Divorce and re-marry

last SG · 2007-02-16T02:34:50+00:00

I dont know. But the point is. She can file for divorce even if she is the one being unfaithful.

ShrodingersCat SG

Actually Hmmm, I think the issue with ur wife is more that she does not want to leave HK than anything else.

It is very difficult to be 'uprooted' from family and a culture you are familiar with. Ultimately her actions show that it is not that she doesn't want to work. You say it is hard for you to 'settle' in HK find a new job etc, but for her it would have been the same thing. To come to Singapore, suddenly get a pay cut, work in a strange new environment.

Ultimately both of you are alike. Both refuse to get used to strange surroundings, adapt to new challenges, take risks. But at the very least, she HAS joined you in Singapore for a short while, even though she gave up. Perhaps you should at least return the favour, and TRY to do what she could not.

Ask her, if you keep your promise, join her in HK but due to different environment etc, will need time to settle financially again - how would she feel? She may have said nasty things in quarrel - about herself being richer, etc - but who doesn't say angry hurtful things in an argument? Give each other a time frame - how many years did she stay with you in Singapore? 2? 3? Stay with her 2 years in HK and start to build a life together there. Like you said, the child is the biggest victim in a divorce. Don't think about that so fast because you havent tried EVERY solution yet.

Also, as vicious kitty says, how come your topic talk about remarry? Havent even divorce u think about remarry liao. Already have someone in mind?

viciouskitty74 SG

Not telling you until I know who and what you are.

walesa SG

To be fair, that's hardly a fair assessment to make. It's hardly even remotely true to suggest that "almost everyone in the USA comes from a broken family". Even for those that come from broken families and thrive, a lot has to be attributed to the environment over there which encourages independence from young - it's the culture and environment that helps to nurture the survival instincts in them.

norm SG

I think your wife feel financially insecure about your $2.5K having to feed 3 mouths. $2.5k is quite a big amount of money in Spore. But in hk, maybe thats not enough. Can consider moving to live in places like Shenzhen in China where your salary is considered very high, as the cost of living there is very low.

walesa SG

The only mistake you've made in this whole episode is not your promise to go to HK; rather, it's you committing yourself to a woman whom you barely know(of course, your wife is not blameless in this too) - and that, in essence, is your entire problem.

That said, your issues are certainly more complicated than what they seem on the surface. I suggest you consider your divorce and your child's custody as seperate matters if it helps you sort out your thoughts somewhat.

Addressing a potential divorce (should things come to that), where exactly was your marriage registered - HK, Singapore or both? That alone would go a long way towards dictating which course (and where) of legal action to pursue.

As for the custody of your child, while you mentioned he's a Singapore citizen, is he also a HK SAR resident? Whether your child is a HK SAR resident would also dictate how the fight for your child's custody could eventually pan out. Needless to say, should your child be a HK SAR resident (whether he was registered as a resident by birth or your wife did so for him without your knowledge), then this might not be an issue that could be addressed by the Singapore judicial system (which would be further complicated if your marriage was registered in HK) alone.

Without answers to the above questions, it's almost impossible for anyone to dispense any sound advice as to how to address the legal aspects of this issue. I suggest you then consult a lawyer in Singapore and/or HK on the above, depending on what your answers to the above questions are.

As for the emotional issues surrounding this problem of yours, you might want to seriously consider speaking to your wife about what the future holds for your family. In particular, to avoid a repeat of this scenario in future, you two might want to iron out the issues ranging from your immediate relocation conundrum to what exactly each party's role and contribution(do address issues including meeting her demands unreasonable housing and travelling demands if you find that to be unreasonable) to the marriage/family should entail. The fact that your wife has gone off to HK with your son clearly demonstrates she isn't that selfish afterall - at least, she bothered to bring your son back to HK with her instead of just packing up and returning to your in-laws' place on her own while carrying out her divorce proceedings. Besides, the fact she's still "threatening" you with a divorce could perhaps serve as an indication she's still in the "considering-all-options" phase(rather than having made an irrevocable decision where a divorce is inevitable) and that things may not yet be as dire as you imagine them to be? (While I wouldn't know what your wife is like, I think - from my experience at least - it's generally fair to say more often than not, women, in the heat of things, do tend to make threats which they may not be really intending to carry out.)

In essence, all hope's not lost and you should perhaps work on the emotional issues before considering the legal alternatives... Wink

father_and_son SG

Hi to All,
Happy Lunar New Year to everyone here. And I deeply appreciate every contribution of your advise, opinions, comments, etc... Over here, i will reply in 2 section, where first is to reply to individual's query, as also to help others a better understanding.
Secondly, to share with everyone an update of mystay in HK these few days with inlaws, and wife.

father_and_son SG

Blu_sky

Just curious. you had promised her to move to HK? When you promised her, did you mean it?

Yes, i promise and i meant it. But common understand is still to try this possibility, and should there be any failure that living dont contribute any better, both will return to SG. Period is 2 years. My concern is my son and family stability, in term of finance, son's education, and accommodation. I did mention to her in my last changes that, I would like to see finance, son's education, and accommodation in stable mood, then i will take action for my move to HK gradually. . Well, transition could be 4 to 8 mths.

if you did, why you've changed your mind

As i said earlier, i cant afford to take this hash decision, due to family and my kid as a major concern.

if you didnt mean it, why you promised her?

I have to be very cautious, i dont put my family at risk.

fymk
Your point noted, seems very true though.

Remember Singapore will hang on to any male Singaporean for the sole purpose of NS , therefore your wife will not be able to get him out easily once custody comes into play.

But no one know what my son or the country will be in 20 years time.

Give your lawyer contacts. thanks. Does sgforums accept private msg?

Arapahoe

But if you dare to move...it is to build your character and strength and face live forward. Working 9 to 5 earn $2500 and say is enough!!!!! Which world you come from....take a foreign wife must prepared to face the global standard......of relationship.

I does have a thought that my wife make my life widen to newer horizon, with every new challenges. However, all contribute to pressure of being the sole bread-winner for the household. ITs 21st centuary, I wish im living in the 70s, that should work.. Lolzzz..

viciouskitty74

You think, with her and son in HK, and you in Singapore? You should maybe hope for the best that your wife will eventually find means to bring up your sons and your excuse for not being in HongKong providing?
or are you planning to stop contributing financially since you guys are spilt apart at the moment?
if so....yes, I still think you are thinking far, and there is lots of such males around. You arent the only one to have calculated to that step.

This is Singapore and HK, not USA.. There is no natural resource, land is scarce, and where the only resource is HUMAN .. Government here dont support pension or any form of long term $$$ relief. May say calculative, but I just want to be very cautious.

ShrodingersCat
Its true that my wife not really to leave HK than anything else. But sometime, she still has optimistic view living in SG, such as security, housing, and education. Only that for now, every singapore things and thoughts is always the worst.

Ask her, if you keep your promise, join her in HK but due to different environment etc, will need time to settle financially again - how would she feel? She may have said nasty things in quarrel - about herself being richer, etc - but who doesn't say angry hurtful things in an argument? Give each other a time frame - how many years did she stay with you in Singapore? 2? 3? Stay with her 2 years in HK and start to build a life together there.

I ever have that thought of 'exchanging' trials... of living in different country 2-3 years.. I think long term; the fact is HK is Special Administrative Region (S.A.R.) to China, where SG is already a country. Im not worry about myself in HK or SG, Its my son who will be living through in 20-30 years time. What lies ahead is the future, though staying in SG is sometime quiet f**k up. Laughing SG is not too bad afterall.

norm

Doesnt matter take home pay is 2.5k o not. Its a matter of whose role and resposibility one is playing in a family. Its practicality, both parents works theses days to support a family living, moreover, i didnt force her to work also. She has an option, i have none. Laughing

walesa

Addressing a potential divorce (should things come to that), where exactly was your marriage registered - HK, Singapore or both? That alone would go a long way towards dictating which course (and where) of legal action to pursue.

I register in SG only.

My son is not HK SAR Resident. Its takes 7 years to turn a second class PR to HK SAR citizen. However, he has just successfully approve of Dependant Visa, same as me. The approval, i guess 70% of the support is based on my assets, and the rest from my wife's.

. Besides, the fact she's still "threatening" you with a divorce could perhaps serve as an indication she's still in the "considering-all-options" phase(rather than having made an irrevocable decision where a divorce is inevitable) and that things may not yet be as dire as you imagine them to be? (While I wouldn't know what your wife is like, I think - from my experience at least - it's generally fair to say more often than not, women, in the heat of things, do tend to make threats which they may not be really intending to carry out.)

Its a relief, and I can see it may be true when im with her since friday. Laughing

Arapahoe SG

Kitty

some ex crazy killer from singapore curently residing in orange county.... Cool

father_and_son SG

Met my wife in HK last friday evening. Same kinda of attitude, but better than that day she is sobbing and wanting a divoice... I think partly its becos i done my work to sent her 50 roses to her in HK 2 days before V-day .. Laughing

But still kinda turn-down attitude to me, as if i owe her a life's time money. Its visible that certain action does show concern to me and know what i want without asking. Not to be too sensitive if im right, but i jus want to be appreciative. Furthermore, she still telling the world that she will never return to SG again.

today happen an incident where i cant endure any longer... U know every has a name,, and she keep yelling at me, Wei!!, Wei!! ... its in the public, many people, and its loud that every can hear and notice her. Im telling myself "Am i your pet, or a stranger to you?I have a name and im your husband!" "Wei!, Wei! come here. Wei! Wei! "

I got face off and by ignoring her initially, till she come nears me.. She still keep calling ,, "Wei!!, Deaf!! Mr Deaf!! Wei!! .. While busy looking my son, I turn back and reply her "I DONT HAVE A NAME?, WHO ON EARTH DO I KNOW THAT YOU ARE CALLING ME?" ... She show anger by walking back ...
Laughing
Life is sucxx.!!... But its gets better after reunion dinner by calling my name.... Some how, that kinda piss-off attitude is with her.. On the other hand im appreciative of some of her concern is showing. ..
Oh well.. I think i would like to share a fair bit of my update the forums ... Any opinions, comments, advise, criticisms, etc are welcome .. In all, the situation is optimistic. She show being happy living in HK, and i cant perceive whats inside her heart.

allentyb SG

I hope you can resolve this matter peacefully, my sincere concern to you, cheers

AndrewPKYap SG

Are you a little too sensitive? Calling you "wei" and you get fed-up? Don't sweat the little things in life or you will have a hard time going through life.

My experience is that since she is willing to meet you in HK and your marriage seems to be going on, continue like this and see what happens next. One day at a time. You do your best and if she gives you divorce papers than you know it is the end. She threatens to divorce you but you don't threaten back than things will turn out well in the end.

Maybe you will have a long distance relationship for the time being and wait for something to turn up, like you get retrenched in Singapore (hahaha, I am so bad) and find a better job in HK.

Personally, if I were you I will stay in Hong Kong. I like countries where, when the people protest, the government do not raise the GST even if they feel that it is right to raise it. They respect people's views.

I like Singapore better now than Singapore 5 years ago (after the changes these few years) but still HK or Bangkok is better anytime...

viciouskitty74 SG

You didnt get my point.

I am Singaporean, one year your senior, divorced & has a 3rm HDB flat. Lived, work & had my whole life in Singapore. I ride motorcycles for touring, I have the full range of every conceivable riding & driving licences from Singapore. And I only have a 'o' level.

I worked in Legal, Purchasing, Touristy stuffs, waitressing & Human Resources. I know how tough it is to grow attached to your style of living until something else better pops up. Or until you are disillusioned!

Losing one of you, Singapore will still keep running and upping GST, ERPs and whats nots.

But losing your family, which do you think will hurt the most?

You have so far not mentioned how old your son is, what's your financial status like or what your family supports are.

All you are reading here are the general crap we see on any other forum everyday.

And from your topic title, it looks like you are planning for the worse. (Mind you, not prepared, but very obviously plotting for the worse.)

viciouskitty74 SG

Here's advise for you.

Dont grow attached and think your world revolve around Singapore, Does it revolve around yourself & your family?

Now on holiday with wife for CNY rite.

Talk to her, see what kind of finances she need. Discuss with her the future of your son, afterall, he would still need to serve NS when it comes.

Sons education, is it better for him to be educated in SG or HK? Both of you has to come to terms with his future.

even if divorce, he is still your son, and he needs your finances to eat, study & play. (Or you were planning to give that up to your wife?)

Goes back to Singapore to work.

But if truly you misses your family and wishes to at least work your marriage out.

rent out your current home and goes over for 2 years. use that 2 years to also pick up skills in HK. Treat it as a sabbatical.

Devil1976 SG

Hmm...

father_and_son SG

I have access to her email, and that is without her knowing. To my surprise,,, my wife has planned for a trip to japan. Hotel has been book with a room with double bed. Guess who she is with? Her Ex-boyfren ..
Should I continue to go on this relationship? And i only realise this without her knowing and her telling me...

Sheepophile SG

Hmm my buddy calls me OOOOOIIIIII all the time. i didnt even get upset with him.

Smile Smile

T.Ryousuke SG

I will not comment on access email thing.

But base on yr finding, she had cross the line as I think initially your might had suspected it. We just base on yr words, but in many case observation is needed to tell what she is up to. From the way she respond to you can tell whether is she hidden something from you.

father_and_son SG

I have the intention to hire a Private Investigator to nail down the marital issue here..
Any recommendation will be appreciated. And anyone know the cost of a 4 days job in Japan? ..

CannyOng SG

What good do u see in yr wife? All I can see is she is money sucker and attitude gal. Is becos of her beautiful appearance that blind u everything?
I will say she is not the type of gal u can handle. It is amazing u can get along with her for almost 3 yrs....

virtualchick SG

Hi very sad to hear your story.

I can only tell you my personal opinion. You may have yours.

Family is everything. If I want my son, I will bend over backwards ie I will stay in HK and try to make it work, especially if I don't really want to divorce.

Example: if your son was kidnapped, you will give up all your money for him and start all over again. Money can earn again. You do business, you lose money, its gone. Your family falls sick, your money gone. No guarantee, no planning can predict future. Tomorrow you get retrenched, no more job. Accident, gone also. Your guarantee is your ability. If you are capable and willing, you will rise to the level intended for you. But family is forever.

Your wife going to Japan with another guy: sorry I cannot really advise. But I try okay? You can pretend nothing happened, and stay together for the sake of your son, until someone initiates divorce. You can confront, but it will get ugly, and may even bring up the divorce issue, which you are trying to avoid. So the question is, do you still love her, is she worth fighting for? Is your son worth the humiliation (of your wife having an affair). Maybe the best is to see a marriage counsellor or mediator talk it out then see her reaction whether she follows through with it and be prepared for the outcome (ie if you hire a private investigator that presents proof what you will do then).

If divorce, child normally awarded to mother. Not sure if she is the wronging party. This you need to check with lawyer.

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