It was first love, so innocent and pure. The type you'd know
that this was the ONE and you would sacifice anything, the time,
the money even your life for it to flourish. 2.5 years of endless
devotion, can to an abrupt end one day. She was kind to let me down
easy, tried to explain it was her fault and even to "scold" her if
i was unhappy. Being the teenage egoistic male filled with pride
and never to "lose face" in a situation like this, i consented that
it was ok. She even explained that if she wasn't the one i was
intending to marry, it would have to end somewhere. I agreed and we
parted.
Unknowing the her, i was totally devestated by this. My whole
world from everything i knew, did and believed in was suddenly
taken away. The life in me was drained, and there was this hugh
"love" vacuum to be filled. I got attached again but this
relationship had to be ended by me, as i finally realized that it
was unfair of me to love somebody for the wrong reasons. I didn't
know how to love again, the sameway i had always knew.I lived my
life, more careful of my feelings, more reserved. Never being able
to commit myself.
Time passes by and i live my life . Now and then the memories do
resurface and haunt me. Sometimes, out of the blue, i dream of her,
and it totally destabilizes the day for me. One such day happened 5
years ago, out of curiosity, i went to search ROM and to my
"surprise" i found that she had registered about 2 years ago.
I felt there was no point in waiting anymore. Deep
inside i was hoping for something to happen despite not
having contact for ~8 years. Within a month, i proposed to my
current girlfriend and we got married the subsequent year.
Just yesterday (~15 years since), i stumbled upon her facebook
entry. Being a private one, i could see her together with her
daugher. Something deep inside starts to rekindle, some emotions
that makes me feel uneasy. I've been off center for the last 24
hrs. I'm really happy for her and bear no grudges as i should have
matured through all this time. But there is something deep inside
me that has made me feel uneasy. Something i think i should have
said on that fateful breakup day or sometime sooner. I know it
sounds ridiculous to be hoping for anything now, and i'm not. I
myself have a daughter and she means the world to me and i would
never do anything to hurt her.
But there is something in my soul that needs addressing,
something that i have to address before i depart from this planet.
I just need to tell her (without any hope or agenda) that "I really
loved you. I lied then about you not being the one not to marry,
cos it was the exact opposite, you were my life and that was always
in my mind for that to happen. Cos not letting you know for all
this time has been killing me".
I feel that i have to seal this chapter in my life, which was
never really closed for 15 years. But then again it sounds crazy to
contact someone who you've not contacted for 15 years and say this.
Now that our lives have moved on.
What should i do??
P.S. If any of you had watch "Love actually",
i can truely relate to the character Mark that is secretly in love
with Kiera knightley's character, but didn't have the courage to
tell her, because as he says "its a self preservation thing". Not
allowing himself to succumb to the despair of knowing that they can
never be together. Kiera married his best friend.
I find it
extremely disturbing to hear stories of how an individual would so
absurdly delude their ideology of a perfect love by equating it to
a proposed fantasy figure, just simply because the feelings were
the most intensive and the 'I-know-she-is-the-one.' false
prophesy.
This karmic relationship is
nothing but fatuous love.
All this emotional misery is
caused by the seemingly unbreakable attachment and bondage
to this karmic relationship that is wholesomely one sided and
narcissistic. In tarot, the Devil best represents the condition of
such relationship.
There is so much self conjuration
of melodrama - filled with narcissism and disillusionment.
I think it's doleful to see people
with perfectly nice marriages saying that their greatest failure in
love is never having to marry or continue a relationship with ‘That
One' till the very end. That loose equivalent of a soul mate, first
love, best love, or whatever you termed it, gets
mistaken for
everything from infatuation to lust to an excuse for stalking,
obsession, domestic violence and the what's not.
And the incredible thing is that
people seek to find strength in corroborating this afflicted
mindset through media, movies, music, books or simply taking
selective perspective and biased conclusion whenever they listened
to people’s stories and reaffirmed this one-sided view on their
take of their own relationship.
I have seen first hand, people
grouping together as they howled in pain by reminiscing and
negatively strengthening their false love identity with their
fantasy figure/s - even fate has blatantly revealed that he/she has
no more greater plans in their lives.
This is crazy! How depressing
would it be for your wife, who have given her heart to you through
love and marriage, only to discover that she is but a second class
citizen to another person, which time should have disintegrate her
presence into the pages of history in your lifespan and shrine of
memory.
This is not merely a commentary
point of view because I walked through similar path and ate the
same shit, albeit now it still affects me occasionally. The only
difference between you and I is that I transformed this regret into
perfecting my soul and cultivate deeper understanding in
Love.
I took the spiritual path towards
enlightenment in Love and pen down my discovery in my own book and
gradually see myself grow from my own encounters.
I recalled writing this
phenomenon in CloUdiSm under Ritual Closure – people who are unable
to seal certain chapter in love, despite the passing of time, and
seek to attempt some form of ‘ritual-like’ action or behavior to
conclude episode/s. You reckoned that there is this need for you to
go up to her and tell her that you really loved her back then and
what you said fifteen years ago is nothing but a lie and all that
stuff – this is your attempt at weaving the ‘ritual’ to process a
closure for that chapter.
But what you are blinded to see
is that her presence in your life has absolutely nothing to do with
or without knowing that you truly loved her back then.
The real gist of
that entire scenario functions as an expedient means to reveal that
one should treasure our love ones every single moment in life and
that one must never fetter the purest form of self expression in
love!
Fifteen years and that
foolishness carried on without any attempt at clarification or
enlightenment. True as I have wrote about seven years ago, ‘Love
has absolutely nothing to do with our chronological age.’ In fact,
our judgment in Love is often clouded, not by reasoning, but by the
lack of wisdom to perceive our situation holistically in love and
relationship, which fuels our misery and suffering.
There is no such thing as a
perfect lover – only imperfect people attempting to forge a perfect
relationship. As what I have told BaByBoy – you must learn to release
yourself from this emotional imprisonment because this option is
only available to you from within. Nobody or
nothing can make you realise this other than yourself.
Cheers
