Am i right?

last SG · 2005-09-02T14:22:17+00:00

There is no right or wrong but your heart would tell you the best. If your heart is telling you to stay, and give him a second chance, then accept it though...

a_splash SG

read your thread...and i really can't stop myself from loging on to post...oops i break my words to myself.. (don't bother to know y tho) Embarassed

seriously kiekie, whether spouse is willing to do things for u also depend verymuch on how u 'play the game' if u choose to spoil them, even a goody one will stand on your head and SHI T!

if he can hv the money to go pub, meaning your finances are fine?? i don't know,....y do u hv to take on such a big role??? let the man do it! u are spoiling him...please if you want a better life for yourself....u hv to learn to know what u need to do and what u don't need to.....u hv to give him a chance to proof his love for u....don't just give and give.......

that's all i can say...

Best of Luck to U!

ok....sneaking off........shhhhhh Mr. Green

mistyblue SG

not asking you to betray him. Do not stoop that low and know that you do not need to be spiteful.
You can make new friends? You can take vacation? You have weekends? You can go exercising? You can read a book? You can don't do all the housework ? You can just book yourself into a hotel for a couple of days and use the gym or swimming facilities and just to be pampered?
You can call your family and do things? You can do lots and its just time management.
The moment you think its impossible. You have lost the battle.

My take is that if you are unhappy and not willing to waste anymore or this short time on earth with a unhappy r/s by your confession .. I will have to take it you are willing to make some changes in your life and even bear with the consequences. And I have to tell you, that if you do not take the first step, no matter what we say, its all useless garbage - and bear in mind no one can help you except yourself. If its only to rant then so be it - then its really end of suggestions... we can read but not really suggest things

The one thing all women do when they get hitch is to ditch their friends. Then when they need help, they cannot find any.

mistyblue SG

In that 2 months
- not very long ... not very short.

Can you wait? What is your expected outcome of their meeting? When and where is the meeting and should you join in the meeting?
Do you want to save your R/s?
You need to be clear and specific with him on how to "Win" you back
Not half hearted effort ... not meaningless actions that help him "Reduce" his guilty and have you continue as his free maid and (very bluntly) sex-object when he needs it.
You also need to be very objective what constitude a transgression and what is not to You cause to many people - SMS/say lovey dovy things or having an emotional r/s with another person might be interpreted as - "Simply Friends"
What does he have to do to build back what he had destroyed - ie answer your calls.
What else would you need to monitor and you need him to open up to let you know he can be trusted?
What else you need to find out from him where the r/s break down and he seek outside avenues.

And you also have to do your part. Do not be the maid. Do not give him $. Do not let him think you have no other options than to be with him. Do not go soft and let him have his way around you again. Do let him know the hurt and unhappiness he had caused.

kiekie SG

Thanks for ur advice. U r right, i got to take the first step. But i dun how....... now he must be thinking that i come back can already and feel at ease. If i started making new friends or wat...will he feel that i changed? I am scared that he will be unhappy... and then he will stray again. Crying or Very sad

kiekie SG

Thanks misty. ur advice is great. But if i dun do the chores, the house will be like a garbage.... Sad If i dun give him $ i scared he no $ to spend........ Crying or Very sad Do i sound more like a mother to him? Cool That night i packed my things and go, i checked his wallet and found a couple of $2 only, so i squeezed in $50 for him... i m a weakling

papercut87 SG

hi kiekie... read through ur problem and i felt really sad for you. you seriously do that deserve this unfair treatment from your husband... i dont get it, why is it him that gets away with all the mean stuff he has done in the past and you to bear all the emotional pain? *sigh* anyway, i really admire ur unrequitted love for him... he's one lucky fella to have u as his wifey.

actually i was wondering.. when the both of you were dating, did he treat you like a princess..? he changed after the marriage is it? i think the reason why he contacted other ladies was becos he took ur love for him for granted..

well, now thats its all over, and he is trying his best to show u that he's change, i hope he treasures this chance and not repeat his mistake any longer..

stay strong k ? Smile *hugs*

mistyblue SG

ease - meaning he feel you had forgiven and not try anymore? or have you made known that you moving back do not mean you are forgiving him but giving him one chance ... its different interpretation that is going to complicate things. Lots of people mis-interprete actions

Your own friends is really your life. He has his friends what.. and you didn't even question him. You mean you are afraid he's not going to trust you with your friends? Then why should you trust him with any friends?
You mean you don't have the freedom to have friends and he should be worried?
I think you think too much. Going out with your Female or Male friends for Coffee or movie is Ok ... if you don't feel good, go in a group. Or attend group functions like this forum outings or ask your friends out .. whatever. You need to get away sometimes and enjoy your life a bit. If he wants to tie you down and suspect you and isolate you ... then I wodner if he understand trust and r/s at all.

BTW, Is the level of communication satisfactory in your r/s. If its not, its also something to work at.

kiekie SG

He dun treat me like a princess la.. Laughing keke.. juz more caring and show more affection. Yesterday, he kept calling me as he didn't go to work because i was missing.... I dun dare to tell my family abt it and i will not cuz i dun want them to worry for me. During dating... we aren't like other couples who will watch movies.. infact we only watched thrice for these 4yrs. We go out with his friends, have short vacation trips... watch drama series at home and have a huge collection of toys.. and swords. All r his interest..which i tried my best to follow and shown interest in. Maybe i m too boring as i alwaz dun request for anything.

I m not the type who will tell him hey i wana buy this or that or i wana eat this or that. I m not, i rather go shopping alone while he meet up with his frens.......

kiekie SG

I think i should get a life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mao x 2 SG

Yup.. you should. perhaps you should try reverse psychology on him.

mistyblue SG

YOU need to CHANGE your thinking.

House - garbage? -> He also need to put in the effort to upkeep the house. If he does not, then why are you Cleaning up after him. Like I say, if its garbage, can he not pay for a part-time cleaner so that you can rest? Is he really really Loving you or just paying you lip service?
If you love the person, you would not want the person to slog like a maid just so to have a clean environment.

$ is yours - why should he come to you for $ to spend. He don't have work meh?
If he don't have Money - Is he disabled that he cannot work?
My dad would never ask money from a woman cause he got dignity. He go pick cardboard box to support his family. You husband got no dignity and he's like a Xiao Bai Lian. Plus he has no shame. $2? Hello!!!! I also have only $2 in my wallet for 2 months!!!! My BF also BO-HIEW!

PLease the Guy havd Hands and Legs and is working like you are also working. WHY are you doing all these things ...

BTW If you Find yourself in a HOLE you had Dug ... STOP Digging!

kiekie SG

i can't stop crying... today i nv go work cuz i overslept. I hardly sleep yesterday night.. cuz i look at him... i am so depressed......i cried and cried and cried and hide in the toilet n cried ........ I cannot take it... I ve the urge to moved all my things home now and leave him.

mistyblue SG

You should get YOUR own Life.

If you have to... tell your family.
there's nothing ashamed about it and if your family don't care .. who else will!

BTW, your Husband need to grow up. I had a classmate who is utterly childish and his wife really suffer and I know because she is so unhappy. He also keep all those toys and relies on his wife to do everything even help him with his school worrk. The wife becomes a crutch to support a useless person and she grew resentful of her life/husband and everything. They had a very empty life and house - and he wanted kids - I laffed very hard... She already had one....

You should have your own interest. He can have his. There should also be some compromises. R/s is not measured by movies or outings but the quality of outing. I watch lots of TV with my bf and he also introduce me to new things. However, its the communication we do during those times - through actions or words. If these things bother you, you should also make it clear to him. I doubt very much he would change cause I told my classmate off. He's still the same and resented that I had highlighted he needed to understand the bigger picture. So much for stupid people.

kiekie SG

I am so scared to get hurt again, esp by the one whom i loved so much, whom i tot i can spend my whole life with.

I canot imagine if we ve a kid in future... i will sure get " chan hou u yu zheng".

If i go now, it may lessen my hurt... Cuz i dun think i m able to withstand another setback or if he ever choose to leave me for another person....

mistyblue SG

You need time to yourself and sort things out. If it means getting away for a while... DO so.
Take your vacation and use it to think thigns through. This is your life and at this juncture, if you don't think about it, then when...
You can even get yourself a hotel room over the weekend and calm down.
You can also look for your friend/family who can help you and let you stay with them for a while....
You need to think through your life, take stock and look at your options and everything else that is happened and going to happen. If it helps write it down.
Then think what can you do to improve your life and make small changes one at a time and accept certain things such as a dirty house or the need to spend 2 hours every 6 months with a close friend. etc little things.

You obviously forced yourself to move back and by that he felt better ... Not you.

I know I am harsh and the truth is very hard especially when a stranger tells you about it. You too need to take actions to protect and take care of yourself because no one else will.
You cry for yourself and your life/time you had spent and the r/s that is sadly not working really well. R/s is a two person two way thing. I don't attest to knowing everything but I know it takes effort from both parties. I cannot tell you mine will last forever and I would never run into issues like yours therefore I cannot judge but I can only tell you... some of the things you are doing... need to change. I am also soft hearted and I get bullied a lot too.

kiekie SG

Now another problem is that his married colleague loves him alot. She even pour water using her own bottle for him and ask him to finish all. She stays back during lunch to help him do his work when he went for lunch. And he was so touched when he found out wat she has done for him. This are all he told me last time.

He said he already hinted her they are impossible as her husband treats her very well and she is already married with kids. But it's hard for him to tell her not to call him or sms him. cuz she will cry..easily..which he doesn't want things to turn out that way...

papercut87 SG

but whenever u go to bed/wake up every morning, you'll see the man beside you hu cheated ur feelings once and then you'll start to cry again... haiz , if this continues... you might undergo depression leh.. which is not healthy... if u keep having the urge to pack up and leave.... just leave lor, maybe the change be better for you. can't be so soft-hearted mar. Smile

kiekie SG

I m scared that i will go soft if he begged me again... But i m going to pack my things now.

papercut87 SG

diaoz... you believe that ar? could be with other way round you know.. it takes two to tango. Mad

mistyblue SG

that's why you need to take time out.

But you also must be prepared that he might after all want the other person but its just that she's married...
Solve one thing at a time. First solve your own life. Once you have your own life back in order... sometimes whatever the other person does, you would be able to handle it...
You cannot control his choices but you have to make your own choices for yourself.
If he choose to leave you ... you choose to be sad about your r/s. But also you must make other choices such as to move on and have other things to do and look forward. Perhaps you ever consider to choose to live happier with or without him...

In the back of my mind, I continuously think through, and know my bf and myself can live without each other and I run all the scenarios. I know I will grief but I know I have the strength to carry through and continue on my own and I have to do this without my parent's help and I have to re-manage my rental housing issue and adjust my finances.

« Previous Page Next Page »