Good Parenting Skills-Eastern/Western

last SG · 2007-07-09T13:27:37+00:00

hey I did not say you put my name. you engrish so bad hah? I asked you to show the examples that you'd claimed: that expert opinions were put down - SIMPLE...

mistyblue SG

I am the one who will choose never to interfere or teach the 2 kids. Already I quarrel with my husband over them. The 2 kids give me so much issues. So I really don't like to have them around. And the parents like that, the grandparents like that.
My policy: Keep Quiet, Keep out, Don't care even if they tear down my house. They are not my kids.

ordinaryguy32 SG

Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:
I think that you can stop using the cane because you know what else you can do besides using the cane. Some people have no idea what else they can do and or they simply write off expert advice and simply cling on to their own "beliefs and delusions".

I always ask parents I know what they do if the child does not listen after the caning? Cane harder? and if they still do not listen, cane until they bleed?

Many parents I realise, just simply ignore the problem and refuse to admit that their child has not learnt anything from the caning and is doing the same nonsense over and over again. They simply cane every time the child is up to his nonsense instead of helping the child to change his behavior and solve the problem at the root.

I think delusions is too strong a word...
I would say ignorance is a better word.

But we cannot know everything under the sun, from A to Z, about all aspects of life... can we?

Therefore I like to say ignorance is not a sin. Rather it is just a state of affairs.

mistyblue SG

Har har! From the way she back stab me and her insecurities. She needs more than forum. Anyways, its also no my problem and I think the kids are better off without her around them.

ordinaryguy32 SG

It depends on how much you can take really.
I would think setting ground rules help, but I guess that takes authority, and perhaps closing one eye is better.

AndrewPKYap SG

Good one...
Parent: "Have you learnt anything from the caning?"
Child: "Yes"
Parent: "Good."

If only the parent had continued asking:
Parent: "What was the lesson you learnt?"
Child: "Caning is painful?" Mr. Green

AndrewPKYap SG

and this is what I meant by "the delusions in their heads"

They are deluded if they think that the child learnt anything positive from their caning.... There are many examples of such delusions in people's heads.

mistyblue SG

My job is to pay for the house. I don't use any facilities except my room and my toilet. My only job is to clean the house once a week. My HB told me that he will not and cannot change any behaviours and so I should let everyone do as they please.
So no support. Better shut the f up. Already every day quarrel. Stress from work. Stress at home. I rather not care and let everything just collaspe.

AndrewPKYap SG

Your own children is hard enough... I don't think there is anything that you can do about other people's children...

Why are you in agony over the situation? Have you not come to accept it?

AndrewPKYap SG

Summary:

mistyblue SG

can don't accept? These kids are there 7 days a week. 365 days a year. I avoid them, stay in room. Work late etc

AndrewPKYap SG

I mean, you seem to be still "sore" about the situation... the bad feelings... you seem unable to let go of the bad feelings...

Maybe you should make an effort in this direction one way or another to remove the "bad feelings" out of your system... you cannot know or perceive the consequences of such bad vibes...

mistyblue SG

I already know the consequence. I am viewed as a destroyer of their good family life - my HB repeat this so many times - I literally took it out on my pictures - drew horns on my head. Would you not be sore when the parents rather go shopping and spend weekends making more little monsters and dump the kids in your house because MIL will take care of them. Then HB will go play with them all the time. He works shift and I hardly see him. When he is back and there are kids, he puts all the time on them. You think how I feel. I might as well not get married. I am like a bank account and maid. To provide for everyone. Get nothing back, except abuse. This is my destiny. Its not easy to accept. How can you accept this to be the only lot? I would not but I can only feel bitter. I am trying to change and do my own stuff outside or whatever - cause i cannot care anymore what everyone wants to do.

ordinaryguy32 SG

Accepting with resentment, and accepting with positive outlook is two different things..

The first can boil over into drastic acts, while the second retains inner peace.

Have you considered refuge into a religion of your choice?
It helps immensely sometimes.

mistyblue SG

forget it lah. I am thinking of removing myself. religion cannot help.

What positive outlook can I get? That they will go up and keep coming back? They will regard me as their aunt and no some one who cleans up after everyone? Or that I will be the one to pay for the next bigger car so as to fetch their family around? What do I get out of all these?

Religion cannot help. I can choose to change myself but for what. How many times have I got to change so that other people can continue to step all over me. How much do I need to bend over backwards before I snap and maybe run into incoming traffic?

Its Ok when HB is supporting. When HB only support his family. I am srewed the day I got married. Anyways, its always regret.

ordinaryguy32 SG

It is perfectly reasonable to feel bitter. Nobody can deny you your feelings..

I know you mentioned things can be worked out with your hubby, instead of the divorce route. I think a reasonable first step is to let your hubby understand that you need his time. Put it across reasonably, he will understand.

Granted, he is helping his mum out in relieving her of the "burden". Maybe that's a promise he gave her.

I know this sounds stupid because you resent the kids, but maybe you both can bring the kids to the movies.. at least, there's some coupletime to steal from those moments.

A step back, two steps forward... is the first step to winning...

Hope that helps..

MiX Metal SG

Laughing

good one !

Chin Eng SG

so what are experts.....?

if, say, someone you know has done the above (short of writing a book - sarcasm unintended) he is an expert......

but because there is no hard facts ie qualifications, credentials to officially recognise the expertise, wouldn't you say then, the credentials are the children?

that being the case, in the first place, these people who "had spent time and effort to think through all the issues" stuck through their beliefs and were successful in raising kids, how the delusional part come in...?

seems that you are quite attached the word "delusional"....

ordinaryguy32 SG

Originally posted by mistyblue:

forget it lah. I am thinking of removing myself. religion cannot help.

What positive outlook can I get? That they will go up and keep coming back? They will regard me as their aunt and no some one who cleans up after everyone? Or that I will be the one to pay for the next bigger car so as to fetch their family around? What do I get out of all these?

Religion cannot help. I can choose to change myself but for what . How many times have I got to change so that other people can continue to step all over me. How much do I need to bend over backwards before I snap and maybe run into incoming traffic?

Its Ok when HB is supporting. When HB only support his family. I am srewed the day I got married. Anyways, its always regret.

I feel you are already near snapping point, and that cannot be good.

You can choose to change yourself, for your own happiness.

Religion gives one the inner strength and courage to smile in the face of difficulties, and to stop people from stepping over oneself without any need for retaliation.

For a start, it's good to read about Mother Teresa, and Mahatma Gandhi.

You underestimate your own power to change things and people around you, not meaning to sound ridiculous.

Your time is not up yet, so don't think of running into incoming traffic.

In any case, separation may be a first step to reconcilation or divorce, whichever leads to a better life.

mistyblue SG

help has a limit.
i ask my HB if he consider counseling. He flat refused. I feel sad thinking about some job issues. Or I make negative comments about anything, job, TV or any f-thing. He tell me to stop and not talk. I cannot have a black face from bad day. I must act like clown or everyone thinks I am angry with them. I cannot feel unwell or sick because he does not believe it. Anything I do will affect his mood for the day. But he is for most days, most times, moody and black faced. I still have to remain cheerful otherwise it will make his day worse and then I am to be blamed. Anyways, like I say, regret.

Take them for movies. These kids cannot behave and stand still for one moment. Their own parents don't even want to bring them along when they go shopping. When these kids go out, the MIL must tag along to take care of them both. Bring them out on my own? To be responsible for them? Tough job even their parents reject.

Chin Eng SG

while it has already been established that I am a parent, unfortunately numerous questions directed at andrew on his status remains unanswered.

so andrew boy, are you a parent, if so how may children?

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