disheartened

Yunhaier SG

I can only tell you one thing:

Your situations makes you a emotionally vulnerable person. People may think that you need a bf, which will be a prefect person who can cater for your needs - but on a serious note: I wouldn't advice you to.

There are three things you need to do:

I) Learn to love yourself. Until you truely learn to value of loving yourself - i predict between 2 to 4 relationship crisis you may have to undergo to realise this essential thingy in love. Nothing is forever, only you yourself can be there for you all the time.

II) Expand social circle. Your emotions needs is heavy and your focus point revolves only your best friend, but your best friend's world doesn't only revolves around you. You need to enlarge your networking and obviously - sgforum is one example you can hang around and socialize.

III) Reflect upon yourself. Like I have said in my prior post - if you can't realise those points in that post - doing the above two considerations above have no effect. Idea

Cheers

misery=( SG

in all relationships, i always put in my best but i feel that i dun get what i deserve

Yunhaier SG

See what I mean - its a cycle until you know what's wrong with yourself. In love, effort put doesn't not equate to result receive. Love is never fairy tale - you are living in a world where people will never match up to your illusionary fantasy - you have to return to the real world.

You need someone capable to brainwash you emotionally or you pull through yourself and I am very sure if you want to get out of this emotional mess - you need to do the latter first.

Cheers

misery=( SG

yun,
u really amaze me. u always seem to know others's thoughts so well...

i always thot that there is this invisble cord that binds me and my best friend together, a cord so strong that nothing can break it. throughout the years, we had many quarrels, be it small or big. in many occasions, we even thought of giving up but we always managed to patch up. i believe in a small corner in our hearts, we have a place for each other. i am the type who can do almost anything for my best friend so i expect the same attitude from her as well. i place her as first priority so i expect that from her as well. i know i am wrong to think this way but i persisted in my fantasy. i believe that such friendship do exist.

if i tell you that i have thought things through oredi, i would be lying to you. i haven't. my heart tells me to call her and patch back. my mind tells me that even if we patch back this time, the problem will not be solved. i am at a dilema. do you think i should patch up with her?

Yunhaier SG

When you expected the same attitude on how a person should treat you based on the way you treat her, you are in for big trouble. You are disappointed because you expected something - love bends on giving, expects nothing. Friendship works the same way. The more you demand a return, the more misery you get from the relationship.

And you mean there is such thing as a break up and patch back a friendship the way you do like in BGR? There are but don't do it like BGR sense.

Do not attempt to make someone fulfilling duties of a BGR partner, when he/she ain't supposed to.

Respect space and personal freedom. Try to avoid clinging onto her. Walk by yourself and you give room for this friendship to grow.

Cheers

misery=( SG

i dun quite get u...
do u think i should attempt to salvage or adopt a wait-and-see attitude?

Yunhaier SG

This friendship was never broken. The stress and tension cause by the you made it difficult to breathe.

Go apologise to her and everything else logical for an apology.

Then learn to change your mindsets and try to walk on your own instead of relying too much on external support.

Cheers

misery=( SG

how come i suddenly hestitate abt calling her to patch back? why is that so?

Yunhaier SG

Is not about calling.

In the first place if you call, apologise and still behave the same way you do - you are back to square one.

This call has to be one that you know how to make the friendship easier for the both of you.

Do you know, yet? I don't think so.

Before you dial that number - discover that aspect first.

Cheers

misery=( SG

sometimes i really feel that i should leave her alone so that she will be happier

Devil1976 SG

Don't worry... Been through that stage myself... What i did finally was to have a good heart to heart talk with my buddy... Of course, that was after I'd thought things through? Years back... He apologised to me instantly... And I told him what was the point of my sharing the whole story with him... I can't accept his apology... Instead I apologised to him... I treats him as a GOOD BUDDY and YES... A BEST friend? And I thought what I was thinking back then and all the negative things were really degrading of me... And the FRIENDSHIP between us... I told him I was TRULY ASHAMED of myself and asked for forgiveness...

Till this day, he has proven to be MORE than WORTH IT... Can you see your FRIENDSHIP with this friend of yours in years to come? A friendship where 2 should hold hand in hand to FIGHT FOR? Have you GIVEN UP already? If you have given it up then I think you should? For that's probably just how much the friendship is worth to you?

Devil1976 SG

How DEEP do you think your friendship is? Maybe you should just GIVE IT UP?

If your friendship is really that DEEP? Can you IMAGINE how she could have felt (though she might not have shown it) when you said those words to her?

Devil1976 SG

Take Yun's advice. Expand your social circle. Having a best friend is not all about sticking to her or relying on her. Some might say you'll better find these in a BGR. I'll say they might not even apply there.

Join more social activities...

If you have problems getting some friends at where you are now, you can start online? Some healthy ones like forums or IRC gatherings and such?

If you're not that open, just try to keep a few e-mail pals for a start or something? Slowly expand your circle from there?

Devil1976 SG

Are you talking about BGR, family / relative relationships as well? In relationship, don't always expect a RETURN... You're not doing an 'investment'....

Devil1976 SG

Outing... falls on 02/04/04 this Friday... I've checked, it's pretty safe? Should it have fall on one day before then you'll have to be careful? Mr. Green

RainbowPrincess SG

Piscean again Evil or Very Mad

RP

Originally posted by Yunhaier:

You wished she was by your side, but when she can't, so it means she is not fulfilling the obligation of a best friend?

So a best friend means you have to do all that?

You said you are jealous -[b] I hope you notice the problem is not about her, its more about you.

You can't expect a best friend to substitute duties like a bf - like many things in life you want to involve her with you. (I am pretty sure you are single?) This can be done for a period, but not forever. Eventually, your fantasy will still be shattered because she has her own life to lead and cannot cater to every details in your life.

Yes, when you are hitting rock bottom of your life and she cannot be there - it really wonders how this friendship came about. But are you?

I have many best friends (or good friends if you feel that one cannot have more than one best friend - both brothers and jie mei). They are not always there - but when I critically need them, everyone pops out.

P.S: Friends are like relationship as well - they need their personal space and attention.

P.S: Are you Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces or Taurus?

Cheers[/b]

misery=( SG

in my heart, i havent given up. she still matters to me. problem lies with me. we used to be very close, used to do everything together, see each other everyday…i am finding it very hard to get used to life without her. all of a sudden, i feel lost. it’s like losing the pillar of your life. i have other close friends too. but i dun like the idea of “falling on them for support” when i feel lonely. it’s just not very nice thing to do…

boy in blues SG

as your friendly neighborhood insurance dude will tell you. dun put all your eggs in 1 basket but diversify your investments instead. no 1 person, not even your spouse can be there for you all the time. get more pillars to support your life so you don't fall when 1 of them buckle.

KittynMeow SG

then do you think its a nice thing to do for your friend to bear the burden of your loneliness?

take Yun's advice. Take time to discover and love yourself... find out who you are, be independent.. and live your life. Not depending on others to live your life for you. And in any relationship, whether friendship or BGR, it's all about giving.... and giving sincerely without expecting return because ultimately, what is important is how you can help make the other party happy. If you keep count of what you have given and what you are expecting in return, you haven't learned the very basics of relationship yet.

Yunhaier SG

You never lose that support - you OVERLY depended too much. Your best friend merely return to where she had to stand - it's you who kept pulling her nearer and nearer. The rope snap and she returned to her position again.

If you keep doing the same thing over and over - let me reassure you that this friendship is difficult to breathe and you will lose it sooner or later.

Realise this point. If you don't, you never know what's wrong.. In the end, you kept doing things that ultimately hurt yourself.

Cheers

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