Hi everyone. i had posted a few times earlier. dunno if u guys
remember me. but anyway i am back once again to seek some clarity
in confronting my problems. hope i can get some feedback from the
different people and their views. :)
Me and my gf have been together for like 6 yrs now. during this
6 yrs we had our ups and downs and we broke up 3 times before. each
time after the break up, i got into a rebound relationship where i
enjoyed the company of the new gal but never did i love them.
nevertheless i did my utmost best for the gals giving most of my
time. but each time whenever the one i truly love(my gf let's call
her 'A") contacts me, we actually patched back because we missed
each other alot. i am actually of a different race from my gf. my
gf is chinese and she has been my first gf ever. The first time we
broke up was because after 3 yrs of being together with her, she
persistently sought a breakup as the solution to our problems. i
had endured enough for the 3 yrs and just after
an accident i went through, she asked for a break up yet
again. this time i complied because i decided i had enough.
A month after this, i had another gf 'E' who i had lots of
fun with. she brought a new meaning to my life because i was
enjoying getting to know another gal. i had previously devoted my
self n time to just 'A' and didnt mix with other gals at all. but i
was unhappy deep down in my heart because i knew 'E' was never
gonna be the gal i am going to settle down with. and finally 3
months after being with 'E' i mustered the courage to break up with
'E' and reconciled with 'A' after 'A' had gotten into contact with
me. (i admit i am a soft hearted person where i can take care
of a person and am prepared to live with the person and take care
with her even though i do not like her. it's due to my stupid
feeling of being responsible for my actions) that's why i say
that i mustered the courage to break up with 'E'
because 'E' was a very good and nice gal. she never angered me nor
showed any signs of bad temperedness that 'A' exhibited. but still
i left her n got back with 'A'
After getting back with 'A' i realised that things were never
going to be the same. i tried as much as i could but i just took
the relationship for granted. i never wanted to see her as much as
i used to want to see her. i just enjoyed the intimacy that we had
and also the fact of having someone whom i loved beside me. also
during the breakup prior to this, i got into contact with many gals
and realised that there is a whole wide sea out there. there are
indeed so many gals who are better than 'A' and i wanted to make as
many female frenz as i could. i didnt wanna be stuck in the same
situation as to hafing a frenz circle with no gals in them at all
again. so i kept in touch with all the gals i made frenz with. i
didnt like them but just u know, keep in touch and the occasional
lunch/dinner kinda thing.
My gf 'A' was extremely unhappy that i wasn't giving my all in
the relationship. i admitted to her that i couldnt give my all
after what had happened and that i will try my best to spend time
with her. but that wasnt enuf for her. she wanted me to stop my
clubbings(with guy group..no gals inside and my gf A knows my 2 guy
frenz). she says that i will be stolen by other gals. to me, i am
an average person and being from the minor race, i dun fancy anyone
of my race and also the chance of me getting together with ANOTHER
chinese gal is extremely slim and so i told her not to be afraid.
despite that 'A' was still worried and would follow me on my
clubbing sessions. one day on my bday, she got so angry that a gal
was dancing with me when i swear that i didn't. the gal who was
dancing close to me was a fren who was dancing with ANOTHER gal.
this set up another storm of fights between her n me. even my fren
who wasnt drunk vouched for me that i DID NOT dance with any other
gal. so after those arguments we broke up again.
after this breakup, 2 months later i got involved with another
gal of the same race as me. again i felt very unhappy and this gal
'G' had a bf who she was not happy with also. so we spent much time
together. i told myself that i will leave when i find someone who i
really love and i hope that it had better be soon. 'G' had also
told me that she liked this relationship to be open in the sense
that either of us could leave anytime and we would respect the
other party's decision. 4 months later, G and me broke up because i
could not stand the idea of 'sharing' her with another guy because
when her actual bf was ard i could not contact her. her promise of
choosing either one of us was also taking a longer time than she
said so i decided to end it. i felt good about it because i knew
she was not who i loved.
suddenly by god's grace, the very next day, 'A' contacted me
saying that she was drunk and asked if i could send her home. after
like 6 months of no contact, i decided that i shall go and see the
one whom i really loved. after sending her home, she confided that
she loved me alot (in a sober state of course) and that she has
never chosen anyone else despite our breaking up for so long. (she
is a very pretty gal being sought after by many many guys) so we
got back together. things were fine at first. she really had
changed for the better by so much! she was very mild tempered. she
was very into her new found religion. but she never trusted me. she
was always suspecting that i was chatting up other gals etc. yes
it's true that i do chat on the irc and msn. i haf tons of contacts
whom i do not know and am just a virtual fren with to them. so
whenever ppl have problems i tend to lend a listening ear to
them.
there was this once where this gal was having prob and i told
her that not to worry so much. even me haf a gf but i am not happy
in the relationship. there are many ppl out there who are much
better than her ex-bf etc etc. and my gf stumbled about thissaved
msn chatlog. we argued abt it and i told her that i was only
coaxing the gal. why didnt she read all those other msn msgs where
i so happily told to all my frenz that i patched back with my gf n
i really love her alot etc etc. from then on after seeing that msg
she has never trusted me.
she will always read my frenster msgs and get angry whenever i
add any gal. when she asks me why i did tat, i just tell her that i
do not know the gal at all. which is true. i just add becoz she
added me. is this wrong?.even the status of being 'single' in
frenster got her angry. but i put as 'single' becoz we always break
up n reconcile. whenever i change everyone in my list knows what
happens and my lifestory become public. i hate that and so i
decided to leave it as 'single' forever. this one also is wrong in
her eyes.!!! anyway after having so much problems with
frenster i deleted it away for her. the latest problem was today
when i tried to get a client for my brother.(this client is my fren
whom my gf 'A' and me and her together with another 5 frenz
went ktv singing togther on friday) in doing so, she read
a conversation sms i had with another female fren. in it i
playfully told my female fren liek this "ya lor.. i msg her coz she
wan buy thing from my brother wat. u wanna buy thing from my
bro meh? thats y no msg u but msg her instead. no la.actaully
i love her i just realised today. thats why i msg her. haha" i and
my fren always tok like this.. but my gf upon seeing this sms she
got angry. and she started showing me face and wanted to break
up again. i started to coax her and i could see that she was really
very tired of being in this relationship. i tried
explaining myself that if i did have anything to hide i will
not even be keeping that msg in my hp. in fact i should be the one
doubting her because she is the one who is in sales and always haf
customers sending her lovey dovey gdnite msgs. but i have
never doubted her nor always check her hp. but she always do this
to me.
now i am in a predicament. i dun wanna continue arguing all the
time. but i also do not wanna break up. and i am always the
playful type who will joke and tok alot to gals infront of my
gf. i feel that toking in front of her means that i got nothing to
hide. even so, those gals all know that my gf is there with
me. and i am really tired of always not earning my gf's
trust. she never trusts me and it seems that checking on my
email,frenster,hp is becoming a daily affair. so can someone
pls tell me what i should do? and she always thinks that i haf alot
of gals going after me when in fact most of my free time is spent
with her.
is leaving her the right thing to do? in that sense,
she will haf a chance to learn to trust another person
who might become her bf. because she never trusts me so when
we get married this will certainly pose a big problem.
but if we breakup i am damn sure that i will be very
unhappy. i dun even think i can learn to love another person again.
i just wanna study and earn more money now. btw i am 26 and my gf
is coming to 25 so pls dun think we are those small boy small gal
dunno how to think and get into love etc.
i thank those for giving constructive points for my complicated
relationship.
Interestingly,
there are also significant percentage of people in their late
adulthood, suffering from what you deemed as 'small boy small gal'
problems, especially when earlier stages of love development wasn't
mastered or completely avoided by the individual. And apparently,
your relationship is not even close to harvest, despite, surpassing
the age of adolescent, having full autonomy of your personal life
and leading a relationship of six years.
What I am trying to bring across
is that our understanding in Love and our chronological age can be
quite mutually exclusive.
Also, I would like you to
understand that Love doesn't flow in a linear format, dictated
superficially merely by the length of time. The eventful journey in
which you have arrived at - is largely due to the cause set by your
past circumstances, which tripled in strength and smashing you with
karmic crisis after crisis, because they is a blatant lack of
wisdom, in aspect of Love and relationship.
Because she is your first love,
chances are, you will always have a soft spot for her. Enduring
initial three years of nonsense might have seemed to be a long
frame of misery, but not when your world only revolves around her.
Problem only comes after you gain this short independence - you
start to realize that the world is larger than what you could ever
imagine.
This discovery is like a
overstretched rubber band that cannot restore itself back to its
original shape because there are indeed many fishes in the pond and
there is absolutely no way you can now delete that knowledge. There
is a distinctive kind of 'damage' dealt to your emotional self and
your overall experience in Love, just like a kid who has been
barred from playing outside his house. Upon first breath of freedom
out of his house, he will run straight towards the soccer ball that
has been lying outside the field all these while (as he has been
observing quietly through the window while remaining 'captive'
inside the house).
This is exactly what you did; you
entered into meaningless relationship for relative comfort and
happiness upon hasty exit of your previous relationship. Also,
there is a gnawing fear infesting within your soul, you actively
kept a horde of female friends, subconsciously forming a kind of
'safety net' because fear has taught you not to entrust your world
to just one person.
Can you love without
trust?
Surely, your fear is dominating
you much more than you realize - it has probably transformed into a
phobia. You will probably panic the minute you do not feel
'alternatives' around you. Don’t get me wrong; it's actually
healthy to keep friends of both genders, even if you are in a
relationship, but the difference lies in your mindset in adopting
female friends. And it has nothing to do with whether you are
interested in them or not; the reason why your relationship never
walked out of turmoil upon second and third patch is because you
remained uncommitted yourself.
The act of constant sourcing
reveals your inability to remain committed to YOURSELF, yet
subconsciously demanding this quality from your other half, in face
of your relationship. This creates a inevitable distance and
pressure on your relationship, creating more suspicion and mistrust
in her attitude towards you. Then when you sense
her wrath of god every other occasion, it actually fuel your self
fulfilling prophesy in NOT having to invest commitment to just one
individual, while you rationalize that you did not cheat her in any
ways.
This is actually
bi-directional.
Your flippant ways triggered her
insecurity and caused her to lock her grip on you. In response,
your fear to be imprisoned is triggered and you constantly
shape-shift your position to resolve this fear of being blinded to
only one person.
Why would I claim that you are
uncommitted, yet demanding commitment from your partner
subconsciously? Upon careful examination in your relationship with
G; you have shown an intolerance towards this her natural MIA
whenever G is with her bf. Take note that the clauses you have set
for yourself are mutually agreed, that this is an open
relationship, yet you are unable to stomach this very set of rules
you have lay down.
If you noticed, after the intense
break up after the clubbing incident, you attracted G, whom is also
non-committed herself. This is a reflection of an old law in
CloUdiSm, where we attract the quality we exude. Simply put, if you
are uncommitted, you attract uncommitted partners. And I must
stress that 'commitment' doesn't mean that you are promiscuous and
cheat on your other half - it simply means that you find it arduous
to meld into love, holding conscious, deliberate
reservation.
You adamantly felt that she is
the only one you will love and stubbornly decide that no one else
can give you happiness. Ironically, I don't see you being very
happy in your relationship right now though.
Do something right for once;
should you decide to break off, do it neat and don't ever look back
to patch for the fourth/fifth/sixth times.
You are probably just delaying
the inevitable.
But if you are bend on staying,
then you really got to talk about this love and fear that has been
circulating throughout your six years relationship. Lay terms and
adjust what you and her ought to should do to allay the stress on
this relationship. She is probably just as unhappy as yourself, so
make it a point to discuss the root of this unhappiness and seek a
mutual solution to dissolve this.
Chances are, she doesn't feel
that you are spending most of your free time with her. And chances
are, you don't really understand her phobia in seeing you walk away
from the relationship (it is likely a self fulfilling prophesy on
her end and now she is paying through her misery as this
relationship has already 'walked out' on her three times). Since
you have said that this is not a 'small boy small girl' problem -
then learn to exercise some maturity and wisdom in ending your
plight once and for all (be it leaving or staying).
Cheers