I have been going with my man for nearly two years. When I first
saw him, it was love at first sight. While he didn't fall in love
with me at first sight, he eventually came to love me very, very
much. Probably even more than what I do. We were happy together
till recently. We have been planning to get married. But now
neither of us dare to mention the words "getting married". I have
been losing my temper at him easily. I get mad at him over silly
things like he going to sleep before me.
My anger is quick to rise, but it dissipates just as quickly.
After the anger is gone, all I am left is a cold, sinking sense of
regret that incapacitates me. I will regret so intensely, I get
sharp stomache pains as I keep asking myself why did I get upset
over something so useless and minor?
Recently, there was a death in my family. Whilst my relative was
in hospital, my man did not come to visit her. He only came when I
avoided his calls and SMSes for two days. I was angry with him for
choosing to attend some girl's graduation over coming over to visit
my dying relative. When he called me that evening, he tried to tell
me about his day. I cut him off saying that I wasn't interested. In
my mind all I could see what how he was having a frolicking good
time with some unnamed girl while I was alone facing dark
times.
He reiterated that he DID NOT enjoy himself and was called into
the event against his will. I am less angry over that now as I was
a few weeks back. My anger spurred from my belief that he had fun.
Note, it was MY belief that he had fun. The truth did not, and
hardly mean anything to me. All I believe is what I think is
true.
I wonder why I do not believe him. Not that he has been
untrustworthy or ever had something to hide. I seem desperate to
find something, some crack in his armour. But I DO draw the line at
reading his emails and all other private data.
Deep in my heart, and when I am fervently regretting after
losing my temper, I do know that he is a fine man. A man with a
gentle, kind heart and patience. A man who never dreamt about
leaving me even when I am at my worst. A man who all my friends and
family love so much. I crave his company and his presence all time.
I choke up as I write these words. I do not hate my man, but why do
I treat him with such malice?
Perhaps it will be worthy to share this other incident. A year
ago, my man and I met with a mishap at sea. We were having fun
dashing under the waves and jumping in the water when the tide rose
suddenly and a riptide pulled us further out into deeper waters. I
clung onto my man's hand tightly, telling him to stick together.
But the waves crashed on us relentlessly. He was knocked towards
shore by a swollen wave, while I sunk under. When I miraculously
floated to the surface, I saw him getting rescued by a surfer some
hundred metres ahead of me. I screamed till I went hoarse for him
to not leave me behind, to save me. But he was too far to help me
or save me.
With that realisation, I employed all my art to keeping alive.
Soon enough, I managed to get the attention of some surfers and got
rescued. I came back to shore wailing rather hoarsely how my man
left me to die. I know he did not leave me to die, he had no
choice. But I used that notion to fuel me and keep me alive while
facing the rough sea, literally. A year after, I harbour no hate or
disgruntlement towards him. But I wonder if it has any impact on
the appearance of my irrational behaviour? Or maybe it is nothing
so far drawn, perhaps it is just plain bad attitude on my part. But
I must emphasise that I was never like that before.
I am in between jobs. I have been immensely stressed by my
current job and planning to move to another. I am trying to secure
another job, but it is hard as the market is soft.
I am feeling the urgency to get to the root of this vile
emotional affliction. even the most patient man will break. My man
is getting worn out. Perhaps like other people out there, I am
living in fear too. I fear losing him. I fear that I will drown in
the regret because I KNOW if he leaves me, it is because of me, my
stinking attitude and pride.
As I mentioned before, even when I am at my worst, my man never
brought up the notion of going separate ways. He believes in being
content with what he has and that the next relationship he gets
into may not be as good as what he has now. Is he living in fear?
Or is he stoic?
Please tell me what to do. How can I save my relationship?
I just came back home and is fringing tired.
But I felt that I just had to reply to this:
There are different shades of attitude in Love and although your
attitude might seemed to fall under the irony principle of love
(CloUdism states irony as the closer you are to a person, the
lesser he/she will receive in positive treatment) or even
superficial issues like expectation and demands; imho, it's more
likely that it belongs to an episode of an unresolved knot (from
the day you were nearly drowned) that is subconsciously triggering
this periodic burst-fire.
As much as you would believe that you harbor no hatred or
resentment towards him - the truth is that this knot is
crystallized after the day you felt abandoned by him. You must
understand that the realm of the mind and the heart rationalize
situation differently. In the complex world of emotions, the
feelings are often concluded through clouded judgement of
irrationality that does not calculate returns at any given point of
situation. Remarkably, this is the direct opposite of how the mind
would function.
Like a cake, albeit the icing of hatred and resentment are
neutralized through logical analysis of the actual circumstances,
but your emotions have not been mollify through deep communication
and left to decompose the core within. You probably have not had a
real dialogue about this or even cried your heart out in a
open-ended fashion to dissolve this knot, like how heat is applied
to ice - thus it's probably still there and likely to manifest as
latent effect. I will show you how:
You mentioned that you were never like that before and wondered
why - this is a clear suggestion that much of this grievances were
pushed into the unconscious mind forcefully (from the time you were
wailing at the beach), only to flashback occasionally towards
scenario that seemed to mimic situations of abandonment or
suggestive disloyalty (the truth of intention doesn't matter).
Every time that connection is made, your unconscious mind
overwhelmed your emotions and automatically amplifies your woe
astronomically to justify the execution of rage and anger.
Only when you regain control consciously, would peace
arrive.
And so does the guilt.
When ill feelings solidify over time, it degenerate your
relationship and becomes difficult to eradicate specifically.
***
I will breakdown what I meant above through one simple example you
have wrote:
Scenario: Angry over him sleeping before you
Symbolic action: Emotional mind read as self before Love.
Flashblack: Abandonment at sea, too, read as self before
Love.
Connection is established
Cosmic lesson is triggered: Examination revealed lessons not
mastered and result in reiteration.
Behaviour: Rage.
Conscious mind resumed control:
Behaviour: rationalized calm returns.
***
If you study the above flow, the ability to
manipulate lies with the cosmic lesson phase. Because how you
manage this learning, adjust the way you set your perception and
attitude towards any random situation and allow you the opportunity
to avoid triggering them.
But in order to do that, you probably need to first trash out
all the unspoken thoughts and feelings you have when you were
assailed with thoughts of abandonment by him at the mishap. For the
trashing session to be effectively, you would need to release
everything completely - so drop all motes of rationality,
regardless of how unreasonable you think you would be; just open
floodgate and release.
Then after laying down everything, clarify what you need to and
mend your relationship by forging new cause and direction.
Sometimes in Love, appeasing the mind is not enough - your heart
might need some comfort and assuring.
P.S: Latent effect can be destructive. You might just end up
losing your man if you continue in this manner; might as well learn
to create a new path by transgressing status quo and advance
forward.
Cheers
