Good Parenting Skills-Eastern/Western

last SG · 2007-07-09T13:27:37+00:00

hey I did not say you put my name. you engrish so bad hah? I asked you to show the examples that you'd claimed: that expert opinions were put down - SIMPLE...

Chin Eng SG

personally i think your husband is a wussy..... seems he does not want to take steps to solve problems or he is pretending that the problems do not exist.

unfortunately, marriage is a two-party institution. if one party does not want the problem resolved, there is very little the other can do..... till breaking point.

ordinaryguy32 SG

Originally posted by Chin Eng:

so what are experts.....?

if, say, someone you know has done the above (short of writing a book - sarcasm unintended) he is an expert......

but because there is no hard facts ie qualifications, credentials to officially recognise the expertise, wouldn't you say then, the credentials are the children?

that being the case, in the first place, these people who "had spent time and effort to think through all the issues" stuck through their beliefs and were successful in raising kids, how the delusional part come in...?

seems that you are quite attached the word "delusional"....

I think this is subjective, and one must trust one's own judgement here on the credibility of experts, and again this may start another argument about how to judge the credibility of experts.

One good example : John Gray, the author of Mars/Venus series.

Critics say his methods are too general, and one outspoken critic even goes to question his Ph.D. Evidently, his Ph.D is from the equivalent of some ahbeng university. You may want to check this out : http://www.rickross.com/reference/gray/gray6.html

I personally like John Gray's ideas, but after taking into account the views of his critics, I also agree that his ideas are somewhat shallow and overgeneral.

Am I being deluded?

Chin Eng SG

don't know, after all I am not the judge here.... Laughing

on one hand, the experts seem to be academic people, on the other, experts can be people who had thought through everything..... but the concept is mind boggling because people who thought through everything may have nothing to refer to other than own common sense... so are these also delusional too????

ordinaryguy32 SG

Well, personally, I think counselling will definitely help. Why don't you ask him again? You can put it in a extremely nice way, and maybe dangle some carrots.

It sounds like he's rather weak. But all hope is not lost. If he agrees to go to counselling, I think things will improve dramatically!

Maybe you and your hubby can bring only one of the kids, whoever behaves better. One at a time. Sometimes kids, being ridded of their troublemaking gang members, sober up.

The thing is if you help bring one of them out, you can spend time with ur hubby, and he is not guilty of not helping his mom take care of them.

ordinaryguy32 SG

Laughing
The irony is academic people like to attack one another on differences on opinion.. leaving laypeople confused.

At the end of the day, everything in this world is what we see through our eyes. One's own experiences will always seem "more" real... but again, this is very subjective.

Chin Eng SG

yup I agree.... but we have been time again, "encouraged" to consult experts, yet the definition of who an expert is, remains elusive.

so, all said and done, is it not possible that there exist some of us who have thought through everything and has the answer that will solve the problems in our lives... "unlikely" as it may seem..... Shocked

I would not call myself an expert (because I am supposed to be deluded), but I have a very closely knitted family and my sons share with me everything that goes on in their lives, yet the remain very independent in their own choices in their lives. Scholastically, they perform within and sometimes behond expectation. Conduct wise, they have constantly been among those who get rated by their teachers as very very good. Both sons represent their schools in some activities and have even gone overseas for their school in a couple of events.... at home they volunteer for chores, my older son and I even share clothes.

So does that make me an expert? May be not yet..... Laughing

mistyblue SG

every 3 days I think divorce. he has told me that if he divorce, he will go and play with every woman out there and it will be all my fault. I feel that its his life, he can go out and play with all the women out there and I cannot care.

ordinaryguy32 SG

Originally posted by Chin Eng:

yup I agree.... but we have been time again, "encouraged" to consult experts, yet the definition of who an expert is, remains elusive.

so, all said and done, is it not possible that there exist some of us who have thought through everything and has the answer that will solve the problems in our lives... "unlikely" as it may seem..... Shocked

I would not call myself an expert (because I am supposed to be deluded), but I have a very closely knitted family and my sons share with me everything that goes on in their lives, yet the remain very independent in their own choices in their lives. Scholastically, they perform within and sometimes behond expectation. Conduct wise, they have constantly been among those who get rated by their teachers as very very good. Both sons represent their schools in some activities and have even gone overseas for their school in a couple of events.... at home they volunteer for chores, my older son and I even share clothes.

So does that make me an expert? May be not yet..... Laughing

I would say experiences count for a lot, such as yours. After all, Bill Gates didn't finish his degree in Harvard but has substantial experience running the world's largest software company (in terms of revenue).

and I would say you are doing a lot of things right to develop such a close knitted family... and that you can afford yourself to share some of your invaluable advice, if you wish.

Good for you!

Chin Eng SG

I really feel for you.

...but the reality is - if you get a divorce, whatever he wants to do with his life is nothing to do with you... (note that I am not encouraging divorce)

have you consider going to AWARE for some counselling? It's the women's movement in singapore (sorry, not sure what is the full name).

while divorce is not the option I'd encourage, it does, however, seem to be only viable option.

ordinaryguy32 SG

Oh dear...

But hang on, if you divorce each other, you are agreeing to not agree/disagree on anything in your lives already.

What has it got to do with you, if he plays with every woman out there, if they wish to be with him?

After all, if he needs sex, he has a right to find other women. It can't be your fault...

If he needs someone to blame for his troubles, he can find another wife, not that he needs to tell you, or you need to care.

Well, you can tell him, divorce doesn't mean continuing to blame each other. It means you can let him go, and he can let you go.

I think separation might be a good idea to see if living independently is the best solution for you, and him.

Chin Eng SG

I'd be happy to, unfortunately being labelled as delusional wasn't the goal I set myself up to meet each day. Laughing

incidentally, my sons occasionally read what I write here..... and is aware of the kind of "emotions" that go on among some members.

ordinaryguy32 SG

I agree with Chin Eng.

Does AWARE provide such services? That would be great.

I like to quickly add that I don't encourage separation/divorce too... counselling is the best solution..

And maintaining status quo is not very emotionally/physically healthy for you... You may snap and hurt someone or yourself.

mistyblue SG

After considering that HB has already to deal with his beloved mother and listen to her endless complains. He already has his hands full with his beloved mother, BIL kids and whatever work problems. He effectively has a wonderful family. He had no intention to start a new one with me. I was expected to join the existing and change myself to fit. For the past year, I only hear what I failed to do, what I never do correctly, what I should do/act so as to make everyone happy, etc. I felt demonized for creating such unhappiness in his family. So I want to move out. It was viewed negatively. Its a situation where everything I do is wrong. I considered sucide. Then I consider divorce. I considered everything. sadly, we have only married 1 year. What a failure.

ordinaryguy32 SG

Oh come on, the good news is you don't have kids... a break would be a clean break.

Your task is made hard by the whole situation, and you need not take the whole blame for it, even if the whole family wishes you to. And of course it is human nature to blame others.

The way I see it.. your husband has failed in his duty.

He may be a model worker, a filial son, a good brother, but he is a really bad husband.

We are judged by our differing roles in society, and we sometimes struggle to do all of them well. After all, some murderers are doting fathers/husbands and filial sons.

Men are stewards of their wife's love... He is guilty of not cherishing you... The vows sg couples made in ROM covers that aspect, isn't it? (Not that I can remember all of it)

He is to be reminded, by you or by counsellors, of his role as a husband. If he fails to see that he needs to fulfill that role (if he feels too stressed by that possibility of fulfilling that role amidst his brotherly, son, and work duties), then I think the choice is clear.

Having said that, I think you still can talk to him about counselling.

Failing that, if you want to move out, of course it would be viewed negatively, because it reflects badly on them. Imagine what the neighbours would say about them...

But you need to do what you are required to do to gain your own happiness.

ordinaryguy32 SG

Originally posted by mistyblue:
After considering that HB has already to deal with his beloved mother and listen to her endless complains. He already has his hands full with his beloved mother, BIL kids and whatever work problems. He effectively has a wonderful family. He had no intention to start a new one with me. I was expected to join the existing and change myself to fit. For the past year, I only hear what I failed to do, what I never do correctly, what I should do/act so as to make everyone happy, etc. I felt demonized for creating such unhappiness in his family. So I want to move out. It was viewed negatively. Its a situation where everything I do is wrong. I considered sucide. Then I consider divorce. I considered everything. sadly, we have only married 1 year. What a failure.

Failure is the mother of success.
You fail now so that you succeed in future.

Thinking of that alone helps me lots in life, though others around me are quick to point out the negative aspects.

Your glass is 10% full, not 90% empty.

Chin Eng SG

From the perspective of a husband, a father and a son.....

I feel that as this individual that is sandwiched among all these, I need to take ownership of who I am and to whom I am accountable to.

I am firstly accountable to my immediately family, by which, it is my wife and my children. The extended family, remains, extended.

Occasionally I am called upon to make unpopular decisions and that has to be done, it has to be done with a great deal of thought and common sense. Not all demands and requests are entertained because resources (be it money, time or emotions) are limited.

As the man of the house, my job is NOT to please everybody, but to come out with the most viable, practical and amicable decision. If I cannot please everyone, too bad....

I feel that your husband's priority is his own mom.... and everything that he does surrounds that one individual. Unfortunately because of that he's dug a hole and shove his head into it. He is not able to take ownership of his own life and his inability to make strong and clear decisions is dragging everybody down.

If you are already being demonised.... how much more are you going to be demonised further....

Ask yourself..... what long term goal can be achieved out of this present situation?

smudgey SG

my dear,

it takes two hands to clap. if it's a failure, it is both yours and your HB's... he can't deny all responsibility and just blame it on you not able to change enough to suit his family.

to threaten you by saying if you divorce him he'll go out to play and it's ur fault shows me 2 things...

1)he's childish
2)he still loves you. he's hoping that such threats can deter you from filing and thereby keeping you with him.

if you really can't live on like this, try counselling, if all else fails... then consider seperation.... and if it still does not bring about any changes then D.

but remember, if he is willing to work things out, both of you will have to compromise...

Try talking to him one on one with a calm heart... or write him a letter
try counselling....

mistyblue SG

Except for counseling. Letter wrote – negative effect. Talking – negative effect. Well. by the time he think for months later, and want to try counseling, I would have given up and trying to move on. I should not have married him.

ordinaryguy32 SG

I think you have very much made up your mind about your options, it's just indecision now...

take care..

mistyblue SG

I feel that your husband's priority is his own mom.... and everything that he does surrounds that one individual. Unfortunately because of that he's dug a hole and shove his head into it. He is not able to take ownership of his own life and his inability to make strong and clear decisions is dragging everybody down.

HB made it clear. Wife can be changed anytime. Mother is for lifetime.

How nice. He should married his mother and not waste my time.

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