened.

To be fair, I'd see it more of a case of his being complacent, rather than of him wanting to get rid of you.

If you say he is a jerk , then i'm a bitch. I'm no perfect.

Confucius say two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do.

He's a jerk, regardless of what you're like. That's all that's relevant here.

Initially , when he was head over heels with me, everything was possible, as long as i am happy. Now, i got blame for all the shit he had to take last time.

Again, complacency and familiarity breeding contempt.

Now here's an interesting point. Is he supposed to be with you for who you are, or for what you are?

barista SG

As i'm the easily influenced, i agree with what you say.

When we're in a heated argument which can't seem to come to a solution , i do have thoughts of giving it up.

Come to think of it, he does most of the talking ... on and on.. sometimes, i was there keeping up with the first half of his grievances , but for the 2nd half, it gets too tiring to even response, i can only see his mouth moving.

Sometimes,i would imagine he is telling a joke and his funny faces... when i woke" up, he is still there, grumbling about all the things he had sacrificed for me. It felt like years had passed me by and i stood there looking at how a year had passed me by, motionless. I was thinking " unless i change to become what he wants me to be which is everything that i am not now , or we will always be in this state.No. Or even if i changed to become what he wants me to be, we will still be in this state. Because, expectations are ever changing.

I don't know why, but i still feel the excitement when he smiles at me and calls me darling. Or the thought of how he used to be there and make all things possible for me.

I don't go out with other guys anymore, since he emphasized it's not right to be going out with guys who likes me. Now, barely anyone of their contacts still exist in my mobile. Other than my boss whom i work closely with.

Is it still possible for him to be head over heels with me again? I always thought this solves everything(or does it?), as long as he is still very interested in me, no matter how bad the relationship is , a willing mind will turn it all around.

BadzMaro SG

Sometimes it gets so frustrating talking to him. But 我忍。
He looks down on females so much , it gets to my nerves. Yes,I'm talking about the male chauvinist boyfriend.
There are females in his company who are VPs , MDs, AVPs .
To that, he will say "oh they are useless, they can't do anything right. They don't even know what's going on, they only make matters worse etc and because they are females that's why couldn't do things well. " Of course there are female bosses who are not very useful to the coy but It just boils inside me when the view points he makes is so sexist and disrespectful.
Eg, we are on the topic of engineering.. he mentioned about his girl friend taking engineering in uni because her results are too poor to get into business course. He will go on, alot of people who are in engineering (he is in business) have no choice but to choose engin because their results are too bad to enter business school.
I was quite surprised and replied, that's true but there must be some who really likes engineering and think that's the course for them
He: Oh but never the girls. I've never seen girls who are good in engin. It's always the guys who are better and even in business school it's the guys as well.
Me: but there must be females who scores well too
He: It's so rare that i've never met one. Oh and anyway ,are there any great inventors who are females ?
I can't think of any in the older days so i kept quiet.. to that he raised his voice, "none! "
I used to complain about my work as well but due to his incessant negative views on females' cabability, i just hate to share my woes with him anymore.
By the way, i am earning as much as he does although he is a degree grad and i'm a diploma holder. And i'm 8 years younger than him.
We have been living with each other for coming two years.

Is it really common still for guys to have this kind of thinking nowadays? SHould i just shrug my shoulders each time he does it again or should i better make my move from him if i want some respect?

I really cant seefor fuk!

Is it me.. or are all the fonts so small. LOL!

Now u see me!

now u kinda dont see me.

00011000 SG

barista

no need for you to save space for us or for the mod, really no need.

parn SG

As i'm the easily influenced, i agree with what you say.

When we're in a heated argument which can't seem to come to a solution , i do have thoughts of giving it up.

I don't know why, but i still feel the excitement when he smiles at me and calls me darling. Or the thought of how he used to be there and make all things possible for me.

Yes it is possible, but you will need to change and make yourself more attractive to him again.

The problem is usually because he has already gotten used to you, who you are, how you think, your behaviour, what you think of him....and etc.

Be someone different for the betterment of your current dull and boring relationship, and attract him to go after you again.

Since he is not changing, which makes you easier to attract him once more. You should know how he thinks, what he likes, his behaviour, his opinions about you...and etc.

Change and spark an interest in his heart once more.

Most people would start changing from appearances but I would suggest you to start changing from who you are and play with his mind SEXUALLY for goodness sake!

Read his mind and surprise him so that you can confuse him utterly in between your submissive-ness and dominatrix behaviour. Submit and Deny him then give in to him!

Remember, be sensual....if your man doesn't burn with deep desires for you inside his heart, then you have FAILED TERRIBLY as a woman.

Denied but Ruthless Temptations are probably the most powerful behaviour ever to be developed by women to be use to dominate men.

Forget about who you are right now, it doesn't matters anymore because you are going to CHANGE.

If you don't know what you need to do, then you should knock your head against the wall and then sit down and think about the MEN you knew and their deep desires about WOMEN.

Snookerlover SG

Is it my eyes or the font size?

Wah piang, my eyes needs a magnifying glass le.

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