Advice greatly needed!

aicuole SG

I hope so but sometimes things cant be controlled... It will be unfair to her if she committed so much and I didnt do my part. For commitment like coming to sg again in christmas and next year CNY, she suppose to go back to her country and visit her family, instead she told them that she cant go next year.. why? because she wanted to come sg again to visit mine instead. Of course, she still send money over for her family, she is filial though.

But frankly speaking of me not committed myself to her, i wont want to let her down as she had gone through shit once.. i dont want to be the second one.

What if i tell you she suggest that we going to ROM to have our status of married there in term of law... cant say she didnt committed herself right? Though i felt that it's still early for us to say this... but let just see after 2 years she came to sg permanantly.

The thing is they live in different district, she have to go all the way by taking few hours bullet train in order to see him.. i dont see any need of getting warmth by traveling for few hours out in a cold... seriously i dunno what she is thinking at that moment...

This wake me up in some sense... thnx for that.. Regardless the lecture I told her and some of my friend in their case of relationship, now i've been listening to lecture by u guys... which is great if you ask me...

There's this saying 'Sometimes you have to walk through the darkness to fight for the light' How far do you agree? I know i can find happiness after going though sh1t.. but why ones have to gone through sh1t to know their happiness? like you say, isnt it a good ending if the men know the prostitute in the first place and give her happiness without her being though the sh1t of becoming a prostitute?

Well, she suggested me accompanying her for a check up when she come to sg this christmas... (by the way, will the hospital willing to do check up for foreigner? is there a need to bring any document along? I dont want to go for the illegal one though.)

In fact i dunno why im thinking this though.. I've seen the fact whereby my friend give up his relationship after knowing that his partner is not a virgin.. but why i asked. His reply was she was a bad girl. This is some thing that some people cant accept and i cant over talk him in this matter... now he's looking for school girl which he believe that they are still pure. Honesty, Im not like him, i can accept the fact that my girlfriend had gone through abortion because of the mistake she done... after having having relationship with me, she changed alot... from a ignorant kid to a more mature lady. But there are some things i cant see... im not god that can see everything and tell people what is right and what is wrong. Im young and there's still many things for me to see, many things for me to experience before i can said that i really grow up. However, regardless how i felt, I really do love her for what she is... and have think though this relationship seriously... just that dunno why the ex keep bothering me...

jojobeach SG

aicuole,

All you need for a blood test is her passport/ID.

The blood test may take about 3-5 working days for processing.
And there is a chance of getting a false positive, which means she may have to retake it again.
So when she visits again, take this time frame into consideration.
You should call up the clinic to make an appointment early so both of you can go in once she arrived.

BTW, she will need to go for physical checkup anyway when she wants to apply for visa to stay in SG.

I don't enjoy bursting your bubble. But my feelings tells me that the person who is the naive one is you, not her.

She is smarter than you think. The fact that she ensures a solid commitment from you before taking a leap tells me that her intelligence is more than meets the eye.

For her to decide against using any protection during sex. Is perhaps not due to naivity, perhaps, she has some other motives in mind.

The fact that she went for abortion, may be that the guy is not willing to marry her after she gets pregnant.

I have to warn you tho, that sometimes, a woman will use pregnancy to tie their man down.

I sincerely hope that you will not end up like one of those men who got manipulated by very smart women who pretend to be stupid.

Is her ex a japanese guy ? or someone from her own country.

I see a red flag.

aicuole SG

Ok thnx for the hospital check up info.

Well, I have to object that her thought of using unprotected sex. She dosent know anything about sex.. needless to say of how to protect it. I believe it's the ex that want to tie with her... making use of her getting pregant and then told her that they should stop relationship for a while, while he sees his boss's sister.. if he failed in the relationship with the boss's sister, at least he still have her as an option. It's her decision of having the abortion... and she bores the abortion fees!! Look how bastard that guy can be and she know from this point that she wont have any happiness with him in future.. You can say that she is intelligent for taking the right choice... if she bore his child.. chances of us getting together is equal to zero. But then, as time goes by, she began to feel forgiveness for the guy? which is bs if you ask me.. hence agreed to be contact and doing the way he wanted... this is naive in thinking if you ask me.

Also, for the fact that the situation we are in now, it's not possible to plan for any children yet in term of financial capability. I love her so the basic rules of protecting her to prevent further trouble.. i know what im doing. At least i have the sense to know that.

Anyway, that bastard is from her country not japanese.

jojobeach SG

Have you met her family yet ?

aicuole SG

Nope but she had send the pic of us together when she was in sg before. Quite a positive comment on me by her family from what she say. After planning to come sg in next CNY to see my family, she also wanted me to see his family too.. but it's just the matter of time and more planning to come.

However, I heard that her family dislike that bastard and greatly oppose them getting together last time. Does it mean anything?

soleachip SG

Study her character and past, until she has proven able to change her behavior, all your energy and frustration are just going into waste. Like what Guardx said, words don't matter, only her actions count. If you want a person with integrity, then in my humble opinion you are picking the wrong one. There is no point in you pressuring her to stop contacting her ex boyfriend.

Did you date her properly before getting all tangled up? Seems like you are buying into this way too fast. Jealousy may be a powerful emotion but don't let it suffocate you. Don't try to be the tough guy by hanging in there mate. Take a back seat and practice some self control (because you don't seem to know what you are doing at all).

jojobeach SG

aicuole,

My suggestion to you , thread cautiously.

Her family haven't even met you in person yet. And they have positive comments on you already ? Red flag number 2.

Everything so far has been " she said". How much of what she said is truth / fabrications ?

So, the answer to your question is. No, it doesn't mean anything, other than the fact that, I see sugar coating every corner.

You... do know the meaning of "stepping stones"... right ?

Get to know her more... I suggest you drag out the time, a little just to be sure.

Tell her, you are not ready to settle down yet.
Ask her to give you another 5 more years. You need more time to know her better.

extrinsic SG

to be brutally honest:
omg, it's internet again. how much do u understand her?
smhow, i agree with jojobeach, u might be the naive party here, not her.

and though i try not to sterotype, but is the ger from china?

perheps, u can try, take a step backwards, calm down and look at the whole story again to see if it make sense/logic.
sometimes... ppl blind their ownself, or convince themselves that this is so and so. (she is naive..etc)

petti SG

if the japanese are so open to sex as space1999 put it out to be, im sure she would have learned and heard things of sex and protected sex during her 3 years stay.

LatecomerX SG

x2. Are you able to verify what she had said to you in a way or the other?

aicuole SG

I know what you mean.. about the comment thing, I will know it once I visit her family. I know that whether us being together is up to us not her family.. hence, that about how her family comment on me and that bastard.. it really dosent mean anything.. but at least, its nice to leave a good impression.

Well, if she is that honest enough to tell me everything about her past, even of her seeing that guy after the break, i dont see what's the point of her lying to me. And she know the outcome of lying which i had clarify with her many times. Maybe 10 days was not enough of knowing a person but to a person who fly over to see you regardless the time and money spend. It's somehow worth my trust for her... If it's out of 'stepping stones' I have nothing for her right now except my body... so what gives? what can she rely on me for? she can remains in japan to find richer guy.. i believe japan is better than sg to certain extend.(correct me if im wrong), and have to listen to all my lecture for her with tears. To a normal girl, I believe they would break up with me long time ago and wrote about how hateful a guy can be in AA.

After all what had happened, i sincerely ask her why she love me.. Maybe it's childish for some people to a certain extend. But to me, it's really important. I would definitely think twice for a girl whom I wish to commit for a lifetime if her answer are like 'because of your look/charm/attraction' (look might change too), 'because you are nice and gentlemen-liked guy'(as time goes by, people might change.), 'because of your personality' (personality might change too and would act like a better person when you are together for a while. I mean without seriously know each other for a long time.) and of course any other reason you can think of... I've received such answer before and it's confirmed that relationship wont last. The answer she gave me was 'because you have more sense when it comes to doing thing like this and you are responsibility for your action'

She confirmed it again after she came to sg when we were actually together. Little detail that I didnt notice and she sees in her own eyes and could feel it.

Saying what our relationship now might be too early but time will tell. I believe..

jojobeach SG

Japan is not a country that is easy to live in. Have you been there before ?
And they are harsh towards other Asians foreigners.

You may think it is noble of her to spend her time and money to come visit you.
But given the fact that it is her first time to visit a country.
Have you considered the fact that, you may be a good facilitator for her to come visit ?

If she want to go ... say... USA.. isn't it easy enough for her to find a man and tells him she loves him.. and that she wants to go spend time with him there, AND tour the country ?

Perhaps you are right, perhaps she really is some one worth the effort.
Indeed, time will tell...I just hope you are not another gullible guy. Because obviously, she's been saying all the right things you want to hear.

May your dreams come true.

subaru67 SG

Saying what our relationship now might be too early but time will tell. I believe..

this applies too me... as its too early as i dunno what my gf is thinking

aicuole SG

Yes, living in japan is hard. The living standard there is high. But I should say, not all japanese treat Asian foreigner that harsh..

Maybe I wont say it's noble for her to do all that. But if one didnt truly love someone, they wouldnt need to go until this extreme of going oversea to visit another person. (Not if you are rich, of course.) I'm not a love saint whereby could have the ability to sweet talk girls and make them come visit me. You can say that it's little 'investment' she made, but like i say, what gives? some guys might be bastard that ditched her after sleeping with her... she had made a lost-lost situation if did not trust a correct guy. You said your friends met someone over the net and live happily with them right?

If it's the money she is after, I know... i've seen countless girls like that, might not happen to me, but with my friends.

However, how she know that it's the right thing to say that what I want to hear? I didnt tell her that 'I like to hear you saying you like me because blah blah blah' Sometimes thing are said from the depth of the heart and it's something I feel.. right? For example, i mention that I dislike being like because of look. For some guys, they might think it's essential for them to hear. But it's not my cup of tea.

Oh well, I wrote all these is not to doubt the love she gave. But her bastard ex bothering her as she told me about her past.. see how things being link together.... I want her to be honest with me, to know that her ex call her, in the past, he called because of his need, her foolishness with no self protection.. and everything.. It's not that Im jealous.. i just cant bear to see someone I love now had encountered such a cruel past and bad experience. I dunno how to put that in words... im bad at explaining though...

jojobeach SG

aicuole,

I know you have a good heart.
A man with a heart like yours is hard to come by.
Perhaps, after what she's been through, a good man is what she is looking for.

My words may be harsh, but I just hope you have think this through thoroughly.
Many men are easily wounded by love. I just hope you will not ever become a victim. Women knows how to sweet talk a man too.
I hope you can see beyond words and promises.

Her foolishness may be bothering you.
That is a valid concern.
Because you wouldn't want to marry a foolish wife now, would you ?
Give her a second chance... observe with open eyes.
Use your brain, not your heart to decide if she is truly the person you want to spend your whole life with ?

Ask yourself this, If she don't have such a cruel/unfortunate past, would you still love her ?

Is it really love you have for her personality ? or pity ?

Don't fall in love with sympathy.

ordinaryguy32 SG

Hi TS,

Forgive me for saying this, but your love story with your koibiito sounds very much like a taiwanese love plot from qiong yao's novel.

She brings with her a lot of emotional baggage which you may struggle to handle on a day-to-day basis.

You may be mixing sympathy with your love, and that may not be healthy for you.

You sound like an overseas rebound for her to me, and I am not sure if she's not suffering some form of depression.

You don't sound like the best person to help her, in my humble opinion.

There's no point pulling someone out of the quicksand if you are not certain you wouldn't get sucked into the mire.

Guys like us tend to try to think we are emotionally strong enough for such a mess, but it's more difficult than we think.

Trying to help a person out of his/her depression and being in love with him/her at the same time doesn't work.

aicuole SG

jojobeach, thnx for your words as I know you are someone quite understanding. For now, yes... her foolishness bother me.. why? Because I dont want one day after we are married, and I went to look for prostitute, after she discovered and she believe what lame excuse I give her.. That is something common sense that i dont have to tell her right? From what I see, she did forgive the guy that betray her and let him have whatever he wanted... such as sex? .. an unprotected one... even after undergo an abortion once.... That's.... depression.

Yes, if she dont have such a past, I will still love her and wont want her to experience such mishap. If only I meet her first... but... no.

If i have to love someone out of sympathy, there's million of people out there to love... like i said, im not Jesus... im a normal guy who have a mindset and love someone after interacting not out of fun.

btw, thnx for your reply..

jojobeach SG

yes I know what you mean.

Respect doesn't gel with foolishness.

Unfortunately, it is one of the most important fundamentals to any relationship.

Perhaps it is what you lack in this relationship. Respect.

You want her, but you cannot bring yourself to respect her..... tough choice.

aicuole SG

Oh really? I'll catch that novel if i have time..

I know about what sympathy and what love is. Though from what you see, it's like a mixture for me. But I do know that if I truly love someone, I will want to understand her better about her past and life. Same goes I told her everything about mine. If just for the mere surface of love, I wont need to know what sh1t she went through. There's this phrase called 'learn from mistake' right?

Well, maybe you are right that im not the best person to help her. Even her family didnt really help her. I did not love her so I help her, I help her because I love her. Although I know my help is not strong enough but i'll try for the best i could.

Yea, it gets more difficult to handle... but i wont let sympathy and love mix together. Anyway, I dont have a good past too and i dont expect her to love me because of pity me. This... I understand. She had forgotten her past completely and I have forgotten mine... we had a brand new start. Just that her foolishness thinking....

Guardx SG

I agree with jojobeach on this.

You are still new to relationship.

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