My wife always threaten divorce wen we quarrel.How 2 handle?

last SG · 2007-08-04T02:44:29+00:00

Dear TS, I am feeling happy for you and I admire your great love for your wife, your persistence, your humility to admit your own mistakes and the amount of...

selfobliged SG

hmmm…give her time to gain trust in you. But at the same, make her believe in you. Talk to a counsellor la…alone.

walesa SG

How to handle?

Carry out her threat and help her realise her dreams of being a divorcee.

Yunhaier SG

No matter how many 'phrases' you might have skipped to get yourself married, eventually, to maintain a happy-and-somewhat-fulfilling relationship, it still boils down to the very basis and this is something you can't escape if you wish to saunter this marriage till death do you guys apart.

Apart from having short-circuit tempers that savagely gash open wounds in your relationship time and again - in fact, I reckoned that there are quite a number of unresolved 'negative issues' brought into the airspace of your marriage and now you two are suffering the consequence of such causes because it's so blatant that when you put two unevolved soul as marriage partners, the intensity is insane.

The tongue is critical and quick to wound, yet not equipped with the wisdom or maturity to communicate wisely. Trust is greatly amiss, demonstrating the need for command and control as her innate alarm triggers and in response, it overwhelmed her emotions with hallucinatory thoughts and insecurity. Threatening divorce is the first sign of a crumbling marriage - this is the same methodology employed by people who threaten breaking up, suicide or any drastic measure to 'overpower' another party to submission. Over the time, you will gain immunity to such 'threats' and the relationship will probably collapse when you decide you had enough of such nonsense.

It is such a painful way to lead any form of relationship.

Your marriage is clearly in a dire state. I suggest since you two can't handle it among yourselves, it might be beneficial to have engages a mediator/marriage counsellor - that's if she is still willing to work things out with you.

I would like to understand some background:

How old are the both of you? How long have you been dating before marriage? How long have you been married? Were the conflicts this bad before marriage? In your opinion, what's the reason for getting married? What sort of lifestyle you two are leading? What are both your astrological signs? Any crisis took place in BGR previously? Idea

Cheers

mancha SG

Frequent flareups over the slightest matter is a learned response.
Try to discern a pattern.

My wife and I always quarrel when we are about to go out.
Reason:
1. The humid weather, dressing up is sweaty and uncomfortable. We are easily agitated. Therefore the slightest thing invokes a harse response.
2. There are a few lose ends to tie up before leaving. Like leaving food for the cat, making phone calls, switching off the electric kettle etc., touching up makeup, what to bring, and what not, and she expect me to be automatic, instead of just waiting at the door, fuming. Trouble is I am not telepathic, and cannot read her mind. And therefore I get some rebuke. Evil or Very Mad
3. This is a pattern of behaviour.

Acknowledge it, and bring it out into the open. And watch out for it. I will say, "See, when we are going out, we will always quarrel." Initially this will invoke a sharp rebuttal and another round. But eventually she will see the light and make an effort to curb her temper.

In other occasions, you need to be assertive.
Sometimes she just bully you, because you are bulliable.
You must be sure she is just taunting you before you tell her off in no uncertain terms. Sometimes you must tell her to "SHUTUP" or tell her clearly you don't like such behaviour or such talk.

And if you're in the wrong, even slightly wrong, then you just shut up and take the tongue lashing.

Sometimes a few days of silence, is good. But not too long. And be the one to break the ice.

If things are more serious, like there is personality disorder or mental illness, then please seek professional help.

Pion SG

Next time she threaten divorce, brandish the papers from thin air and give to her.

Or you could go and say something like "Im sorry for causing XXX xxxx xxxxx you..XXX xxx you're right. xxx xxxxx xxxx Lets divorce instead".

Darkness_hacker99 SG

I have found it.

http://www.sgforums.com/?action=thread_display&thread_id=259024

jojobeach SG

How are the arguments resolved after the fights ?

Do you only give in after she use the word "divorce" ?

TheGoodEarth SG

Its 3.28am now. If you are still in one part and not eleven, you might be dreaming that both of you are drifting apart.

Do you know the 'paramount' reason why couples divorce?

zeny SG

Finally the real reason for the flare up.
Seems like her ex-bf must have hurt her real bad.

In her heart she is worried that you might do the same to her again, thats the main reason why she is so strict about you.

She wants to hold on tightly cause deep inside she loves you too but do not know how to express it.

1) I suggest that you change your hp as this might help a bit.

2) From your words you still love and I feel that you are only growing tired of this quarrels. What is she working as ? I need to know so that I can check if the stress is work related.

3) Are you staying by yourself or with in-laws? Stress could come from in-laws too.

4) I can understand the power of divorce and break-up words. If one party heards too many of these words it may force the party to give up for the sake of peace and quiet. Your mind will start wondering more and more.

AndrewPKYap SG

To: Frustrated_guy

When your wife loses her temper, you keep cool and refuse to say anything.

Only when she is calm and collected, then you restart the discussion. It is easier for us men to do that. Be the NAN REN and don't CHI CHI JIAO JIAO with your wife.

Xephone_xenon SG

Arguing every single week is really bad. Neutral

AndrewPKYap SG

To: Frustrated_guy

Now that the wife is angry and refuse to talk... it is up to the MAN to make efforts to repair the relationship. It is up to you the MAN to make the effort to try to talk to her. You do not expect her to make the first move... you are the MAN, you make the first move and you try again and again until she relents and start talking to you again.

Short Ninja SG

Hello Buddy,your case reminded me of my first marriage to a woman I still love but as you can see it didnt work out ,how could it? You have to sit down and talk to your wife ,communicate with her often and see what is really bothering her.Is it because she is afraid of losing you for some reasons like not being able to bear a child or she feels that you no longer finds her attrative,too much work at the office....I dont know,you have to find that out soon.Divorce is a taboo word for all married couple so do not use this word just to get back at each other or someday both of you are really going to end up hurt.Everybody has temper and so you both need moments to cool down.When she is about to blow over the top all she has to do is say the word 'TIME OUT'' and like wise with you.In time outs dont say anything ,not even nice things just keep your mouth shut until she is back to herself again.I think your marriage would get back on track if you both start to throw all the bad ingredients that is spoiling it and keep only what is good and those which made you two want to spend the rest of your life with.

Short Ninja SG

WAYANG?? Did she or did she not submit the divorce papers?

Short Ninja SG

Having sex once a month is even worse!! Mr. Green

Short Ninja SG

Shocked

laoda99 SG

Ur wife seems to have a jealousy problem. Actually all women have that. Just the degrees vary.

If u love ur wife, u need to do something to assure her rather than quarrelling with her. Flowers? Card? Telling her that she is the only one?

I think guys forgot abt the niceties once they get married. I too.

And becareful ur hp.....always delete the messages which u think would make her flare up, even though the messages are not the bad ones.

derekcsy SG

Dear Frustrated_guy, please take time and read below what I got to say to you regarding the saving of your relationship now... Hopefully I can bring you to that clear realisation of how to save this relationship before it is too late!

In my opinion, sex does not solve the problem... You have to no matter what, rid the problem at its root, and not for a moment look for something to ease the pain caused by the problem. Dear Fatum, you are really making sex like some pain-killer drug when it is not even one... It does not work like what you see in the movies... Sex is not meant for enjoyment purposes! Mad I totally disagree with what you have just said.

Even after doing it, the root of the problem is still not being addressed - then what is the point of having it in the first place? You will end up quarreling with her again soon enough! I would rather you sort things out with her and try not to anger one another anymore.

To Omniknight, are you sure you will not marry in your entire lifetime? Woah... you do not know what you will be missing out in having a family! Believe me... family life is very rewarding... you will be missing out the benefits of having a family... How do you know you will fall into such problems when you don't even want to try to start a family and try to take your hand and solve them?

As long as both of you (husband and wife) are able to cohabit together and help one another solve the problems encountered, share the burden each of them may face during lfe as a family and no matter what, love each other despite what has become of your partner... then can a relationship start to grow stronger...

These underlying issues are dangerous and is already causing your relationship with your wife to enter dangerous boundaries. Make right whatever is wrong in you before you make right whatever that is in your wife! Reconcilation can only come when one corrects his mistakes before he starts correcting the mistakes of his partner.

You will really need to try your best not to complain and spark another heated argument with her again... The reason why she is controling you so strictly is because she feels very insecure in this relationship, you will need to start assuring her your love and show a greater degree of care and concern to her... Show her you still love her... Do not quote examples and provoke her! You are just causing her to explode and get mad with you again!

Forgive her for what she has done and forget whatever things that she has done against you, because all these thoughts will continue to haunt you until you get a divorce with her! If you really want to save this relationship, please try your best to forgive and forget and start anew and afresh with your wife, and make it up to her once again! Please do not call her 'unsupportive' (she will certainly blow because you fail to consider her position in this matter! She is trying to tie ends together yet you are somewhat scolding her for doing so...), the reason why she seems 'unsupportive' to you now is because you in the first place did not make yourself 'transparent' to her! I don't want to scold you brother, but I want to show you the problems between both of you and wish that you will sincerely address the issues as soon as possible!

I sense that she is also feeling very terrible inside her, as she does not feel secure in this relationship and having to flare up to someone she loves... She is mentioning things like divorcing with you is more of a threat that she hopes will shock you into a clear realisation of the matter, but if you really agree to the divorce... I think you will really break her heart even more! I am not saying that she does not mean what she says... she just wants you to come clean and save this relationship, save it before she really starts preparing to leave this relationship with you...

My suggestion to you now, is to pay more attention to your wife, despite how 'unlovely' she might be now whenever she argues or gives you that look that your dislike... The problem now is the security in the relationship, you as her husband, must address this issue before such insecurity and tensions tear you both apart.

Before I end the post, I would like to share with you (Frustrated_guy)my views and tips on how you can secure and keep your relationship with your wife afloat... Please read through them and consider...
Key ingredients to a successful relationship:

- Faithfulness (Stay faithful to your beloved forever...)

- Care and Concern (Show your partner your care and concern for her... Let your partner know that she can always first come to you for help because she knows that you will always be there to help her out...)

- Tolerance (Tolerate your partner despite times of struggle... Show her you still love and care for her, and not quarrel over trivial issues with her that hurts the relationship... do not provoke her and jeopardize the relationship!)

- Honesty and Transparency (Do not lie or cover up anything from your partner from knowing... If you do so, your partner may feel a little shaky in her relationship with you... I am sure you too will feel shaky if your wife does something behind your back, not letting you know anything about it... Being transparent to your partner is important, it plays a part in assuring your love for her...)

- Assurance (Your partner needs that guarantee from you that you will not abandon her for another woman... Give her the assurance that you will be by her side forevermore... Note: Reading of FHM/Maxim/Playboy Magazines or seeing Pornography betrays this assurance! If you are engagaed in any of the two or both of the mentioned activities, please end it for the sake of your relationship and salvage all the good relations you have with your wife before it is too late!)

- Uprightness (Be upright in all that you do and stay true to your wife, do not cheat on her feelings by doing things that spoil the entire relationship...)

- Cooperation (Cooperate with one another and help solve any unsolved problems that may threaten your relationship with your wife.)

- Love and Patience (These two areas come together to form the most lasting form of love - which is 'Agape' love (a type of love that is unconditional, stands strong admist the passing of time, the love that secures a relationship... the purest form of love...) Love and Patience cannot be separated from one another if you really want a lasting relationship with your partner... Learn to love her more and show your affection and adoration for her...

Hopefully what I have said can help you save your relationship with your wife... I really hope that your wife and you will start to be at peace with one another and start to cohabit together happily and comfortably with one another... All the best to your relationship with your wife, Frustrated_guy! You can message me to my Mailbox for any additional help. Smile

Frustrated_guy SG

Everyone, thanks for your reply.

We woke up and everything seemed better. I made the 1st move and apologise to her. She smiled a bit and the situation became less tense. Then she started to nag on how being my wife, she has the right to know EVERYTHING. I just kept quiet until the 'noise' dissipated. Then unexpectedly, her mood turned for the worse and she became aggitated again. I checked my HP for a sms, and she did not ask me this time! She always never fails to ask me who is it, what they want, what I going to do.

She started going into her frenzy mode again and threaten divorce once more. She knows I hate the word, maybe she did it to irritate me?! I really don't know what to do. I must be a very ignorant husband. I feel like my PC just exploded in front of me and I'm clueless to how it happen and how to repair it!!

Anyway, I left her house. She's with her parents and I'm back in my house. The word, divorce, is still ringing in my head and she is like the persistent salesman. I'm like the fish who is tempted to take the bait, but I don't want! There are like an angel and devil to my thoughts. One is tempting me to where there is extreme freedom, the other telling me we should work hard for this relationship. Arrgghh....

Sianz!!![/b]

hiphop2009 SG

sometimes this may work.

tell her in her face dat she divorce and slam the legal paper on her face, she probably scared until siao.

do this only if u really very very angry den thinking of divorce her and she v unreasonable. afterall, if she keeps on being so unreasonable, who can tahan her?

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