I tink things ain't as simple as dropping a few subjects or
taking a deep breathe. Like i said... Incredibly small social
circle. It's kinda weird tt i've a colorful personality when i'm
wired up, but 1 dumbo boring, grumbling, squeaky, oversensitive,
snoobish guy when i'm back in reality.
natural, people can freely express themselves through internet.
i am more open over internet either.
If u want a piece of REAL feelings of isolation, try living thru
mine. No 1 to ask abt projects and homeworks when u nid help. U
will naturally work harder. But wif days and mths and... years like
my cases, it's sooner or later tt ur eventually juz wanna collapse
and dun wanna see e next morning again. It's like, no matter how
hard u work, others can achieve wad u achieve by means of studying
together, or playing wif classroom/lecturer-student politics or by
sheer intelligence to achieve wad u've done overnight.
been through it, after i failed my o lvls (i even got F9 for
math), i went through an entire year of depression and desperation.
back then, i had no one to help me, even my parents seem to be
screwing me, no motivation from anyone at all, it feels like
everyone is there to screw me up. when i needed help on how to do
math or wadever, i had to rely on myself, try to read, if not, try
again and again and again and again and again.. show on, until i
somehow get the drift. i didn't noe anything about math back then,
i had to learn what ppl learnt during 5 years within 1 year.
(basically i stopped studying since primary 3)
i had no tuition, and i was refused entry back to my secondary
school, cuz one of the teachers hated me. (to think i scored the
highest for her subject in class) so it feels like i was being
kicked out instead of graduating, so if anyone ask me today, ill
say i was kicked out. i was 100% alone, isolated and ignored. i
really hated my school for driving me to desperation.
most of my "frens", even if they failed, they either went to ITE or
a couple of em back to school successfully. in ite, they got
company (bt they oso slacked and got screwed in the end), but i
went to take a private dip instead, becuz of dat i was almost
kicked to NS since to complications. so i had a great deal of
stress before even clearing my deferment.
due to my attitude, i didn't make any frens there so i studied O
lvls and took a diploma alone. studied by myself, eat by myself,
listen to class by myself, everyday, and had to juggle between 2
priorities - o lvls and diploma. back then, noone believed i could
handle so much things at one go. in fact, our form teacher tried
his best to convince us not to go retake o lvls, juz go to ite and
be done with it, cuz we'll just fail again. (im very
stubborn)
den im the type dun ask questions de, so even for my new course, im
pretty much alone when exams r near. i dun even got classmates
there lo, to bug u or anything. there is completely noone,
whatsoever, if i fail, dats the end for me. so its like, i chose
this path all by myself, walked through it all by myself, and only
myself. i was the only one i noe dat was crazy enough to attempt
studying 2 things together, i was retaking entire o lvls too.
bt i survived, i believe ive been in worst situation den u, a
deeper sense of isolation den u can ever imagine, and the story
goes back to my childhood. even now, i dun eat dinner with my
parents, so much for only child, being isolated by yr own parents,
tell me how would u feel? i ate by myself since dunnoe how many
years ago liao, dun remember having a single meal with my parents
even though we live together.
bt i also believe there are cases worst than me, its natural.
so u can make it, im sure of it, nowadays, the probs i kana in
school r like peanuts. those class politics, those project team
managements and crap. i also noe how to handle them with
ease.
Scary part is tt after u've delegated e work, u find tt u have
no idea how to work on yrs. I do chase my projectmates. Less
understanding ones are finding mi a nuiscense already. I've no idea
how to motivate myself, much less to motivate them.
Best is use other ppl to motivate them, or pressurize them. You
see, one thing I learnt is dat we cannot handle everything
ourselves, there are things we cannot handle thus need other ppl's
help.
