Irrational push and pull effect

Detached SG

Ok we have a good nature.

This whole discussion on whether if we're born good or bad proved to be futile; right now, our attention should be on TS. That was just some bad-timed humor, forgive me

codexboy SG

could it be that in the face of marriage you have doubts about whether he is the right one, most probably theres nothing bad about him its just you feeling insecure, like how some people when buying the electronic gadgets, they scrutinise it trying to find flaws althpugh they know that its the perfect fit, and they really want it.....its sort of your subconciousness trying to reassure you that this guy is right by doing a comfirmation check for any flaws + the stress you are facing making you short fused

ulquiorra87 SG

You seem like a person who acts on his/her emotions at the spur of the moment, as if your actions are out of the range of your control. Emotions are a good source of feedback, but are the least reliable guide for action. Regain intellectual control of yourself and don't act on your emotions. you seem to be engaged in self sabotaging behaviour too so this would be especially applicable for you.

Don't let your emotions guide your actions. Listen to your emotions, yes, then consciously choose the actions your rational self would think is best for you both.

Evangel SG

Overly emotional women simply turns off men, our patience always have a limit.

in fact, we fear them

CrabbyShaSha SG

Dear PurplePapaya,

I've gone through what you wrote again. Allow me to give you my opinions using what you wrote. Do consider if any points seem valid and discard whatever doesn't applies to you.

Words in bold are my opinions and suggestions.

I have been going with my man for nearly two years. When I first saw him, it was love at first sight. While he didn't fall in love with me at first sight, he eventually came to love me very, very much. Probably even more than what I do. We were happy together till recently. We have been planning to get married. But now neither of us dare to mention the words "getting married". I have been losing my temper at him easily. I get mad at him over silly things like he going to sleep before me.

My anger is quick to rise, but it dissipates just as quickly. After the anger is gone, all I am left is a cold, sinking sense of regret that incapacitates me. I will regret so intensely, I get sharp stomache pains as I keep asking myself why did I get upset over something so useless and minor?

Recently, there was a death in my family. Whilst my relative was in hospital, my man did not come to visit her. He only came when I avoided his calls and SMSes for two days. I was angry with him for choosing to attend some girl's graduation over coming over to visit my dying relative. When he called me that evening, he tried to tell me about his day. I cut him off saying that I wasn't interested (Prep him before any argument comes up again. During your logical and calm state of mind, tell him that whenever you are upset at him, explanation is the last thing you need from him. Tell him that he needs to understand that when you are upset, you are just caught up in your state of emotions. And regardless of what you say, it has nothing to do with him. He would be able to help you most by being patient and assuring and holding you there when you are upset. You would need him to be very sure of your love for him and TRUST that you are just going through a spate.) In my mind all I could see what how he was having a frolicking good time with some unnamed girl while I was alone facing dark times.

He reiterated that he DID NOT enjoy himself (You need him to withold his explanation until you have express out your upset feelings. As much as he has a valid reason, you also have a right to feel upset because you FEEL your emotions. This needs to be expressed before it fester. You NEED his help to be patient on this stance. Explanation should come later after you are done dealing with your upset feelings. Remember, upset feelings are not logical. Neither you nor your man should expect logic from that too.) and was called into the event against his will. I am less angry over that now as I was a few weeks back (This is after you had calmed down after venting out your upset feelings). My anger spurred from my belief (at that illogical emotional moment) that he had fun. Note, it was MY belief that he had fun. The truth did not, and hardly mean anything to me. All I believe is what I think is true.

I wonder why I do not believe him (at that moment ONLY; reassure yourself and him that it is TEMPORARY). Not that he has been untrustworthy or ever had something to hide. I seem desperate to find something, some crack in his armour. But I DO draw the line at reading his emails and all other private data.

Deep in my heart, and when I am fervently regretting after losing my temper, I do know that he is a fine man. A man with a gentle, kind heart and patience. A man who never dreamt about leaving me even when I am at my worst. A man who all my friends and family love so much. I crave his company and his presence all time. I choke up as I write these words. I do not hate my man, but why do I treat him with such malice? (You do not feel safe to express the more emotional side of you. You pride yourself as someone practical, logical and too smart for "unreasonable" emotions. However, the more you suppress yourself, the more your "unreasonable" emotions catch you by surprise because you deny that vulnerable part of you. Learn to accept that you need help at times. You have most probably been shamed into covering up your emotions during growing up and this has carried over into your adulthood as much as you don't think much of it. You might not have been aware anyway because the daily living and intricacies of life have absorbed most of your attention. You are stressed because you cannot let go and inevitably, it adds stress to your relationships. Ironically, the more that you try to accept everything with "grace", the more tense you get because you had not been able to truly "accept". Your body and emotions are telling you to relax by showing you signs. Learn to trust your man more and lean on him more. Do not think that you are a burden to anyone, because ironically, the more you try to "wing" everything, the worse of you surface. Paradoxically, the more you learn to let go, the more cheery part of you will emerge when you can trust that others will help, especially your man, and when you allow him to.)

Perhaps it will be worthy to share this other incident. A year ago, my man and I met with a mishap at sea. We were having fun dashing under the waves and jumping in the water when the tide rose suddenly and a riptide pulled us further out into deeper waters. I clung onto my man's hand tightly, telling him to stick together. But the waves crashed on us relentlessly. He was knocked towards shore by a swollen wave, while I sunk under. When I miraculously floated to the surface, I saw him getting rescued by a surfer some hundred metres ahead of me. I screamed till I went hoarse for him to not leave me behind, to save me. But he was too far to help me or save me.

With that realisation, I employed all my art to keeping alive. Soon enough, I managed to get the attention of some surfers and got rescued. I came back to shore wailing rather hoarsely how my man left me to die. I know he did not leave me to die, he had no choice. But I used that notion to fuel me and keep me alive while facing the rough sea, literally. A year after, I harbour no hate or disgruntlement towards him. But I wonder if it has any impact on the appearance of my irrational behaviour? Or maybe it is nothing so far drawn, perhaps it is just plain bad attitude on my part (your "logical" rationalizing is going to further add more stress to you if you have not come to realize that your outburst is natural. The more you force yourself to think that you had a bad attitude, the more guilty you feel. And the more guilty you feel, the more you deny your need to feel upset. And the more you deny, the more frequent or deeper your outburst. It's a vicious cycle unless you learn to identify the crux of the problem). But I must emphasise that I was never like that before.

I am in between jobs. I have been immensely stressed by my current job and planning to move to another. I am trying to secure another job, but it is hard as the market is soft.

I am feeling the urgency to get to the root of this vile emotional affliction. even the most patient man will break (people do tend to think the worst when they make no head nor tail of situation. That is why understanding is so important. When it is all clear that no malice is involved, people will tend to be very giving instead). My man is getting worn out. Perhaps like other people out there, I am living in fear too (the "unexplainable" situation leaves you more and more drained and more and more insecure as your logical brain finds no "logical" answer to all that has happened). I fear losing him. I fear that I will drown in the regret because I KNOW if he leaves me, it is because of me, my stinking attitude and pride.

As I mentioned before, even when I am at my worst, my man never brought up the notion of going separate ways. He believes in being content with what he has and that the next relationship he gets into may not be as good as what he has now. Is he living in fear? Or is he stoic? (I think it is wiser to focus on yourself first rather than thinking about everyone around you. Only when you are assured, relaxed and able to put your trust and ACCEPT THE LOVE and help from your loved ones do your loved ones really benefit at all. Do not be bashful about asking for help too. Sometimes it's not that your guy is not willing to help, it's just that you did not ask him and he didn't know. Do not feel ashamed or any less loved because you do so. Ask as MUCH as you NEED. Allow yourself to be indulged, pampered, cuddled and loved).

Please tell me what to do. How can I save my relationship? (Focus on yourself first. Pamper yourself a little even in face of all uncertainties. ALLOW yourself to TRUST your man since you did mention that deep in your heart, you know that he is a fine man. It's not just enough knowing. Did you show it with your trust too?)

Disclaimer: the above is not a replacement for professional counselling.

mancha SG

i would dump you like a rock too hot to hold….you may realise your own failings, particularly your awful temper…what you don’t know is how a man feels whenever his bitch throws a hissy fit…..i’ve been through one and it was hell….i don’t know what or how you can better yourself but if you want to know how a man feels, i can honestly tell you it sucks really bad…if you get a chance, record yourself when you go though one of those hormonal imbalance fits and review it afterwards, you’ll want to dig a hole to crawl into…....

Overly emotional women simply turns off men, our patience always have a limit.

in fact, we fear them

er...gender of TS not known.

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