Need some advice on affair issue

last SG · 2005-02-28T11:23:43+00:00

Put it to you simply.. he want the cake and he wants to eat it. ie best of both worlds How do you tell he is sincere in patching back? By breaking off and re...

mach10 SG

cummon, i tink he need to go "to the valley of shadow of death" and lose everything.
Then he will realise he's is no good match to u of tt china girl...

China girls mostly wants singapore men for apparent reasons.

Trust me, i got uncles who married china ladies... simply sucks when i see them on chinese new year...

You have to protect ur kids... Things are hard to say u noe...
worse for the educated china ladies... even a shanghai lady i worked under in a sales company, she "helped" her husband lose up to a million in property investment.

Quite well done here.

This world is too real too be good.

schui SG

Hi Xprobe,

Thank you for your help. Sorry for my late reply

From the information I gathered, this girl live in Cheng Du. She is working as a waitress at her brother steamboat shop. Understand from my husband, she get a small share, however, all money are control by her sister-in-law. But I don't believe she any share in the business, as her is not happy because she cannot get the money she wanted from this sister-in-law. She is find chances to start a fashion shop in Cheng Du.

Also, this girl is divorced and has a 14 years old son. However, the child stay with her husband. Xproble, what are the rule in China if the child don't stay with the mother, does she need to give money every month to he/her?

This girl also gamble (MJ) very big, he said 1 week at lest 4 times. But will give up this habit after knowing him. I don't believe, as I saw some SMS that she is continuing the habit behind his back.

I also believe this girl is after his money, and she had find out his background. She knows very well that his money source is from me, therefore, the main reason why she asked him not to divorce so as not to break the road.

juz_A_gal SG

hey.. i'm not married, but really, from the story and advice, i think you really need to show him who's the boss. do you want this marriage to continue? if yes, u still need to show him that you will not allow this continue - or else he will!!!
like someone said, take your children and stay somewhere else. cut him off from everything u've given him. let him suffer, then he'll know what the china woman is good for.

mistyblue SG

And so you have the solution to all your problems.
if he wants $, he make it himself instead of relying on wife. Then, if he wants $ and he wants to give it to the Chee-na, then he give from his own pocket. Why should you even support his behaviour by giving him $.

if you have shared account, you better check. If you leave your account books around, it time you keep them. If he has his passport around, you also need to keep it. You better safe guard yourself and your funds before the Cheena manage to get her hands through manipulation tactics on your husband and you end up with zero cash, zero savings, zero marriage, 2 kids and no one with you. Do not for one moment believe your husband is strong, if he was, he would have seen through the ploy.

Fuqua SG

COLD shoulder!!!!?
THAT cheating, 2face scum bag has an affair right under your nose, and you givng him cold shoulder!?? ONLY!!??? Sheesh!!!!!!!

He MAY be a good FATHER, but he's a lousy husband to YOU.
Lady, have some respect ... and dumped that piece of amoebic lifeform.

mistyblue SG

X2 her handling of the issue is too mild to send a message that she needs to send.

I would not advise on dumping but seriously they need tow work it out ot end the relationship.
There are many choices but surely, from what I see, she is part of her own problem.

schui SG

Hi,

I too had thought to dump him. But my elder son said he need family spirit, therefore, I presently trying very hard to pull the family together again for the children.

I giving myself a time frame to June 2005, by then if the problem don't resolve, as least I have tried my best. There would be any regret in the future.

I know is going to be very hard, there isn't any right or wrong things, but somehow I trying to get the best out of the situation. Some time I lost of what I doing and at time have doubt.

Thank for all your help and advise, I ready need them as this moment.

mistyblue SG

You can build the family spirit together with the kids. With or without your husband ... His wish is a bit wilful as he does not understand the consequence of living in a broken home with bitter parents. You need to explain to your kids about your decision whatever it is in future so as that they do not resent you in future. This is because under whatever circumstance, whatever your decision, you are also doing this out of your love for them as much as your love for yourself. If you cannot love yourself, you cannot love them full as well.
No I don't advise on splits but I see the necessity if it comes to some situation. I cannot judge and I cannot instruct but I hope the site I gave you, showed some insight to what ppl do in this kind of situation. Some are worse off because they are totally reliant on the husband and the husband are abusive as well as unfaithful.

Xprobe SG

Wah liao, a bit complicated with this one. First of all, if she is Szechuan girl and not working in KTV, then a bit worrisome because Szechuan girls are much less materialistic than others. Plus the fact that she has a 14yr old son makes her least attractive to any local suitors.

No wonder she keeps on with your husband even knowing his situation and such.

So, the only point of attack is to threaten to talk to her family or go to her son's school to talk to his teacher to make her back off. These are the pressure points. But, you have to understand that the real problem is with your husband. Maybe tell him what your son has told you about family warmth and all that and ask him if he thinks that woman's son will think so highly of him than his own blood and flesh.

Devil1976 SG

ALL THE BEST. Cool

Fuqua SG

x2 on the first part.

Was your hubby even thinking about the elder son when he bedded his mistress?

It's tragic when marriage breakdown. BUT lets make a distinction between fatherhood and husband. Fatherhood is a lifelong responsibility ... and can continue even outside marriage. His role as a husband, well i think that scumbag reach a point of no return when he continue with his affair.

I would rather see my mom happy than stay with a philandering husband.

schui SG

Hi Xprobe :

This girl is not a Szechuan girl. How you ever work in Cheng Du before? If the child is not under with her, why is very hard for her to find a local suitors if she don't tell?

niceguy_123 SG

Hi chui,

Personally, don't encourage Divorce.. my religion, Buddhism also discourages it.

Family torn apart --> Children from broken families --> Society problems next time --> Country problems next time.

From the statistics, most of the people i counselled are mostly teenagers from broken families.

Sad

Xprobe SG

This might be conceptually challenging to Sporeans - because China has sooooo many people, girls who are late 20s and into their early 30s are already considered "orange at the bottom of the basket" in China. Let alone one that is divorced and has a 14yr old kid. There are no secrets in China, no point covering, and cannot cover one la.

No, but I travel to Chengdu a lot and have a lot of friends there.

schui SG

Hi Friends,

I back with more sorrow this time. This China girl came to Singapore last week. My husband lied to me saying he was going to Malaysia with some friends on a business venture as he is trying to start a new business.

Things got very fishy during his 3 days of absence and I being to inventisgate, and found out that he was actually in Singapore staying with the girl during her visit. Got him to came back on last Wed, and he confronted he was with the woman and didn't went to Malaysia.

Therefore, now I packed my things and move out with the children. Very sad to say till now, he did not call to patch things up. However, I notice he did call his son handphone every night after the girl left on Friday. I had given him till June to consider to solve the problem or filing for divorce.

As for now, I couldn't do anything but wait.

mistyblue SG

Sorry for your situation.
Be strong.

He is unrepentent and there is no reason you should continue supporting him .
3 days, anything can happen. Trust is lost, you have been betrayed.

I can only pray that things settle down fast and you will have a better life from here onwards.
And see support from friends, relatives and family. You need all the support you can get...

schui SG

Thank Mistyblue,

Do you know, after I left home, he still got the gut to SMS asking me to lend him $200.00. Ready, I had came to a point where I see no future with this man. His family member and my friends all support my action. As for me, I told myself " I had tried and had put in all the effort, I had no give up, it was he who had given up the family."

Not because of the children, I will file for divorce. Ready I feel sad for the children to has such a father. Even now, my son is being to look down on him.

I know my road is still very long, I keep tell myself not to look back and be strong to move forward, but sometime is quite hard and bitter. Tears do drop down some of the night.

mistyblue SG

Be wary of the calls he makes to you son.. he might be seeking info through your son. Please collect all evidence and receipts that can prove his affairs - bank statements, bills and whatever prove. Divorce is not that easy to go through. In addition, you need to prove your ability to support your kids. Monitor everything carefully and do not just be soft hearted and give in if he "promise" anything. He must mean it and want to come back and have to work hard to win your trust. Do not condone him again! Do not let him off so easily cause he will do it again and again to you if he can get off lightly.

Please go to banks and if there is shared accountms, change them to accounts that needs both party to sign before he can get the $. Safe guard your $$$, house and whatever you can get. Most men are not going to be kind to ex-wives.

If you want to file for divorce, please find as much info as possible and don't wait till last minute:

http://www.familycourtofsingapore.gov.sg/processes/apply_divorce.htm

http://www.law.com.sg/family.htm

http://www.lawsociety.org.sg/html/awareness/custody&maintenance.htm

http://www.divorce.com.sg/page2.html

http://www.lawsociety.org.sg/html/awareness/divorce.htm

schui SG

Hi Mistyblue,

Thank you for all your help and information.

I had told him to get the paper done if you wanted a divorce, as I do not wish to pay a single cent on the lawyer fees. He will need to come out with the money.

As for the children, he know he will loss them, as I more financial sound then him, as he is not holding any stable job.

As for the houses, has found out that our five room flat will make a huge loss if he going to sell it. Had checked all lossess will be 50-50. therefore, there nothing he can get from the sale of the flat as he may need to top up the losses. As for me, I can afford to buy a 3 room flat with the children after paying the losses.

As the whole, I will be at a win situation if I divorce. However, it going to be very hard for my son to accept it, as he still do not wish for us to go for a divorce. And that is the main reason why, I'm handling on to this marriage.

mistyblue SG

Tell him go to hell and talk to your laywer.
You have tried to be supportive and gentle. Its time for action.
Don't short change yourself with a man who cares about himself and his mistress.

Once you intend to file for divorce. Do not talk to him yourself or he will record them down and state you are unsound of mind or whatever and use it against you. If he want to speak, speak through the lawyers. Unless there is court order, he shall not see your kids. Unless it is supervised meeting, you two shall never meet alone outside. Do not relent cause by doing this, it will save guard you against a lot of slander and whatever crap he and the mistress can imagine up and shoot you down.

I know it is hard. It will be hard down the road, thus you will need to find support and help. we know you are only human and will definitely be sad and disappointed like your heart is a million pieces. Its hard to put it back together...

http://www.subcourts.gov.sg/family/processes/gen_info_pamphlets.htm

http://www.imh.com.sg/patient_education/depression.htm

http://www.ncss.org.sg/ncss/social_services/social_service_home.asp

http://www.ncss.org.sg/documents/Managing_transistions.pdf

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