Need some advice on affair issue

schui SG

Hi, would like to know can anybody maintain an affair just by using SMS or phone call without meeting each other?

mistyblue SG

Twisted Evil

parn SG

Subscribe to 3G network and you can easily maintain an affair...in fact, perfect for starting an affair. Smile

schui SG

My problem here is my husband is having an affiar with a China girl, and he is trying to maintain this relationship using phone call and sms as he has no money to fly over there to meet her. He is calling her everyday and night.

So far they had only meet twice (1 week in Sep 04 and 1 week in Oct 04). I'm very loss as whether should I go for a divorce as we have two children. We both do not agree with a divorce as I know deep inside him, he still love the me and the children. But somehow, I cannot stand the way things are carry out.

Therefore, I need some advise, if he carry on with phone call and sms, and this relationship dead off.

mistyblue SG

But did he actually admit it and take responsibility for breaking up the family or is it your guess.
I'm sorry for your situation and you should not stand a straying spouse.
You guys need to talk it out and even see a marriage counseller.

Xprobe SG

dont think it is out of pure love, tell him that he can carry on with her on the following conditions:

- dont send money/ support her/ no emergency funds either
- cannot fly her into spore (can only meet in China)/ no help in getting visa, education pass, tour, etc
- cannot get married

the girl will dumped him immediately - trust me, I am a guy and have spent my last 8 years in China.

schui SG

Well he had admitted it as I had saw all the sms in his phone and some naked mms with this girl during his trip in China.

Taking responsible in breaking off? I'm not too sure he is doing it as he is still calling her every day and night. I had ever asked him to go for counselling with me, however, he had rejected the idea.

Presently, I not talking to him, however, I can sense he wanted to patch thing up, however, I still giving him a cold shoulder as he has not break off from the girl yet.

Am I doing the right thing/

icepole SG

you need to have a heart to heart talk with him to clairfy all your doubts. if he truely care for you & your kids, he should wipe out all contacts with the China woman.

Xprobe SG

Ah, the thrill of being in love again or tasting the forbidden fruit...it will wear off as long as you play it cool...just make sure that the girl starts to realize that besides true love, there is nothing else he can offer in this relationship, then see what happens

mistyblue SG

Put it to you simply.. he want the cake and he wants to eat it. ie best of both worlds
How do you tell he is sincere in patching back? By breaking off and repenting he's done wrong.
He's still calling China ... what does it tell you about his actions and intents. His behaviour indicates he does not want to work out his problems and sorta expect you to accept that he is playing around. Your actions is condoneing him.

Don't be fooled.
Can you bring your kids and move out to relatives and cool down. Think carefully what you want next. Because he betrayed your trust and the marriage. I know its more complicated than that but you have to think for yourself and the kids. U will be emotionally hurt and abused and you will become so bitter it will be hard even to continue.

One question: can you live on your own and support your kids?

I am not experienced in this matters but I know this site where quite a number of them had personnally lived through these cases. Some divorced and are happy, some managed to pull together... But it all depends on situation. Reference these people's help if you need.

http://groups.msn.com/womenchannel/love.msnw

if you are looking for help and support... I am telling you straight. This forum has limited power to help. We can listen to you vent and lend you some support, ultimately. You need professional help and you need someone to be there for you all the way.
And finally: This is going to be a very difficult, very straining and very testing time for you.

I am sad for you situation. Truly...

parn SG

Hmm...well, as long as he will never meet up with that china girl again. His phone/sms fantasy won't last him for long.

Continue to love him as much as you usually does, in fact...love him even more than usual. You will need to work on his guilty conscience to make him change. Be nice to him...very nice, so nice that he will feel guilty to you and so nice that he might love you again. So nice that he will not bear to leave you for another. Twisted Evil

Pretend you didn't know about his affair or ignore it for the sake of your children. It's sad but there is no need to show him that you are depressed over his affair.

It's especially easy to bring him back to you again if you are dead sure that he still loves you deep inside his heart. As long as he is able to feel guilty to you, you have already won the battle. Smile

Plan some outing with him and the children...make some occasional comments about some make-up scenarios of married guys having an affair outside. Do not dwell on those comments, say and forget. Do not make it so obvious that he might suspect that you knew that he was having an affair.

The only way to maintain a marriage is to prevent cracks. So letting him know that you knew about his affair is definitely a no no. Man provide for after a marriage but Woman protect and maintain the marriage.

Good luck and I hope that you will be able to preserve your marriage to your fullest for the sake of your children. Sad

schui SG

That what I had told him after I discover the affair. At first he had promised he will slowly giving up the girl as he too is in love with the girl. The girl also smsl me and said she will give up the affair, give her some time.

Therefore I had given them 4 months, but it seem that they are not doing anything so far. The problem is this girl know he is married with two children and also know he has no money. Can anybody let me know what is the purpose for this girl to come chasing after my husband? The girl told me not to divorce and this puzzle me. Don't she wish to get married to a man she loved so much.

As money, I not too sure did my husband remitted any money to this girl. All I know he had remitted once in Oct after he came back from his last trip, after that I could track anything. Presently he is financally not stable, he need to ask money from me for daily expenses.

Xprobe SG

Question:

This a KTV girl? Which city in China?

The fact that he had at least remitted money to her once is good enuff reason to keep him on the hook. So, you must keep a tight noose on the financials (defend it by saying that it is for the sake of the kids, then he lan lan cannot throw temper). Wait out for a few months and observe. Chances are the girl will realise that he cannot squeeze anything more from this green-house cultivated Singaporean man, she will drop him like a rock.

Oh yes, check the recent financials and see if he sent her any money for CNY. This is the time that the girl will need more than what she can gather.

Xprobe SG

TYPICAL GREEN-HOUSED SPORE MEN - NEVER SEEN BIG SNAKE TAKE A PEE - SO NAIVE AND GUILLABLE - I SEE A LOT OF THESE DIE IN THE HANDS OF CHINA CHICS. WHEN THE MONEY STOPS, THE BLEEDING WILL TOO.

gerrykoh SG

Just cancel his hp & stop giving him money. Don't spoil him & accept what he has done.

schui SG

That my problem, I have no idea where to get a record to show me did be remitted any money.

Can you advise me how to get this record? I think be must have, cause he strike S$1250.00 on first day of new year. After lessing out some loan and give me$200.00, he did have some balance. But would not find any record.

Devil1976 SG

1. Mild phase:

Tell him if he really loves you and the 2 kids, then go for the family counselling with you. Do not let them drag on the relationship just like that, high chance is that it won't be broken off just like that. Time is a factor AGAINST YOU in this instance.

2. Control phase:

Cut your contact with that woman and especially the woman's with your husband at the same time. If your husband says give them 'some time', buy a date. After that, he should know to keep his words. If he don't, both of you would know that he just couldn't contain it.

3. Fierce phase:

As you've mentioned that you've got the upper hand in terms of finance. Cut off his phone line and the mode in which he contacts her. Meaning find out what means and sources he has of contacting the girl and terminate them once and for all. But note that this act might just backfire and get him pissed off. So be careful when doing so. After having done the above, furnish him by filling his time up. Spend more QUALITY TIME as a FAMILY TOGETHER. Go out often together and do things AS A FAMILY.

PS. Let him understand that things are not going to go right if continued in that direction. It's either bury the past and start afresh or divorce?

Xprobe SG

Getting the records will be difficult. The money will flow for awhile then, but make sure that your money dont flow to her. Given your mention of this state, the money will dry out. What I need to know is where is she now and what is she working as because this information is telling of her needed expenses and how long she feels it is worthwhile to milk him.

mistyblue SG

Let me repeat which I don't like:

you are supporting and condoneing his actions

You did not push your 4 month deadline. Still give him $

You did not ask him to change HP no. and the actions to cut ties

He see you are soft and thus he can 'Eat' you and make you continue support of his actions

He don't feel the pain now and he's proably enjoying himself but when he is dumped, he comes back crying and some (take note) might blame it on the partner or become another person.

If he tried this once and gets off lightly, he will try again and where will you be?

Do not let yourself be the doormat. Don't be stupid and think the china girl is good. She is playing mind games with you and your husband.
I find locals so simple minded it makes me weep!

Xprobe SG

Just tell me what she works as and where she is living now, i can work out the minimum maintenance cost for you.