Good Parenting Skills-Eastern/Western

last SG · 2007-07-09T13:27:37+00:00

hey I did not say you put my name. you engrish so bad hah? I asked you to show the examples that you'd claimed: that expert opinions were put down - SIMPLE...

Chin Eng SG

that being the case, honey.... time to move on....

lesson to be learnt: compromise is the best option. however when compromise is NOT possible because one party is unwilling, then hard and difficult decisions will have to be made.

mistyblue SG

Thank you. I don't see another way out except once again for me to change and change and change and change. I am tired of change. I am tired of accepting and accepting and accepting. I am tired of him and his family and making way for everyone and everyone making way for me and everyone seem unhappy and I am the cause for all their unhappiness. My MIL teach the grandkids that i am unhappy with them and they would tell my MIL/HB they want to pretend to go home so that they can pretend not to be around. Of course my HB flare. Then I feel no point to be around. What for? Cause more unhappiness?

popikachu SG

wha within a night become 8 page liao…

ordinaryguy32 SG

A lot of divorcees are physically divorced, but not emotionally divorced from their ex-spouses.

In order to give yourself peace and closure so as not to affect your future relationships, maybe u can tell urself to give ur hubby one last chance at counselling... He will know it, if u really mean it...

Think of the possibilities, and breathe the fresh air, it can be a whole new life all over again..

ordinaryguy32 SG

I see...
In that case, you are actually doing everyone a favour... not least yourself..., if u separate from ur husband

ordinaryguy32 SG

I have a hunch that your husband will regret the divorce/separation, if any..

Where else can one find a submissive wife which can handle the crap?

It might be a good wake-up call for him though, if u separate.

ShrodingersCat SG

Clarification:

I am suggesting.. basically what I have written - it is good to learn from experts BUT without a big dose of common sense and love to EXECUTE what you have learnt, sometimes a lot of parents take the theory wholesale and can even carry it too far.

Also different experts can advocate contradicting theories, for e.g. within the area of autism or children with ADHD - how to handle such kids. Without understanding, common sense and love - it is hard to pick and choose which is the most SUITABLE technique for your child.

Why is there this difference?

Example: I have met some dedicated parents who spend a lot of time with their children to teach them at home. They use specific techniques in teaching that they have learnt from experts. However, the objectives of both parents can be very different.

One spends the time interacting with the child valuing the INTERACTION. the other parent spends the time with the dominant desire to IMPROVE the grades. The first child was ready for such a teaching technique, but the second wasn't. The technique used for teaching was similar - the results of such a technique was different.

Does this mean that it is bad for the parents to learn from experts? No, because in both cases, both children have improved academically. This is the benefit of learning from an expert.

However, in the case of the second child, due to the expectations of the parents, the increased pressure at home actually resulted in a decreased concentration span in school. This affects the child social behaviour, and may cause a permanent impact on the child's learning ability due to a shortened concentration span. This is because the child was not ready for a technique specified by an expert.

This does not mean the parents have failed to learn from the expert, but that the parents lack of understanding of their child's needs. Also while parents may learn techniques from experts- they do not become experts themselves.

I am sure you understand that there isn't just Yes or No, black and white in the world. The success of anything is dependent on many factors - to say that it might fail due to certain factors does not mean that I disagree with the original intent of constant learning.

Personally I think what most parents need is COMMON SENSE, and understanding of their children and Love. A lot of parents have brought up intelligent, well behaved children in the past with totally no expert help --- simply because they have COMMON SENSE and they love their children.

Eh i tot topic closed?

mistyblue SG

to him and his family, its good riddance and what a relief. I am sure everyone will be celebrating.

ordinaryguy32 SG

maybe everyone except your husband.

If he would be the truly celebrating type, he will have divorced you already for making his family unhappy.

Outwardly, he may be celebrating, but inside, he will feel downright miserable and not sure who to blame.

Maybe he cannot even blame himself because ur MIL has told him not to..

ordinaryguy32 SG

And actually I feel very sorry for ur hubby, because I have known two guys who are divorced... and in both cases, their ex-wives cannot get along with their PILs.

For one of them, the look on his face is like a dog who has lost all direction. Not meant to be insulting..

He's totally lost....

mistyblue SG

oh, he will make sure he waste as many women as possible to get back at me loh.

I told him, I cannot be responsible for his actions.

he told me his happiness is dependent on whether i am happy, therefore I make him happy.

I told him. I cannot guarantee that I am happy all the time. In addition, happiness is not external. Its internal in him. if he feels happy about the situation, even if I am not happy because of a bad day at work. it should not affect him. why it does, i don't understand.

I told him that when he talks about issues or what I done wrong, I felt that he is giving me a performance apprasial. Like my ex-boss who will use "failure" in almost ever sentence he say to me and he used political force to transfer me to a admin job with sever pay cut. failure at work, failure at home. There is no positive re-inforcements just a full list of consistent failures after failures. I know we quarreled. He counted every single one of them, I never kept count. Till it hit home that I should count them as failures. what more. all i can feel when i travel home is not that I am glad the day is over, but I have to start work all over at home.
I realised that I don't communicate well and that had keep a key issue for myself to improve. So because I tend to keep things to myself, many people see it as opportunity to treat me like a doormat and back stab me. I know all that. I know it all and I know its part of my up bringing that I am like this but I also want to change. Its not easy.

I want to think for awhile and decide.

MiX Metal SG

I agree.... its your husband that fails you by not making the effort to see things from your shoes.

MiX Metal SG

I think it has come to a point that you should force your husband to sit down and listen to what you have to say about everything that you've gone through and how it is affecting you emotionally.

In every relationship both parties should be willing to compromise for each other but after reading what you've written down, I feel that you're the one that is compromising and giving all the time and thats not healthy at all.

ordinaryguy32 SG

Originally posted by mistyblue:
oh, he will make sure he waste as many women as possible to get back at me loh.

I told him, I cannot be responsible for his actions.

he told me his happiness is dependent on whether i am happy, therefore I make him happy.

I told him. I cannot guarantee that I am happy all the time. In addition, happiness is not external. Its internal in him. if he feels happy about the situation, even if I am not happy because of a bad day at work. it should not affect him. why it does, i don't understand.

I told him that when he talks about issues or what I done wrong, I felt that he is giving me a performance apprasial. Like my ex-boss who will use "failure" in almost ever sentence he say to me and he used political force to transfer me to a admin job with sever pay cut. failure at work, failure at home. There is no positive re-inforcements just a full list of consistent failures after failures. I know we quarreled. He counted every single one of them, I never kept count. Till it hit home that I should count them as failures. what more. all i can feel when i travel home is not that I am glad the day is over, but I have to start work all over at home.
I realised that I don't communicate well and that had keep a key issue for myself to improve. So because I tend to keep things to myself, many people see it as opportunity to treat me like a doormat and back stab me. I know all that. I know it all and I know its part of my up bringing that I am like this but I also want to change. Its not easy.

I want to think for awhile and decide.

He says that because he loves you... and that he wants you to be happy, otherwise he will feel like a failure...

I get the impression that his relationship with his mom is also like that.. he needs his mom to say "Good boy" to feel happy... otherwise he will spend all his effort to make his mom happy so that he can be happy. On the contrary, his brother may be more independent and spoilt.

His mom probably used emotional blackmail to manipulate ur hubby "Do it, boy or I dun like you" when he is young. And he hasn't learnt to break away from this type of relationship.

He wants you to be happy, but faults you if you are unhappy. The reason for that is he is emotionally weak. This is not a forever state and can be changed. But it is difficult.

He needs to learn to be his own man, if he wants any chance of sustaining his marriage.. And by the way, with his attitude, no sg woman out there would fall for him, despite his threats of wasting other women.

For your work problems, you can pick out some self-help books to learn to be more assertive and courageous in saying "No". They really do help.

For your marriage, counselling will show ur hubby the way. He needs to be liberated... Good luck, lady...

MiX Metal SG

I agree its not easy but I also believe that if you give yourself the chance, you can do it.

ordinaryguy32 SG

I second that, yes, you can do it!!

Nobody's born with a spade ace in all aspects of his/her life.

Some are naturally shy, but learn to speak up.
Some are not pretty, but learn to exude confidence.

All are not lost!

mistyblue SG

thank you. its great advice and you’re all quite sharp…. i live in a blurr…

royale9 SG

I would say that reprehending the husband would be incongruous.

we only heard one side of the story.

ordinaryguy32 SG

Good point. I agree that in real life relationships, we have to listen to both sides of the story before making judgements about treating people. Too many people are guilty of not doing that..

In this case, it's an AA column, and we are all just trying to help offer suggestions.

It could be a fictional story for all we know, but we just want to make a difference.. so we give the benefit of the doubt.

For that, certain assumptions would have to be made. I think.

mistyblue SG

yes I know. Sometimes I know he tried and I appreciate. many times he does not tell me of the decisions he made and etc. He loves his family and wants me be join them and be a part. There are always going to be issues and such things. He cannot take it too hard but he does. I know he felt pressured and forced and therefore has no choice. I wonder, if only he speak to me but he has spoken more to his mother than to me. Then I think, if he is in such a unhappy state and is forced beyond reason, then why continue. I told him, its not logic and if he need space, I am willing to give. We stay in separate rooms anyway. If he need to have me away from the house, I will do so. I am not willing to make him unhappy. I am not willing to make anyone unhappy. Because that is all I hear day in day out. I can only conclude I am the reason.
I believe that one guy try to please 2 women is setting himself for a lot of trouble. And for the wife, she will always lose if he is a mommy boy.

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