Good Parenting Skills-Eastern/Western

last SG · 2007-07-09T13:27:37+00:00

hey I did not say you put my name. you engrish so bad hah? I asked you to show the examples that you'd claimed: that expert opinions were put down - SIMPLE...

Chin Eng SG

... abused workers?

... unpaid salary?

... murdered workers?

... unrepentent employers who think that there is nothing wrong with such practices???? that it is within their rights as employers to ill-treat their employees???? doesn't this stem from their own beliefs and delusions?

this is merely an example to counter the misconception of a universally accepted concept of "HR policies".

HR policies, like parenting skills differ places to places.

It should be noted, however, that i did not bring in "HR" as an example.

Chin Eng SG

very sadly, not many parents are willing to do this. Confused

ordinaryguy32 SG

I would say many parents are not even aware they have to do this... because the embarrassment/anger is overwhelming them.

One good way is to detach oneself and try to see the situation from the child's point of view...

Many parents are actually very stressed up about their own lives to bother about the importance of discipline ... this, they have to manage it themselves..

Chin Eng SG

I am of the opinion that these parents are not interested in disciplining their children, but I am not sure if it's because of their own stress or general apathy.

I know of too many parents who feel that discipline is not important because their person axiom is "kids will be kids" and let these children run wild.

One ex-colleague told me that she WILL NOT discipline her children even though these children vandalise her house because that may stifle her children's creativity.

ordinaryguy32 SG

I think it's a mixture of all factors, including apathy, ignorance, and others. Each case is probably different.

Maybe these parents think that discipline is killing creativity... But because we live in a social world, there are rules to abide by, like it or not. Discipline actually increases creativity, because less time is wasted on correcting bad behavior down the road.

I don't want to be too judgemental about your colleague. Maybe she has a room in her house that allows the children to draw on walls and stuff like that, which I think is wonderful if she, the parent, can take it.

But if her children starts hitting others, and she starts defending them by saying they have a freedom to express themselves.. and the "other party" starts it first and is wrong, then I think we may agree there is a problem there.

Alternatively, she might have her own experiences which stifle creativity in herself that prompts her to adopt the extreme... this is where the arguments about parental experiences you and Andrew have said come into the picture.

The key thing is achieving a balance that allows your child to express himself/herself without fear and judgement, and keeping him/her behaving within boundaries.

It is not easy, and I am still learning...

Chin Eng SG

I am just thankful that my parenting skills are working, and that I have good offsprings that respond well to my techniques.

AndrewPKYap SG

It is important that people have a yardstick to measure against. If for example, one person "A" claims that something is "long" but another person "B" thinks that it it short, then how do you determine who is right? We need yardsticks to determine whether A or B is right.

"A" will insist that he is right and "B" will insist that he is right. Usually people have their reasons for saying that they are right. "A" will say, I am right because... and "B" will say, I am right because ...

When you think that you should bring up the child in a certain way, obviously you have your reasons why you think you should bring up the child in a certain way. How will you know that you are right and that your reasons are valid?

How will you know that you are not delusional?

What is the yardstick that you use to measure what you think is the correct way to bring up children?

Some people are experts in this field and it is better to understand what they say and use that as a yardstick to measure your beliefs against their suggestions.

There are many that call themselves "experts" and how do you separate the wheat from the chaff?

You should give those that withstand the scrutiny of established authorities more weight. For example, if it is recommended by the Ministry of Health, then you know that it must have achieved some credibility after some scrutiny by experts in the field.

You might want to read widely even from sources that are not "accredited" to give you an idea what the issues are and reflect whether or not you have considered the issues or have missed them.

All this is true but it does not mean that you do not need to learn what "Good Parenting" is.

Chin Eng SG

...so in the first place.... what is the purpose of bringing up children? or specifically what is YOUR purpose in bringing up YOUR children?

andrew, please share?

AndrewPKYap SG

There is a recommendation regarding this in a parenting book I read more than 10 years back.

The suggestion is that the child, when he is making a nuisance of himself is actually "seeking" attention and that they way is to "lock" him up and stay with him locked up, away from public view and refuse to let him out unless he stops crying and apologized, (you can do the explaining why he/she is wrong) after he says he is sorry.

This is what I mean by seeking expert advice and recommendations.

After being locked up away from public view a few times (like in a mall toilet cubicle, for example or in a room at home away from everyone else in the living room), the child should get the message if it is a normal child. The child will realize that screaming and shouting is not going to get him the attention he craves but in fact, he will get the opposite.

You think that the way is to "always make a point to explain why he/she is wrong, after the initial reprimanding" but the experts are of the opinion that it is more effective to "lock" the child away and that would stop him from "seeking attention by making a nuisance of himself in public in future.

Chin Eng SG

is "attention seeking" the only reason why a child is making a nuisance of himself? can there be any other reasons?

AndrewPKYap SG

It does not matter actually, the child learns that there are better ways to express himself than to make a nuisance of himself.

If the parent (I am sure you have seen so many in Singapore) screams and shouts and hit the child in public, you will notice that the situation will escalate first then subside.

In the parent's delusional mind, s/he has "disciplined" the child and the child will not do it again... but in the child's mind it was: "OK I have gotten enough of what I wanted and now I can keep quiet, hey the next time I want attention I certainly know what to do... wah, so many people were looking at me!"

I rather not get into specifics and this thread is not meant as a parenting skills thread... it is meant as an urging of parents to learn parenting skills from reliable sources and not bring up children based on their own beliefs and delusions.

Chin Eng SG

In my opinion, it does matter a lot. As in any issue, getting down into the root cause is half the battle. Not all kids are attention seekers.

I am more concern about parents who sit around and does nothing. Perhaps in their minds: if I ignore the child long enough, he'd soon get tired and shut up. Perhaps these are equally delusional too.

In my opinion, "reliable" sources are based on the inclination of these sources. Those who walk around with the inclination towards psychology will dish out psychological solutions which may or may not be applicable to another culture. I know of people who seek such "reliable" sources and yet have children that grow up to be total s-holes.

AndrewPKYap SG

and I guess to you it is better to depend on one's own beliefs and delusions rather than experts because "it might not apply to one's culture and the results are not guaranteed?"

It does not matter whether people read "western" or "eastern" parenting guides... as long as it is from reliable sources and it will be better than bringing up children on beliefs and delusions in the parent's head.

I cannot for a moment understand why you are so against people learning from reliable sources.

Chin Eng SG

where did you read that I am against people learning from reliable sources?

all I am saying is: just by reading from reliable sources does not change the fact that the child is different each time. following strictly from reliable sources do not guarantee success because this "reliable" sources are only guides, at the end of the day, the parent MUST exercise some level of common sense.

in any case, reliable sources do not necessarily have to be books by "experts" with some letters behind their names.

a_splash SG

tough work, parenting Laughing

and all the post here....super chim.... Razz

Chin Eng SG

....by the way… how many children do you have?

AndrewPKYap SG

"Go to school for what? I know of people that go to school everyday and fail miserably"

"Go to hospitals for what? I know of people that go to hospitals and died"

"Exercise for what? I know of people that exercise and drop dead while they are exercising"

"and and and... I am god, I am the ultimate authority of what "good" children are and what s-holes children are..."

Chin Eng SG

very strange hor.... you asked:

er.... you did?

Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:
What is the yardstick that you use to measure what you think is the correct way tobring up children?

Chin Eng SG

sigh.... again i repeat: i did not say that "reliable" sources are no good, it's the over-reliance on these sources that may be bad.

.... so is school the only place to learn? and that you don't learn unless you're in school?

.... and that taking care of our health by having common sense in our diet is not a good thing?

.... aaa... this part quite true... Laughing

.... aaa... god thing again hah? but not godmod liao.

"I am the ultimate authority of what "good" children are and what s-holes children are..."

of course you are....

AndrewPKYap SG

"yardstick ... to measure ... the correct way to bring up children?

is taking about the PURPOSE of bringing up children? Rolling Eyes

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