Good Parenting Skills-Eastern/Western

last SG · 2007-07-09T13:27:37+00:00

hey I did not say you put my name. you engrish so bad hah? I asked you to show the examples that you'd claimed: that expert opinions were put down - SIMPLE...

mistyblue SG

I don't know about kids or parenting. But I know what is good and bad behaviour from kids and parents. I've not seen good behaviour from Local Parents and Kids. So a sweeping statement is that, local parenting skills really suck. I have my fair share of BIL kids in my house. When they run amok and throw all sorts of tantrums, destroy property, etc. The 2 parents seeing them acting out negative behaviour did not correct them, did not speak up and instead expect us, the host to correct and teach their kids. Their kids are in my place 7 days a week. You think I want to correct someone's kids? I cannot care less besides, I do not know if there are any thing that the parents do not like me to teach and then cause more conflict because of them. They are not my kids - so they should not be my problem.

I see so many ill behaved teens and kids all over the place. Seriously, I can only blame the parents for their bad parenting to bring up such a ill mannered generation.

Chin Eng SG

what are experts?

AndrewPKYap SG

...

AndrewPKYap SG

Sometimes I think the parents might be at their wits ends... they have no idea what works and what does not. They have run out of ideas as to what they should do. That is why it is so important to learn from the experts and get some tips from them.

It is always better to "prevent" bad behavior than it is to "correct" bad behavior.

What "bad" behavior can parents expect from their children? How to prevent them?

That is where learning from the experts come in handy. Some people had spent time and effort to think through all the issues, and might as well learn from them instead of acting based on your own "beliefs and delusions" or running out of ideas altogether.

AndrewPKYap SG

For example... when your wife is pregnant, you can run straight to the bookshop and buy a book that tells you what to expect during pregnancy and what to expect when the child is one month old... two, three, six... One Year, Two, Three... and so on.

You can know what to expect and how to prevent problems.

mistyblue SG

Well, I do not think its my job to go and learn and teach when the parents cannot be bothered. I do not believe parents are to be the kid's playmate and best friend. The parent should be a parent.

ordinaryguy32 SG

mistyblue, I know all about your woes from the PIL thread, and I must say you are really doing a good job being proactive and positive about things. I like to add that my MIL seems to exist to make my life rougher, but that's the topic of another thread another time.

As for your BIL kids type, we seem to see them everywhere... In ToyRUs, on the streets, in kindergarten...

I would like to say that it is nobody's responsibility but the parents (and maybe the teachers) to correct the behavior of such kids.

Usually parents with such kids are busy pursuing the finer points of life, and have no knowledge/desire to discipline their children, and we may all agree it is very sad and pathetic.

I know you don't want to have kids of your own for now, due to the "evidence" of bad state of kids these days, but I like to add that the discipline of your kids is entirely in your hands. That's the good news. The not-so-good news is as you may know already, it is no easy feat to balance discipline and love/freedom.

There are parents in SG that are willing to learn/accept the responsibility of disciplining their kids (I like to say I am one of them, and others in this forum like Chin Eng, Andrew too)... but we are in the minority, sadly...

Hopefully this forum can help create awareness of such a need..

MiX Metal SG

I think problem is that most parents here are still not very open with getting help with rising their own child as the standard pratice is to bring their children up the way they were brought up and maybe add in afew other points that they think will help.

Thats why we see so many kids misbehaving themselves in the public and parents not correcting them.

AndrewPKYap SG

Exactly my motivation for starting this thread.... and thank you for contributing your views...

ordinaryguy32 SG

I think everyone's idea of common sense is about the same, but I do not wish to open a can of worms talking about the definition of it.

Taking a long term view, if the love I dish out harms the child long term, according to the experts, I will modify my behaviour accordingly.

Letting the child suffer some distress depends on whether the child experiences trauma or not. Again, that depends on what the expert thinks. I used to dish the cane when my child is 1-2 years old, and I have learnt since not to use it.

I agree that parents should get as much knowledge as possible.

The danger is we shouldn't follow blindly the teachings of others, but to learn to use our instincts and common sense.. I think all of us are "human" enough to know that we are not delusional, and sometimes following the teachings of others blindly can lead to imbalance. That's why there are religious fanatics in this world who are highly educated but are influenced wrongly because they have no moral compass.

ordinaryguy32 SG

Agreed. I was brought up with the cane, and plenty of scoldings. And I like to think it could be better.

I remember telling myself I must use the cane on my child, if he is naughty.

But looking back, reading about parenting and watching supernanny helps me to teach my child better.

Now I aim to learn as much as possible about parenting...

My son doesn't fear me as much as I fear my dad. Very Happy

mistyblue SG

yeah and when you point out the bad behaviour to the kids, the parents react so negatively.

my MIL disciplined the BIL son. My BIL blew his top and storm off. So you think I even dare to touch the precious darlings. Then my SIL cane the daughter, I do not know why. The MIL told her to stop canning the girl and will call the police the next time. So you think I even dare to interferre? Obviously the kids are making full use of the opportunity loh.

AndrewPKYap SG

Actually from my experience, it is possible to be your kid's best friend and teacher/parent/disciplinarian. You just need to know what to do and when to do it.

The last thing you should do is become to your kids "public enemy number one" or "old foggies with ancient concepts and ideas".

Unfortunately you need a lot of time to explain your positions and gain their trust and friendship and time is something Singapore parents do not have. The present gahmen wants to extend people's retirement age some more! CRAPZ Rolling Eyes

mistyblue SG

There’s lots more bad parents than I care to tell. I have a colleague who rather work till 10pm and not go home to her 2 kids. The way she deals with me, the lack of patience, and care. Her aggressive and over ambitious and insecure attitude, tells me something about her kids.

ordinaryguy32 SG

Your BIL may not like the way your MIL discipline his son.
But if one chooses to put the kids in a particular place/school, one has to live with it sometimes, and that includes accepting their mode of discipline.

When your SIL canes her daughter, it's wrong for MIL to interfere, because according to what I read before, 2 contradicting opinions in full view of the kids teach the kids nothing, and as u say, they learn to work around.

What your BIL/SIL needs is to accept that they need to discipline their kids, and to learn how to discipline them.

It's still not too late, when they are below 12.

MiX Metal SG

Thats how I was brought up too ...... Sad and much worst, I've even been caned infront of my whole class by my parents back when I was in primary school. ...... I hated my parents back then but we've talk about it and made up Wink ..... and I told myself that I'll never do that to my own kids.

AndrewPKYap SG

I think that you can stop using the cane because you know what else you can do besides using the cane. Some people have no idea what else they can do and or they simply write off expert advice and simply cling on to their own "beliefs and delusions".

I always ask parents I know what they do if the child does not listen after the caning? Cane harder? and if they still do not listen, cane until they bleed?

Many parents I realise, just simply ignore the problem and refuse to admit that their child has not learnt anything from the caning and is doing the same nonsense over and over again. They simply cane every time the child is up to his nonsense instead of helping the child to change his behavior and solve the problem at the root.

ordinaryguy32 SG

She needs a dose of this forum. Wink
Orh well, maybe she needs a virtual overhaul of herself..

ordinaryguy32 SG

Originally posted by MiX Metal:

Thats how I was brought up too ...... Sad and much worst, I've even been caned infront of my whole class by my parents back when I was in primary school . ...... I hated my parents back then but we've talk about it and made up Wink ..... and I told myself that I'll never do that to my own kids.

Great you learn the "opposite" thing. Smile
When I was 5-6, I was caned in the market one Sunday morning by my dad.
A lot of aunties/ah pors were watching...

Some nodded their head vigorously in agreement at my misfortune, while others told my dad to stop... those were the days... Laughing

ordinaryguy32 SG

Yup, experts have said that caning teaches nothing, because only the instant pain is registered in the child's mind, and he learns nothing.

I don't remember learning anything after my caning sessions.

All I know is that it is painful. Laughing

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